Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Why do you get to day when other people are allowed to feel their friendship is siblingesque? Who are you to them?

OP - if I tried to ensure a woman gives birth alone because I am jealous of her friendship with my partner, I'd never forgive myself. Try to muster whatever compassion and empathy you possess, and let the poor woman be supported by someone she knows and trusts during her birth. You do not own your partner. He is a person in his own right. Your feelings are less important than a new mother and baby, especially in the maternity crisis we have at the moment.

I seriously couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I made such a thing of this that she gave birth alone. I'd be so mortified at my own behaviour.

Hi OP, I had a similar situation with one of DH's friends years ago. She is an ex-partner and I've never liked her that much to be honest, and I found it really odd just how my DH had to support his best friend, even though she had her own partner there at the birth!

It was about 18 years ago so I guess I haven't forgotten it as I'm still going on about it now lol 😅 Seriously though, my DH's friend is now a single mum and her poor partner passed away from cancer, so i can't be too moany about it

It actually made me realise how much I liked my DH at the time, as I think it reflected how strong my feelings for my DH were. We've been together now for 20 years and have 3 DC so all is good! 👍

Right and so would he be first port of call when you’re ready to give birth? Or much like an actual brother would you find the idea a bit creepy to have him in the room with you while you’re lay there, flaps out and shitting yourself through the pain 🥲

I gave birth alone. DH was looking after DC1.

Only, I didn't give birth alone. I had a midwife, a student midwife, and when things started to go downhill I had four doctors (various levels of seniority).

It was fine. Not ideal, but life often isn't.

Asking someone for a lift is absolutely nothing like asking someone to be present when you give birth. One is sitting in a car the other is very personal and intimate at the most vulnerable stage of a woman’s life.
Of course there will be overlap into the child’s life after being present for its birth.
The relationship with the mother has already crossed over from a friendship into something resembling a partner type relationship and thinking it won’t carry on after the birth is quite naive.

It’s a weird relationship and one I wouldn’t be happy with but it’s not really up to you to stop their relationship if this is what your partner wants. The only thing you can do is figure out what you’re happy to accept and act accordingly.

I've been a birth partner for a friend and it's not something I'd want my husband doing for someone else.

It is a big deal, being a birth partner, very intimate, sometimes being asked to advocate for someone who can't do it themselves - it's a lot of responsibility. When she's vulnerable, she might ask him to make choices for her that he doesn't want to make. That's why it's best if it's a partner or mum/sister to be a support and not a man with no children of his own, who will be out of his depth and doesn't want to be there!

You need to shut this down sooner rather than later, so she has time to make alternative arrangements.
Offer to take her home after the birth, get some shopping in etc, but do it as a couple. You don't want to kick her when she's down but you do need to send a message that your dp isn't going to step up as a 'father' or partner!

Okay, and that’s you. Obviously the woman in this scenario doesn’t want that. I’m sure a lot of people will pipe up with “she should have chosen a better partner then”, but life doesn’t always work that way. Life is about being kind to others, and if OP trusts him I don’t exactly see what the issue is?

OP - if I tried to ensure a woman gives birth alone because I am jealous of her friendship with my partner, I'd never forgive myself. Try to muster whatever compassion and empathy you possess, and let the poor woman be supported by someone she knows and trusts during her birth. You do not own your partner. He is a person in his own right. Your feelings are less important than a new mother and baby, especially in the maternity crisis we have at the moment.

I seriously couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I made such a thing of this that she gave birth alone. I'd be so mortified at my own behaviour.

Every word of this from @BeCalmLilacLion 👏🙏🤗❤️

Him being at the hospital wouldn't bother me. I don't think he'll view the birth as an intimate experience precisely because she's not his partner and just his friend and he clearly loves you because he's being so open about everything. But he might bond with the baby in hospital and what happens when she's on her own with a newborn and needs more help? It's when he's round at hers all the time and bonding further with the baby that I would find difficult to handle.

Funnily enough, i did give birth alone during Covid and had a c-section on my own as my DH had to look after our two eldest children, so I got by ok.

But I do agree with others who say that an empathetic approach is probably needed. I can see it from both sides, and now realise that I was likely quite immature and a bit jealous years ago.

Yanbu. I wouldn't like it at all.

Wouldn't you help a good friend with their new baby?! Wouldn't you bond with your new little nephew or niece?

