Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

[GhostedQuestions]

I’m talking specifically about situations where someone ghosts a friend out of the blue - no explanation, no gradual distancing, just a sudden disappearance, and it leaves the other person confused or hurt.

AIBU to wonder whether, once they’re doing better, they ever reflect and think they didn’t handle that well or whether they just move on without ever considering the effect it had on the friend?

IME of being the depressed ghoster, I just think “I’m a shit friend , she must think I’m a completely selfish cow, she’s better off without me, I feel ashamed that I can’t maintain relationships” etc etc. I then wouldn’t have the confidence to bring it up and would just accept I’ve lost a friendship and it’s my fault .

I imagine people prone to depression would feel shit about their behaviour and it just adds to the ‘evidence’ they have in their head that they’re a bit rubbish.

Sorry you’ve been through it , I imagine she does feel bad about it

I've cut a couple of people off over the years because the friendship was not good for me, so not depression. I've said farewell, so not totally ghosting but explained no further because people won't want to hear it anyway. But I would never have the cheek to get back in touch or expect forgiveness even if I had ever wanted to, that seems unreasonable.

Cheesychickenfucker
Gosh it’s horrible when you’re texting into thin air. It makes you feel worthless doesn’t it?
I then feel shit about myself for needing the friendship so much and it becomes something huge that I start obsessively worrying about!!!

So you want them to feel guilty and contact you to ask forgiveness?

It's not about you. And I imagine that once they're in a better place, they feel that they've no right to contact you, having previously 'let you down'

This isn’t about wanting anyone to come back or ask for forgiveness. I’m asking about the pattern, not about trying to make it personal. Some people assume the friend they ghosted wouldn’t want to hear from them, others truly never think about it again. I just wondered which is more common.

I think sometimes people do reflect later on, especially once they’re out of the worst of it… but not always in a way the friend ever hears about. When someone is very low they can genuinely feel overwhelmed by even tiny interactions, so they disappear without meaning to hurt anyone but the person on the other side is left confused and upset. It doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t care or never think about the impact. Some do look back and cringe at how they handled things, but by then it feels “too late” or awkward to reach out, so they just carry the guilt quietly.
You’re not unreasonable to wonder. Ghosting is painful even with context and you’re allowed to have feelings about it..

It's hard to make an effort to text when you're not feeling like yourself. It's also hard to meet up when you feel like you're a bit of a misery to be with. Probably best to send a short text saying you're not up to seeing people etc but its not them. I have a friend who won't reply for a while when she's going through it so I understand although then I worry about her but know she has close family who are supportive.Another who did it all the time was simply because she was too busy and would let me down constantly, leaving early when we had arranged to meet up etc. I ghosted her as she didn't regard my time as valuable. That's completely different.

I'm not currently seeing someone at the moment because of my depression. The problem is, people who haven't had depression don't know how it feels and the effect it has on you. They think you just feel a bit down and can be cheered up. It's not like that. I physically can't stand having to talk to anyone when I'm depressed. I'm hugely irritable and short. I just want to go to sleep to escape. I spend hours wondering how I can arrange to die and when life will be over. This in addition to the being unable to concentrate, eat properly, do the housework, even my sight and balance are affected. Depression isn’t an emotional disorder, it's a brain mind disorder. It can't be alleviated by a cuppa and a chat. In fact, that makes me feel worse. There's no real solution, but people shouldn't take it personally.

I feel a burden and want to remove the dead weight of my friendship the obligation of it and do it as an act of love

Knowing a couple of people (close friend, sibling) who suffer from severe depression, while it can feel they are ghosting you, from their perspective they often feel so worthless and unlovable that they think they're doing you a favour by withdrawing. The mere labelling of their activity as ghosting carries an intention that may well not be there

Speaking as someone who became very unwell after my mum's death and was unable to maintain friendships, I can say yes, 100 times yes. When I think about the way I ignored people, didn't thank them for cards, didn't respond to messages even when with hindsight I can see they must have been very worried, I feel truly awful. I'm also hugely grateful that when I was able to get back in touch, I was given understanding and no judgement. My friends are wonderful women.

