Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

[GhostedQuestions]

I’m talking specifically about situations where someone ghosts a friend out of the blue - no explanation, no gradual distancing, just a sudden disappearance, and it leaves the other person confused or hurt.

AIBU to wonder whether, once they’re doing better, they ever reflect and think they didn’t handle that well or whether they just move on without ever considering the effect it had on the friend?

I tell people they don't need to reply. Having been the one who withdraws, this is what I would want to hear. I just let them know I'm thinking of them, and they don't need to respond or say anything.

I do get that it's hurtful to feel ghosted, and those feelings are valid. It's just that it's very much an outsider's view, and shows that you don't understand depression. Which is also valid and OK, because tbh I'd rather NO-ONE understood depression, because you have to have it to understand it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

but what PPs have said about the depressed person's view of what they're doing/have done is spot on. It's not based on rational thinking.

And when you do eventually come out of a depressive episode, it doesn't mean everything is all super dandy and you're fine. You still have depression, you're just not crippled with it. And if you're shamed by others for things you've done when lost in the fog of depression, it just makes you feel worse. So you avoid making contact. And on and on it goes.

But why would you jump straight to assuming it's because they think you are a terrible person?

If one of my friends disappeared from my life I would assume something terrible had happened to them. I would worrying if they were ok.

Immediately thinking it is your fault is a bit strange IMO.

Interesting to read the responses.
I have found his very difficult with a particular person in my life who repeatedly shuts me out for long periods with zero explanation, despite knowing I get very worried. I care for them deeply but I think it is selfish as it would only take 20 seconds to send a very basic explanation via text. Then I’d know what was happening and that it wasn’t something I’d done. It’s hard for me to feel relaxed with them after they come back as I’m hurt / expecting it again.
I’ve been through huge traumatic events in my life that could have ruined my MH entirely and there’s certainly been depression attached to that. And I never ghosted anyone I respected.

I realized I inadvertently ghosted one friend when I was dealing with multiple pregnancy losses due to my disability.

She had sent me and DH an invitation to her wedding, but we had absolutely no recollection of receiving it. We found it years after the wedding when moving house and just stared dumbfounded at it like WTF?? I guess we were dealing with a lot at the time ☹️

I had been vaguely aware that she was no longer in contact, but she had also had pregnancy losses and then was pregnant, so I had just assumed she was happy and busy with the new baby.

I am quite gutted about it tbh, but it feels too long ago to try to fix now.

Beautiful description. Beautiful and perfect.

🌺

There's been a few very similar threads on this subject lately, with a very similar tone and subtext. Is this you too?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5449260-to-wonder-whether-people-ever-think-about-the-friends-they-ghosted-or-dropped-for-no-reason-especially-when-they-did-it-badly-or-hurtfully?reply=148736550

My answer's the same as it was in that thread:

People rarely, if ever, ghost someone for no reason.

Often, the reason Person A might ghost someone is because they are fully aware that, if they try to explain to Person B why they're going to stop contact, Person B will react in certain ways. One of those possible reactions is that Person B will not be able to accept Person A's decision to stop contact, and will want to keep pestering them for 'closure', explanations, apologies, arguments, reconciliations etc. In those situations it's often better for Person A's wellbeing and sanity to simply stop getting in touch.

This tends to be the case when Person B has a track record of dwelling on such things obsessively or not being able to let things go.

I'm sorry if you've been hurt by someone ghosting you, but you need to accept it and move on. Dwelling on this isn't helping you.

A little empathy would go a long way. Clearly you have never dealt with a depressive episode yourself or you would know that most people don't just snap out of it. Getting over a depression is a slow process that takes months, if not years. You don't just come back and say sorry. It's a slow struggle out of a chasm and you can only see so much during that struggle.

Also, you want an apology for something people have no control over? You want an apology for someone else's suffering? People's don't deliberately "ghost" during a depression. They turn inward and can't see the outside world for what it is, only a warped and selective concept of it.

I haven’t had depression but DD2 has and when she’s at her lowest it wouldn’t even cross her mind that people might miss her or be hurt that she hadn’t been in touch. She’d be thinking that the world would be better off without her in it, asking her to communicate anything would be asking too much tbh. Not sure how she’ll feel once she’s better because she’s still in the middle of it all now.

I suppose I've gradually ghosted a group of friends by not attending get together. They are lovely people but when I'm depressed I can't deal with meeting up. Even when I am well I get myself worked up and then when I get home I spend hours questioning myself. Did I talk too much? Not enough? Overshare? It's just easier to let it go for me.

I don't think it's necessarily about "asking for forgiveness": it's a reasonable question to ask.

One of the cruelest ironies about depression is that it tends to make people very self-centred and often dull and difficult to be around just when they need people most (which presumably is partly why they drop other people). It becomes a self-perpetuating spiral of paranoia, distancing and guilt which leads to people abandoning friends in order to preserve some distance or protect their own sanity. This is entirely understandable as a response to a crisis, but its not ultimately a great strategy to drop people every time you have a depressive episode or life just gets too difficult.

Being able to reconnect with people where there's been a breach or a distancing can be a really life-affirming thing to do. It's a tragedy if people are so consumed with guilt or shame that they don't feel they can re-engage with people .

In my experience saying: "I'm really sorry, I fucked up, I wasn't really myself" goes a long way to rebuild relationships but many people don't have the balls to actually say it: they become hung up on how badly they've failed so they just don't do it. The earlier it's done, the more effective it is. Beyond a certain point, people are far less likely to want to rekindle friendships. It's a case of striking while the iron is hot.

