To think this is a bit much?

[IndecisiveAnxietyLemon]

Hi all.

Not sure if im being unreasonable so here goes.

Partner and i are expecting a baby, I have a high risk pregnancy and i am at higher risk of miscarriage.

Partners DS is 5 and my DSs are 4 and 6. we will name partners DS jamie.

Jamie has been acting up and playing partner and his mum against each other telling her lies such as hes scared of his dad as he shouts at him (he has never ever shouted on him as we have a no shout policy due to my 6 year old being non verbal autistic and terrified of loud noises). Jamie admitted to partner he lied and partner decided we should chat to mum to explain the lying needs to stop.

During this chat my partner has said "ill take jamie an extra night during the week, but it wont always be myself picking him up and dropping him to school she (meaning me) will be doing some of that."

Now, i wasnt ever asked if I was okay to do this and im not particularly pleased about it as partner knows my non verbal child really struggles with car journeys to the point it affects his safety. Not only that, ive been told by consultants and midwives to do no heavy lifting or straining on the abdomen due to a rather large haematoma that may affect the gestational sac.

This is my last pregnancy and first after a miscarriage. I dont know if im being selfish or not but i feel like if hes going to be here an extra day and im having to do all this travelling (40 mins from my house to his school) i just can't enjoy what i can of my pregnancy. We tried for so long for this wee one and now he have it i still cant really enjoy it as i cant live a normal day to day life due to the heightened risk of MC. Not only that, jamie refuses to sleep anywhere else that isnt our bedroom in the house and its always such a task to get in and out of bed with him on air bed as my bedroom isnt very big. I tried asking partner to get him to sleep on sofa but partner just says he wont, Even though he sleeps in his own room at his mums house.

Im trying so hard not to get stressed but with my neuropathic pain issues the small things like struggling to get out of bed make me agony.

AIBU to feel the way i am about everything? 😭

Understandably he's really unsettled. Expecting him to sleep on the sofa is totally unreasonable, you need to come up with a solution where he has his own space and feels secure. Obviously the ship has sailed now but it seems like an odd choice to have another child when you haven't got space for the ones you have.

The mind boggles at some people's life choices. Why, just why?

Your partner is not a good dad or person.

Does he pay child support?

Sounds like school drop off is the least of the problems here, poor child being expected to sleep on the sofa when he's at home with Dad. He should do the drop offs and not put it onto you, but he should be able to have as much time as he can with his son. His child is equally as important. Hopefully you can get a better home with more space before your baby arrives or where will they both sleep.

I wasn't OK for DP to offer this without discussing with you, but nothing about your attitude towards Jamie is OK either. No wonder he's "playing up", poor child.

Almost as if you shouldn’t have had a FOURTH child.

You/your partner have 3 children to care for and accommodate and another one in the way, in a two bedroom house.

I’m not surprised Jamie wants to sleep in with his dad - he doesn’t have a bed of his own, is being expected to share space with your kids and even then would be taking one of their beds. He’s an actual living person, not some ornament to find a place for. What was your plan when you’ve been trying for another child to add to the mix?

You need to set your feelings aside, talk to your partner and agree how you are both going to care for all the children you both have responsibilities for. Jamie needs a clear, consistent pattern of contact with his dad, where his dad is actually present and available for him. He needs a bedroom of his own in your house so he has somewhere he can get some space from your kids and needs to be included in your family plans. No wonder his behaviour is all over the place. It’s absolute madness bringing another child into this set up.

No, your partner should not have volunteered you to do pick ups and drops offs without discussing it with you but then it doesn't seem like either of you are great at thinking ahead and planning.

There are three children in your family, one has additional needs, you live in a two bed house and decided to bring a fourth child into this situation before dealing with your housing issue and now you are frustrated that a 5 year old child is taking space in your room. Perhaps you should have made space for Jamie before expanding your family. How would you feel if your children were expected to sleep on a sofa?

