To think this is a bit much?

[IndecisiveAnxietyLemon]

Hi all.

Not sure if im being unreasonable so here goes.

Partner and i are expecting a baby, I have a high risk pregnancy and i am at higher risk of miscarriage.

Partners DS is 5 and my DSs are 4 and 6. we will name partners DS jamie.

Jamie has been acting up and playing partner and his mum against each other telling her lies such as hes scared of his dad as he shouts at him (he has never ever shouted on him as we have a no shout policy due to my 6 year old being non verbal autistic and terrified of loud noises). Jamie admitted to partner he lied and partner decided we should chat to mum to explain the lying needs to stop.

During this chat my partner has said "ill take jamie an extra night during the week, but it wont always be myself picking him up and dropping him to school she (meaning me) will be doing some of that."

Now, i wasnt ever asked if I was okay to do this and im not particularly pleased about it as partner knows my non verbal child really struggles with car journeys to the point it affects his safety. Not only that, ive been told by consultants and midwives to do no heavy lifting or straining on the abdomen due to a rather large haematoma that may affect the gestational sac.

This is my last pregnancy and first after a miscarriage. I dont know if im being selfish or not but i feel like if hes going to be here an extra day and im having to do all this travelling (40 mins from my house to his school) i just can't enjoy what i can of my pregnancy. We tried for so long for this wee one and now he have it i still cant really enjoy it as i cant live a normal day to day life due to the heightened risk of MC. Not only that, jamie refuses to sleep anywhere else that isnt our bedroom in the house and its always such a task to get in and out of bed with him on air bed as my bedroom isnt very big. I tried asking partner to get him to sleep on sofa but partner just says he wont, Even though he sleeps in his own room at his mums house.

Im trying so hard not to get stressed but with my neuropathic pain issues the small things like struggling to get out of bed make me agony.

AIBU to feel the way i am about everything? 😭

During this chat my partner has said "ill take jamie an extra night during the week, but it wont always be myself picking him up and dropping him to school she (meaning me) will be doing some of that."

"No she wont"

Yes he should have asked, and no you are not unreasonable to refuse. And I feel sorry for poor Jamie.

I’m sorry you are struggling, and your DP absolutely shouldn’t have volunteered you to pick him up, but you cannot expect a 5 year old to sleep on the sofa.
Does he have his own room at your house?
He is obviously unsettled (new step siblings and now new half sibling on the way) but he needs attention from his dad, not you running around after him!

We are in the middle of house hunting as we hope to buy before baby arrives

Edit: to accommodate room.needs for all children

You’re pushing for a 5 year old to sleep downstairs on the sofa??

I would tell your partner you can't do it.

It seems like there's an awful lot of upheaval and stress going on for these little boys.

I feel sorry for Jamie. By the young age of five he’s now got to face fitting into a blended family not of his choosing with his daddy having a baby with another lady. Poor boy.

I am not surprised your partner wants to spend more time with him but I’m wondering if it’s better for Jamie, if possible, to just see dad at weekends? I don’t think the car trips, the extra needs of your son, the new baby etc are going to be helpful for him. He needs stability surely?

Your partner was unreasonable to sign you up for something like this without agreeing with you. He’s going to have to face facts that whatever life choices he’s made have messed his son up.

Not the point of the thread but your step son doesn't even have a room and you want him to sleep on the sofa. You and your partner are going to struggle to get Jamie to school due to your child with extra needs and still you're having another baby? Honest to God.

I'm a step mum but I can see why blended families get a bad name.

All of this.

Poor kid, being expected to sleep on the sofa.

Why cant he have a bed in one of your kids rooms?? Hes clearly unsettled and doesnt have his own area in the house.

Absolutely would be refusing to accommodate the extra night if its you doing collection and drop off.

