To think this is a bit much?

[IndecisiveAnxietyLemon]

Hi all.

Not sure if im being unreasonable so here goes.

Partner and i are expecting a baby, I have a high risk pregnancy and i am at higher risk of miscarriage.

Partners DS is 5 and my DSs are 4 and 6. we will name partners DS jamie.

Jamie has been acting up and playing partner and his mum against each other telling her lies such as hes scared of his dad as he shouts at him (he has never ever shouted on him as we have a no shout policy due to my 6 year old being non verbal autistic and terrified of loud noises). Jamie admitted to partner he lied and partner decided we should chat to mum to explain the lying needs to stop.

During this chat my partner has said "ill take jamie an extra night during the week, but it wont always be myself picking him up and dropping him to school she (meaning me) will be doing some of that."

Now, i wasnt ever asked if I was okay to do this and im not particularly pleased about it as partner knows my non verbal child really struggles with car journeys to the point it affects his safety. Not only that, ive been told by consultants and midwives to do no heavy lifting or straining on the abdomen due to a rather large haematoma that may affect the gestational sac.

This is my last pregnancy and first after a miscarriage. I dont know if im being selfish or not but i feel like if hes going to be here an extra day and im having to do all this travelling (40 mins from my house to his school) i just can't enjoy what i can of my pregnancy. We tried for so long for this wee one and now he have it i still cant really enjoy it as i cant live a normal day to day life due to the heightened risk of MC. Not only that, jamie refuses to sleep anywhere else that isnt our bedroom in the house and its always such a task to get in and out of bed with him on air bed as my bedroom isnt very big. I tried asking partner to get him to sleep on sofa but partner just says he wont, Even though he sleeps in his own room at his mums house.

Im trying so hard not to get stressed but with my neuropathic pain issues the small things like struggling to get out of bed make me agony.

AIBU to feel the way i am about everything? 😭

Agree with pp that the father should be sleeping down with Jamie, not up in bed with his girlfriend while the poor kid is down alone on the sofa.

Another post where OP hasn’t considered the current DC in the slightest and then is surprised with it becoming an utter shit show after becoming pregnant. I feel so sorry for Jamie.

I'd be livid if I found out any of my children were expected to sleep on their dad's sofa. I feel for all the children involved. Completely selfish bringing another baby into the mix

Agreed.

I read this and had to remind myself this is a 5 year old child the OP is talking about.

its always such a task to get in and out of bed with him on air bed as my bedroom isnt very big. I tried asking partner to get him to sleep on sofa but partner just says he wont

Not sure where they are planning on putting the baby when it comes along either. Although I'm sure it'll get priority over her step-son.

And we wonder why we have messed up children!

You can’t buy a house overnight but you don’t have to plan a baby when you haven’t got enough room for the children you already have. Poor kid. Can’t believe you wanted him to sleep on the sofa. Where is the baby going to sleep? you say you have to climb over him to get out of bed.

Clearly getting pregnant with another child when you don't even have room for the 3 you already have happened quickly enough though.

The baby will clearly have a lovely cot / little area set up in their bedroom and Jamie will be sent downstairs to the sofa.

Poor kid.

Quite.

Also the little one with SEN being afraid of loud noises. A screaming baby isn't going to help on top of Jamie understandably acting up. Jesus wept.

I feel terrible saying this, and like a massive Tory wanker or something but your pregnancy was planned despite you already having three children between you and only a 2 bedroom property? It wouldn’t even be as bad if you had 3 bedrooms and were looking for something bigger but bringing a fourth child into a family within a house with 2 small bedrooms doesn’t make any sense.

I’d also be concerned about how your 6 yo will cope with a baby if he’s sensitive to loud noises. I mean, all of this is too late now with you being heavily pregnant but why wasn’t any of this considered before you TTC?

I feel for Jamie too because he’s 5, he’s absolutely tiny and split between his parent’s households with yours meaning a blow up bed in your room. Of course he can’t sleep on a sofa, he’s five years old… It also isn’t even a one off, you’d expect him to sleep there multiple times a week?

The whole thing is really chaotic.

Yep. Jamie will have his place in the pecking order made very clear once the golden child appears,

And in a decades time, they’ll be wondering why Jamie gone off the rails - some kids have no chance as they’re let down by adults from the very start

You need to talk to your partner and say that NO you aren't going to be doing any solo care of any kids given the high risk nature of your pregnancy.

Meanwhile it's unclear why on earth you chose to have more children when you and your partner can't even provide a home for all the children you do have! It's a parent's job to make sure your children have a home before you have more of them! If your husband's child doesn't have a room then no wonder he's feeling very confused!

The number of people having more children when they can't afford to pay for and house the children they already do have is really ridiculous.

Completely agree with you. How is bringing an extra child into this dynamic going to help anyone? OP clearly has no empathy for her partners child and he will be very aware of how unwelcome he is. I really think there should be some sort of assessment before people can have children. So much chaos and hardship could be avoided with more common sense and less selfishness.

Your partner needs to put his son first I think. The blending isn't working, the focus should be on more room.

it sounds as if you resent him. He's been in the world 5 minutes. He needs to feel safe.

Absolutely. Although I'm sure the OP will argue that her children will be fine. It's just Jamie that's the problem...

We live in an age where people think their rights and responsibilities have equal weighting with zero appreciation that having children turns a responsibility into an obligation; an obligation to put the interests of a human being you created, and who can't advocate for themselves, before your own wants. It's staggeringly selfish.

Poor kids, all of them. Try not to make any more, there are already 4 future adults who will be affected by your choices.

This pregnancy was after a miscarriage as well! Plenty of time to think about things if you ask me!

So no solo care of any kids.. even her own?

But you literally mentioned earlier that you were trying for this baby “for so long”.

In that space of time, it didn’t occur to you that your home isn’t big enough for four kids and two adults, given one has special needs and one will be a new born baby?

How is Jamie going to feel when his airbed is next to a screaming baby and his only other choice is to sofa-surf or sleep in a room with a child that doesn’t talk and cannot stand loud noises?

I think this is appalling. The least you can do is drive the poor child to school. I definitely do not think he should be spending more time at your home until you sort out a proper space for him to sleep.

I think you are selfish wanting another child when you cannot meet the needs of all the kids that you've got now. The situation looks difficult as it is and you don't even have bedrooms for all of you.

No it's not, is it?

But seemingly moving in with a woman and her kids when there's no room for his own son, and then trying 'so hard' for a baby with said woman before buying a house, was something you both though was a good idea?

So where were him and Jamie living before he moved in with you and your kids?

Poor Jamie.

Hes the one most affected by this ‘blended’ family nonsense. I hope his own mother is not also pregnant and shacked up with a man who has other kids.

Poor little kid. In fact I pity all the kids in this mess but especially Jamie.

YABU.

Blended families don't work.