To think this is a bit much?

[IndecisiveAnxietyLemon]

Hi all.

Not sure if im being unreasonable so here goes.

Partner and i are expecting a baby, I have a high risk pregnancy and i am at higher risk of miscarriage.

Partners DS is 5 and my DSs are 4 and 6. we will name partners DS jamie.

Jamie has been acting up and playing partner and his mum against each other telling her lies such as hes scared of his dad as he shouts at him (he has never ever shouted on him as we have a no shout policy due to my 6 year old being non verbal autistic and terrified of loud noises). Jamie admitted to partner he lied and partner decided we should chat to mum to explain the lying needs to stop.

During this chat my partner has said "ill take jamie an extra night during the week, but it wont always be myself picking him up and dropping him to school she (meaning me) will be doing some of that."

Now, i wasnt ever asked if I was okay to do this and im not particularly pleased about it as partner knows my non verbal child really struggles with car journeys to the point it affects his safety. Not only that, ive been told by consultants and midwives to do no heavy lifting or straining on the abdomen due to a rather large haematoma that may affect the gestational sac.

This is my last pregnancy and first after a miscarriage. I dont know if im being selfish or not but i feel like if hes going to be here an extra day and im having to do all this travelling (40 mins from my house to his school) i just can't enjoy what i can of my pregnancy. We tried for so long for this wee one and now he have it i still cant really enjoy it as i cant live a normal day to day life due to the heightened risk of MC. Not only that, jamie refuses to sleep anywhere else that isnt our bedroom in the house and its always such a task to get in and out of bed with him on air bed as my bedroom isnt very big. I tried asking partner to get him to sleep on sofa but partner just says he wont, Even though he sleeps in his own room at his mums house.

Im trying so hard not to get stressed but with my neuropathic pain issues the small things like struggling to get out of bed make me agony.

AIBU to feel the way i am about everything? 😭

Your partner should never have moved in with you when there isn't enough room for his son, let alone had another child. And now he's dropping work on your plate without asking you about it. Why was an extra night offered at all when your home is so unsuitable?

It's really not surprising Jamie is playing up, refusing to sleep elsewhere and lying about what's happening in the house. It would be amazing if he felt secure and as though he matters to his dad.

Could your partner sleep in the lounge with Jamie when he's there? That would give them more time together and you more space in the bedroom.

You’ve just got to suck it up OP.
It was your choice to share a home with this man, who you knew had a child, and you also have 2 of your own, one with high needs. And you decided between you that having another child would be a good idea. So now you’ve got to work together to do the best for all the kids. I’m sure your DP is involved in caring for your kids, so you need to help care for his child too.

I can’t believe you want a 5 year old to sleep on a settee. Why not just put the inconvenient brat in the shed?!!

It seems like a mess. So many small children in a new relationship. Your boyfriend moved in with you and is now volunteering a pregnant you to do long school runs with his child? Not a lot of consideration there.

I assume he didn't have his own place where he could have his child to stay in a bedroom?

What a shit show! In these types of situations why can’t people focus and prioritise the needs of the children they currently have, the children who are clearly struggling. No instead they are beyond selfish and will bring another human into the world. I can’t believe you expect that little boy to sleep on the sofa!! Utterly disgraceful.

Your DH was unreasonable to offer that, he should be the one doing the extra driving.

For the bed situation could your DH and Jamie sleep downstairs on a double airbed? Not really fair to expect a 5 year old to sleep on the sofa and you need your own bed due to the pregnancy.

You can’t have been trying that long as your youngest is 4!
This has all happened far far too fast. That’s why Jamie is playing up and I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t continue to play up long term. He may even start to refuse to come at some point, your DH hasn’t prioritised him at all.

He’s 5 and his dad has already set himself up a new family and baby. Even if you do manage to buy somewhere where he has his own room? It’s always going to be difficult for him.
And yes you have fallen right into the trap of nanny with a Fanny, haven’t you had a discussion about the boundaries of parenting before you moved in or did you hope it would just work out.

None of this is fair on the children no wonder why he is playing up, he feels replaced

He may even start to refuse to come at some point, your DH hasn’t prioritised him at all.

It might sound blunt but I rather suspect that this is the desired outcome. It certainly doesn't sound like anything is being done to mitigate him not wanting to come.

i don’t think I saw how far along you are in your pregnancy. What if baby comes and you’re still at that house? Where on earth is baby going to sleep?

Piss poor planning. Why on earth didn’t you sort out your housing situation and have a discussion about how you would share the parenting of your blended family BEFORE you started trying for a baby?

If I was Jamie’s mum i’d be saying no to my child spending another day at dad’s when he doesn’t even have a bed there. He was unreasonable to volunteer you, but you’re unreasonable wanting a 5yr old to sleep downstairs alone so it’s easier for you to get out of bed. You’re already short on space and having another child. No wonder this little boy is playing up.

I’d be very pissed off to have this new responsibility landed on me with no previous discussion. Especially as you have your hands full already. Your partner needs to fix this asap.

Jamie is obviously a very messed up kid that’s struggling at the moment. But considering his Dad's solution to lies being told about him was to complain to the mum as if it’s solely her problem, it’s not much surprise that he wants to offload other aspects of parenting on you. He seems to think women have more responsibility than he does for his child.

Buy a sofa bed and Jamie can sleep in it with his dad.

You should realise though that this situation is appalling and all of your and your partner’s making. Who moves into a two bed house together where there’s no room for one of the children?! And who gets pregnant when they’re still in that same house?!?
It’s an absolute shit show and the two of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Poor, poor Jamie 🥹

This!! Selfish bullshit from start to finish. No one seems even remotely concerned about the existing children and their physical and emotional needs.

So you’re unable to properly care for the kids you already have, yet decided to have another one?

You can’t accuse/berrate the 5 year old for lying. He’s 5! And he’s in a messed up attempt at a blended family with another baby on the way. That boy needs love and attention from both of his parents.

This 100pc.
I really feel for Jamie, he needs to be treated with additional love and support

That poor, poor little boy. I hope his mum starts advocating for him, someone needs to.

How long have you actually been together op? You’ve got a 4 and 6 y/o in a 2 bed house, plus Jamie plus one on the way? I can see why Jamie is playing up. No you can’t be picking him up and it sounds like none of this is in Jamie’s interest if he hasn’t even got a bed and is missing his mum. I think you all need a rethink! This is a really poor setup

It sounds like he wanted to show solidarity in front of the ex although he should ask you before offering you up.

He lied because he doesn't feel comfortable in your house and wants to be at home with his mum. That's something to feel shamed by, not angry at.

This, and Jamie wasn’t important enough to buy a new house for to have his own room, but along comes new baby and they are?
how long has Jamie had to have a bed on your floor?

Poor boy, he’s only 5 and he’s got a broken family, a new blended family, a new sibling on the way and he doesn’t even have a bed. No of course he can’t sleep on the sofa. I feel so sorry for him. Why are you having another baby when you’ve got 3 young children already, with additional needs, and not enough room for them all?

Whatever you do, do not reduce contact down to weekend only just as a new baby arrives on the scene. This will send a dreadful message to the 5 year old. I say this as a child that came from a broken home. This is 100% what he doesn’t need.

What he needed was careful planning of how you were going to blend as one family, which involved ensuring everybody had a safe space home. Sadly it sounds like you’ve put yours and your partners wants and feelings first at the detriment of the children.

Your partner (who must be relatively new if your youngest is 4) volunteering you for extra duties is off, but that’s the least of your worries imo.