I'm sure you will find some of these responses quite harsh but it's really not fair on any of the children, most of all Jamie, who you seem to see as a complete inconvenience. You and your partner created this mess so now you need to sort it out in a way that does not disadvantage any of the children.

This.

Three very young children, serious SEN, no adequate housing and yet his father thought it a good idea to produce yet another child.
OP loves him to bits but finds it more convenient when he’s not around. 🙄
Poor Jamie. Some kids never get a break.

Absolutely this. It’s always the poor kids who suffer because of the adults piss poor selfish life choices. 3 little kids already in the equation in cramped circumstances so why the fuck decide to bring another into the world when there’s not even room for the ones already here?

This place makes me despair at times with the selfishness of parents who treat kids as a commodity and an inconvenience to their sex lives.

Then you shouldn’t have moved in together yet.

a 2 bed house, 2 adults, 2 children, a third some of the time and a new baby as well! Bloody hell OP.

Sounds fun and a nice stable environment for all of you !

And what happens when the baby comes? There already isn’t enough room

Well surely you should have thought about that!! Before you got pregnant ( again after a miscarriage )
Poor bloody kids!
Where will the baby sleep - in with you and where will poor Jamie go then, the bloody shed!
Christ alive @IndecisiveAnxietyLemon you and your partner are making a right hash of this!

Probably should have done this before getting pregnant with a 4th child in a 2 bed house.

This 100% you have enough to deal with !

Sounds like you're just eager to tie down the "man" by having another child. The fact he's already got one pisses you off as it doesn't fit into your plans.

It all does sound a bit much but its all as a result of your own decisions op

Do you own your own property? You shouldn't give it up to get a mortgage with a man you're not married to. Your financial independence is so important.

Your boyfriend needs to house all his kids and parent. Living in two houses can give all these kids a bit more stability, peace, and their own space. He can have his kid for days out and not make him sleep on the sofa.

Poor Jamie. Irresponsible adults making terrible decisions. The children are the ones who suffer.

Yes, I agree. You've made a poor decision to move this man in with your DC and to have another baby with him, don't let giving up your financial independence and security be another.

To be fair I'm sure you, your kids, and unborn baby should all come first. If your partners kid was a dog you'd be moaning and insisting on getting rid...

However, unfortunately for you it's an actual child. Who you seem to have as much affiliation towards as a dirty dish cloth. Presumably with any luck your partner will not buy into your twatish attitude, and when you're circling your next partner you'll pick a single one to produce your next 'last child' with...

OP, you're getting a bit of a kicking in the comments, and some of them have a ring of truth about them tbh, but this is the situation you are in and I am sure you and DP can find a way to sort it out.
You've got a really full plate, and Jamie's behaviour is adding to it, I get that, but he's so little, OP. He needs as much fun and love and reassurance as the adults in his life can give him.
Maybe DP and Jamie can camp downstairs together on his nights with you. DP can try to make it a bit of fun, with the emphasis being that it is temporary until you find a new house, and perhaps it will give them time to bond. I don't know it that set up would be healthy for your eldest who requires a safe bed, but maybe one weekend night a week your youngest could join them - again, with the idea of making it fun.
I hope, OP, that in two or three years when you and your DP are settled in a new house, and your baby is a little older and out of those crazy first years, you'll be able to look back on this together from a happier place and think "How on earth did we all get through that?!"
Wishing you a healthy, happy rest of your pregnancy.

I see this so many times (on MN and IRL) where blended families have more children than they physically have room for and expect the children from previous relationships to share or sleep in rooms that are not bedrooms.

Whether intentional or not, you're creating a hierarchy of your children and (as an adult child of divorce) I can only imagine how damaging that must be to a child, especially one who is already navigating the breakup of their family.

Lots going on here and a child stuck in the middle of it. You obviously don’t like this child which makes matters worse.
You need to talk to your partner, but totally unreasonable to expect the child to sleep on the sofa.
If you don’t feel able to collect the child you need to sort out other arrangements, and Jamie’s needs need to be taken in account as he came be you.