Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

[GhostedQuestions]

I’m talking specifically about situations where someone ghosts a friend out of the blue - no explanation, no gradual distancing, just a sudden disappearance, and it leaves the other person confused or hurt.

AIBU to wonder whether, once they’re doing better, they ever reflect and think they didn’t handle that well or whether they just move on without ever considering the effect it had on the friend?

I've been ghosted but not sure if it was my depression as at that time I was feeling a lot better and more clear but maybe a bit anxiety/PTSD not knowing how to talk about anything but my son (my son and partner were my only people in my life for a while and my son was given medical diagnosis then neurological diagnosis and so many appointments so when we got together (this is a friend I've known since birth and thought we would be friends for life) I kind of just blurted everything out and my son was getting antsy so cut the get together short and haven't heard from her since it's been 13 years i do wonder if i messed up somehow but it's also been 13 years so what can we do I've lost all her contact details and SM accounts.
Though on the same sense I did that to other friends and although we aren't as close anymore we still message each other and see each other every now and then.
So maybe really depends on the friend too and how you are too.

At work people often tell me they feel guilty about this, don’t know how to reconnect with people, don’t think they are good friend or that people won’t want to reconnect. Depression can also be a relapsing condition so it’s not as simple as returning to your old self. I would encourage people to reach out to old friends if you think they are or may be depressed

I'm quite often depressed, and I go through autistic burnout a LOT. I don't have any friends, because I find them hard to keep up with.

However, when I have tried reaching out to old friends (friends from when I was in school, for example, who I might not have spoken to for a few years), they're rarely enthusiastic about it. So when I go through burnout or depression, I don't feel guilty about ghosting them, because they weren't enthusiastic enough to talk to me anyway.

Any long standing friends I did have that I used to talk to often, I have previously ghosted due to burnout or depression and I don't feel guilty for that, either. They didn't do anything wrong, I just don't have the mental energy to keep up with people.

This is an interesting thread and so many seek to blame any perturbed friends left behind as lacking empathy, have never struggled with depression, should just accept that they were ill and move on.

It is definitely all about the depressed person. Any other feelings are not even secondary, seen as selfish or cruel.

I don’t see it that way. People are allowed to have their own feelings about things and to be hurt, mystified, puzzled and upset.

Yeah, I agree with this. I also think its a bit polarising to paint the situation as if the person who is depressed is the only one struggling.

You cant assume that whilst you are depressed, all your friends are having a lovely happy time oblivious to life's ups and downs. They might also be going through illnesses, bereavements, job loss, divorce etc

We all have mental health struggles - just because they arent formally diagnosed or we havent had the need to see a psychiatrist doesnt mean they arent affecting us.

I kind of agree but mental health is a reason but not an excuse for basic courtesy in relationships you want to continue. I'm saying this as someone who has been severely depressed and suicidal many times, and has been self absorbed and let people down. Now over the years I've learnt at least other friends are also going through mental health issues and you may just not know, even on a bad time it takes two seconds to send a heart react to a message or a brief message that you're not gonna be in touch for a bit

This, so many people just assuming the depressed persons friends aren't having their own struggles with mental illness themselves.

Depression strikes different people differently but it's safer to assume that whatever you feel is down to selfishness, a lack of consideration, or a dislike of you on the part of the depressed person is not personal and is the depression doing it's horrible work.

That's not to say you shouldn't feel offended or draw your boundaries so that you don't let someone else's depression make you feel crap. Looking after yourself is important so you absolutely ought to do what you need to. It's just that it is pointless to say depressed people (or anyone, in fact) should do anything or feel anything because your thinking or saying that will not alter what is happening inside the depressed person's mind. That might be 'I'm so shit they are better off if I don't contact them' or it might be 'I can't contact them today but I fully plan to tomorrow' (and so on for eternity) or it might be a fully self-absorbed 'can I actually get my feet on the floor this morning' but you can guarantee none of it is pleasant and none of it is about you personally.

I don't think people realise how long depression lasts either. It's not like you're depressed on Tuesday, but feeling chipper on Thursday so you can meet up with a friend then. You might feel a bit less depressed, but you're not suddenly not depressed and can carry on as normal. Even if you're on antidepressants you still get breakthrough depression and they usually stop working after a while anyway so you're back to square one. Endogenous depression isn't really curable, only manageable.

I mean, the fact is mental illness is shit. It's shit for the person going through it. It's shit for other people who feel hurt and let down. It's just an awful thing all round. Of course people are entitled to their feelings - it's for everyone to decide for themselves whether they want to carry on with a friendship.

I've ghosted people. Never been diagnosed with depression, but generally it was a sense of overwhelm, feeling I wasn't good enough for people, feeling they couldn't possibly want to see me & I was an imposition on them. I think about them often & hope they're doing well. I don't reach out to them as I feel unable to explain or justify why I ghosted them.