I think you should message her and say if its possible and if you want to you can be there but that its not ok to ask your partner for money and hes not comfortable being at the birth and hes asked you to let her know, i would also be inclined to say your babys birth will be the birth he will be at not hers and as others have said all this will ramp up once babies born she will be using him as substitute father and how can she not have one female friend

It is so frightfully sad that so many women are caught up with their own feelings of possession and ownership over their partners that they'd let a fellow woman give birth alone rather than be supported by "their" man. We are really our own worse enemy.

This. She’s treating him like a substitute partner in so many ways. And it will only increase once she has the baby.

Does she really not have a single friend other than DP? Or family who will come over?

A woman is most vulnerable when she's giving birth. Your DP won't be there at the birth, just with her whilst she goes through the stages of labour. He won't see anything.

I honestly can't see the problem. She needs someone to advocate for her.

If he can't be there, can you go and be with her?

I think YABVU. Put yourself in her shoes!

Jealousy is an incredibly unattractive mindset.

If I didn’t have any female friends I felt close enough to, and my mum wasn’t available, then yes I’d absolutely have either my brother or my male friend with me for support rather than do it alone with midwives/medical staff. Birth is part of life, we all know how it happens. The idea that a man I’m not in a sexual relationship with might see my “flaps” in those circumstances really doesn’t concern me. They’ve seen plenty of others!

Because people are people and it’s very unlikely that opposite sex friends reach that level of platonic intimacy within 4 years. I have male friends who are like brothers so I do get the dynamic, but as a pp said we have been friends since childhood/adolescence and that relationship has evolved naturally through living together as students/ weathering life and shared experiences over many years as you might have wirh a sibling.

She won’t be alone and she can choose to employ a doula/lean on midwives/fly a family member or friend over. Nobody would choose to give birth without familiar emotional support but people on here have and are ok.

They both seem very naive about the process of labour (no shade, so was I before I did it). It’s not all neat and tidy until the last little bit. There will absolutely be a presumption in the room that everyone is comfortable with the woman doing whatever nature/the doctors tell her to do - whether that’s walking around naked, using a sample bowl to pee in, whatever. If she isn’t actually comfortable doing those things in front of him (or senses and wants to stop his discomfort ) then it may actually inhibit her labour.

Babies can take days to be born. How about setting up a rota of your DP, you and also that female friend of hers that you mentioned who she is not so close to but could be a possibility. Between the 3 of you, you could all take turns to spend some time with her in the hospital, starting at the time when the induction is booked. At least propose this to her, making the point that it would be a lot to put on one person ie your DP!?

God no.

She can have one of the guests at the ‘gender reveal’ there to hold her hand.

She’s crackers for even asking.

Of course! I was answering in the context of OP's situation. Mia is already leaning on her DP so much – it will only increase when the baby is here. If I were OP, I might find that a bit worrying in the context of the present situation.

Your DP should have backed away a long time ago, she is using him as the substitute baby's father/person to lean on. She has chosen to continue the pregnancy alone and she needs to accept responsibility for doing so, and that includes giving birth alone. For your DP to be there would be totally inappropriate, he will be assumed by staff to be the father and it will be ridiculously awkward. You need to start being more assertive about where your DP's priorities should be. They may not have had sex but he is seems to be prioritising the friendship with this woman over his relationship with you. It will not end well. She will be ever more needy after the baby is born.

@BeetrootBrownies

Don’t worry she’ll squeeze money out of your dp by making him a godfather.

He needs to decide if he wants to be a godfather to her child. I’d recommend a big fat no.

Do her family even know she is pregnant? And did her dp really up sticks back to his own country? Presumably gave up a job and life here? That’s a very drastic action. He could’ve opted out of being a parent and still remained in the UK.

It’s a very odd situation and one that your dp shouldn’t get too enmeshed in.

Why do you think that, though? Some people just click. Sometimes you meet an actual sibling much later in life and quickly develop that close bond. You cannot say with any sort of certainty that other people simply cannot develop that bond. You can speak about yourself and say it would take YOU much longer. But you arent a player in this story so it would be pretty irrelevant.

You simply cannot decide how other people feel about each other. Even if one is your partner. Relationships don't mean you now own your partner and they arent allowed to be close to anyone else. That can become abusive really quickly.

She doesnt want to be ok. She doesnt have to just be ok. She has a friend that can support her. The only person who seems to be trying to deprive her of support is the OP.