Ghosted lots of friends in the past due to being very physically ill but never considered their feelings unfortunately 😔

Agree 👍

Probably a variety of reasons? some might feel embarrassed to reach out again, some might prefer not seeing the person, if they realised for whatever reason that interaction was making them feel worse. Maybe some might not think about it ever again. I think people are all different with different approaches.

So how should that work in practice?

If you’ve been ghosted - you don’t know they’re depressed - you think it’s because they think you are a terrible person and want nothing to do with you. (Which to be fair you have basically said is the case). How is someone supposed to be supportive when contact is fully withdrawn and seen as needing attention.

I’m bipolar. My mental health isn’t for my friends to manage. If I’m having a tough time it’s ME that steps back after telling them I need time and then I get therapy or put a new routine in place. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice if they message me or suggest a get together but they aren’t my emotional support animals.

Yes, I was absolutely savaged for expressing (here!) that I felt hurt that I had been ghosted and found out much later it was due to depression.
it certainly made me feel worthless too. (But not being depressed, my feelings count for zero)

I think you might have to be careful though and consider the impact on others. . I had a friend who occasionally would ghost me. Sometimes for months. She would come back and say she was depressed and I would say 'I understand'.

25 years on though- the last ghosting was nearly 4 years. Prior to that before going silent she once again attacked me personally. That was always what would happen before a ghosting. She lives 4 doors down from me. She 'came back' and said she was sorry, btu I said this time 'No. Not good enough. I am there for you repeatedly, and I am tired of it now'.

Cue major temper tantrum. But I'm done. The support has been one-sided. The apologies no longer seemed sincere.

I think you’re right @saraclara, they feel embarrassed about their behavior. It’s horrible for their friends though.

I disappear into my shell when I’m anxious (diagnosed with GAD) so what I do is tell my close friends that I’m feeling down and don’t feel up to chatting/texting/going out and they understand. I’ve realized that it’s far better to be honest and close friends will always understand.

If an acquaintance invites me to something, I pretend that I’ve got a bug or can’t make it for some other reason! It’s better than ghosting which is so hurtful.

@SageSorrelSaffron I agree that if the depressed person can text close friends to say that they’re feeling down and won’t be in touch for a while, that’s by far the better approach.

My problem is physical rather than mental health, but in a severe flare up I have unfortunately had to abandon friends to focus all my energy on recovering and getting well. I don't expect it is any different for people with depression.

It's survival mode, it's not personal.

Luckily my friends are all great people who are always happy to reconnect, even if it's months later. We are just pleased to see each other, have a big hug, and carry on from where we left off. Some of them also have physical and/or mental health conditions, so perhaps we are more forgiving of each other.

Sadly it seems that when people are depressed they can't cope with much so they probably let friendships slide. I would hope they get back on track. I meet up with one group of friends each week and I always make sure they are feeling ok about things before any other discussion takes place.

I imagine oftentimes they do reflect later and regret it but I guess I don’t know.

I currently have a friend who is, so I believe, to be in a severely depressed place. Literally went from seeing her at an important event to nothing, literally overnight with no build up or signs this was happening/going to happen.

I have had depression myself, although not as severe so I have a level of understanding. I message her every 2/3 weeks with a brief message or send the occasional appropriate gif. I’ve continued to send birthday cards and have also left flowers at her door just to let her know I’m thinking of her fondly. She always replies, even if it’s just a heart emoji so I know I’m not being ghosted, she’s just having a really difficult time. She’ll be back when she’s well again.

Sorry you weren’t shown more understanding. I totally understand how you must have felt x

Honestly, I have cut contact with a few people during depressive episodes. At the time, I wondered if it was rational or the influence of the depression making me not think straight and I did wonder if I would later regret isolating myself. But I don’t. Once in recovery I could see that these people were in one way or another causing me stress and cutting them off was actually the right thing to do.