Thank you so much for the way you worded it as you express my concerns way better than myself! But yes, i love wee jamie to bits but right now its a bit much if that makes sense? At the weekends its much easier as my eldest boy goes for respite with his auntie so he can spend time with his cousin who is also non verbal autistic. My biggest concern is with jamies behaviour recently (hes usually an actual golden child bless him) the instability may affect him as hes complainted all during thr week after school he doesnt get to spend a lot of time with his mum - i dont want to feel guilty for him having an extra day away from his mum especially when he misses her sooooo much at the weekend or when hes at his grampas house for 1 night

I have a 2 bedroom and with my sons disability safe space bed and my other childs bed i cant fit a third in, offered him to sleep in safe space or other childs bluey bed he just refuses

It was very unreasonable of your partner to promise this without checking with you first.

Your partner needs to parent his child, you've got too much on.

Sorry to reply again, i forgot to mention, partner said i would be doing it one week and he would be doing it the other but on the week hes meant to be doing it id need to do atleast one of the journeys due to work schedule

I feel so sorry for poor Jamie, his parents have split up, he's how got to share his dad with your two children and a new baby sibling and he doesn't even have a bed. Poor lad is 5 and already it feels like he's been replaced.

I have to wonder why your partner moved in with you knowing his child wouldn't have a bed let alone a bedroom. No wonder he's acting out.

It was very much on the spot as we were both sitting with jamies mum and he said it. I didnt want to cause any tension as theyre not the greatest at communicating with each other and ive started to build somewhat good relationship with jamies mum

Buying a house isnt something we can do overnight unfortunately

It's not about buying a house though. Surely he was living somewhere else before moving in with you but instead of prioritising his child he knowingly moved into your home where his child wouldn't have a bed and then you and him decided to add another child into the mix.

Surely the sensible thing to do would have been to remain living separately until you could find a home suitable for all the children?

I voted yanbu but that is for how you feel right now with your pregnancy and other commitments.

I do think this whole situation has 'epic shit-show' written all over it tbh. The kids you already have with other people are still so, so young, one of whom is severely disabled and you are already on your second pregnancy with this man.....it seems incredibly fast and with the lack of space in the property, not very well thought out.

You also keep saying 'my property'.....please tell me you didn't let a man just move in with you and your very young children? There is no man so loving as one that needs a home for himself and a built in babysitter for his child.......

Exactly this.

Poor Jamie. For a baby you say you spent so long trying to conceive, you can’t have been together long given the ages of your other children, and haven’t taken the time to sort out the housing situation or the children’s emotional needs. I’m not surprised Jamie is feeling the impact of all of it.

Yes, your partner needs to spend more time with Jamie and look after him but it’s going to come at the expense of him being able to work his normal hours and be with you and the baby.

Yes, but it is something you can do before moving in together, having another child etc? You say you have tried for ages to have this child, but your youngest is only 4 and his is 5? Call me old fashioned, but wowsers.

Genuinely if you weren’t pregnant I’d be suggesting that you sleep on the sofa and give Jamie the bed to share with his dad. (And usually I’m dead against bed sharing). The poor kid has no area to himself and probably feels like every other person including the unborn child is being prioritised over him. My heart breaks for him.

Then, this post is not about poor Jamie- it’s about poor you! No, I don’t think it’s too much, I think you both did too little (or too much whichever way you look at it) when you decided to bring another child into the mix and you both should be doing everything you possibly can do to not make this poor child feel like a spare part.

He shouldn’t be making decisions for you like that. Don’t fall in to the trap of doing school runs for your partner and his ex. They will have to come up with something else.

As for the living situation, I don’t blame a little child for not wanting to sleep on the sofa. It will be scary and uncomfortable for him and he should be in a bed. Will your room not fit a small single bed in it alongside your bed? Could you downsize your bed in any way to make space? Double instead of a king, single instead of a double and then you sleep in the single and your partner sleeps on the sofa (you’re pregnant so you should be in a proper bed). I don’t know the answer but there needs to be a compromise somewhere so that this little boy has a bed to sleep in.

Just don’t do those school runs.