This is 100% how I felt with depression. I would wake up every morning and wish I had died in the night. There were many times when I could not summon up the energy to get out of bed and brush my teeth. Replying to a text was often beyond me. Actually seeing someone would have required a huge effort that would have meant I could do literally nothing for the next few days (such as making a decent dinner). Added to that I was ashamed to see people: ashamed that they would see me as I was, and ashamed that I couldn’t give my friends and their own lives and concerns the attention they deserved.

In my experience saying: "I'm really sorry, I fucked up, I wasn't really myself" goes a long way to rebuild relationships

I agree @Thepeopleversuswork. that’s why nowadays, I try to let my friends know when I’m starting to go down, before I really go into my shel. If they know what’s going on, they understand and I don’t upset them.

This was me recently. I did not cut them off per se. More just gradually faded away.
No one actually asked how I was, or asked to meet (and we met weekly usually). These were people I had met in MH wards/therapy too.
Now I hear they are bitching about me. So no, I am not going to reach out to them and ask how they were impacted.
I am just trying to build up a social life again from scratch.

One of mine did it (to me and another mum, we met when kids were at nursery). I've never seen her since, for example in the supermarket, so if she does feel bad she doesn't have to think about it much. The other mum did run into her and she said she was depressed, but didn't apologize.

I think your views on this are weird. Someone who is depressed is unwell. I doubt ghosting anyone is a conscious decision from them, but merely evidence of how overwhelmed they were and how they couldn’t maintain relationships.

That's quite extreme. I am prone to bouts of depression, so I have about 6- 8 friends who don't all know each other, so there can be periods between seeing them. It's less pressure on me to update everyone. I'd like to have closer friends but I'm not that stable - my longest romantic relationship has been 4 years.

Well this all seems very one sided, isnt being friends need to work for both in the friendship, there is only so much give that can be given sometimes

It is a two way street or meant to be, but when people start these very similar starting posts it might held to add some context to term first

I think about all the friends I let go! I still feel warm and happy about them, but had dropped contact because I just couldn't cope with anything; it was a great day if I managed to brush my teeth. As treatment started to ease the depression, my life was basically in ruins due to the months of not coping. I didn't want to talk to my old friends about that, as they were all doing well in the ways I was not; I didn't want to be a downer. Then it got to a stage where I'd have nothing interesting to say.

Since then - we're talking years - I've been in extremely sparse text contact with one or two of them. It was better when everyone was still using Facebook, as there were loads of ongoing chats: you could just drop in, show interest, celebrate achievements, share funny memories, much as you would if you were all physically together in one place. It was light, undemanding.

You know what, though? Out of my dozens of (ex) friends from way back, only TWO ever asked me how I was doing - I mean, really asked. "Hope you're feeling better" doesn't cut it all. I am not feeling better, if better means back to the lively and fully-engaged person I used to be. Everything has changed. My life's about as exciting as yesterday's dirty dishes. I'm philosophical about this, and willing to talk about it. Not many people want that sort of conversation, though, and I can't say I blame them.

If anyone wanted to get back in touch with a friend whose mental health cut them off, it would be worth trying with a genuinely open attitude.

Gosh this is probably me! When I'm going through a bad/stressful time e.g. mum died, dad got burgled, got a new job I detach from everyone outside of immediate family. Because I cannot cope with any more external stressors, as sometimes these friends were actually causing me stress too! With their problems and complaining! I need quiet and time to be alone and power through stuff. When I do come out the other side I realise that I haven't spoken to friends in ages. But I can't bring myself to explain what's happened as I just want to focus on the good stuff. So the distancing has affected my friendships. I do think of the friends and wish that I hadn't withdrawn, but really couldn't help it. It's nothing personal or intentional it's just a coping strategy.

@GAJLY That’s why I now let my close friends know when I’m struggling so that they leave me in peace! A quick text is enough. 💐

I've done it twice. One I contacted again after about 10 years and we are now back in contact. I apologised to them, they were thankfully very lovely.

The second I do think about a lot. I was very unwell at the time but I do miss them and feel awful we lost touch. Maybe one day I'll find the courage to message them

i was very severely depressed a few years ago and nukes all my social media accounts and basically dropped out of life, so I suppose I effectively ghosted my friends, but when you’re that deeper you don’t think they’ll care because you think you aren’t worth knowing.

I do regret it, because I miss some of them, but by the same token, they didn’t really try to see what was going on with me, so I don’t feel bad about because doesn’t seem like they actually did care that much.

Have you posted something very similar recently?

Assuming it might be your fault is actually a common problem experienced by poeple pleasers and/or those who have low self esteem. This is usually due to childhood issues and is no more "strange" than someone who might be experiencing depression.

My mother brought me up to believe that if I wasnt polite/nice all the time, people wouldnt love or care about me and my needs didnt matter. So yes, for a very long time I did believe that if someone cut off contact with me, it was entirely my fault for not being "good" enough.

Depression and ill health take over - the person suffering is more than likely isolating, can’t even think about getting out of bed or even eating, washing. People around them can and I feel should notice something is up. Try to pop round if local, send low level messages, or/ and links to songs or something with messages that don’t induce guilt on the person with ill health. When people heal, it may be that have moved on. I do understand it’s painful of someone is ill and then when better still doesn’t resume contact - people may not be fully better, ill health that’s that severe tends to change people too. If you’re worried about someone ever due to mental health - don’t give up. Keep trying to reach them - especially at this time of year x