Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Or hire a doula.

Fair play to your DP for considering it though. I’ve seen blokes develop a 1000 yard stare after watching their own wives give birth, and I’d be willing to bet a fair few expectant fathers would much rather be in the waiting room!

Think you could show support. Go along to the hospital as well, she could probably benefit from another woman being there as well.
Would help your DP as well to have you there, so he is not on his own. You'll need to be together on this so that he does not get too dragged into life with new mother and baby.

Don't understand the "lije a brother" vibe.

I love my brother. I would still rather have a casual female friend there at the birth than my clueless brother.

Also not buying tje "of course she doesnt have anyone, she's an expat!" excuses.

Ive been an expat for 80% of my adult life. You make friends. The proof is, Mia did: OPs DP.
How has she not made a single decent female friend in four years?

Through her hobby?

Through expat circles?

Nah.

I wouldn’t agree with this.

I had ds2 alone via emergancy c section (his dad legged it during pregnancy and my family members were working away. Only available one was watching ds1 for me.

I would never want a male friend watching. Thats was a c section too, a vaginal birth definitely not.

Mark my words she’ll be asking him for money for the kid soon. Far too dependent.

Also gagging and shuddering when the DP brushes past her?
🤣 Is she 12? What adult woman behaves like this?

Pick me vibes.

I feel sorry for Mia because it must be scary being by herself and family overseas. However, a 4 year friendship isn't that long. I'm quite close to my brother and have known him for 30+ years. I still wouldn't want him around whilst I was giving birth. He could visit in the hospital after I had the baby (which he did). It is too intimate and experience.

I dont understsnd why so many posters are talking about what they'd want for their births and about the relationships they have with the men in their lives. What have you and your brother got to do with Mia and this man? Is your brother the man in question?

I don’t understand why people are suggesting OP goes instead of DP. She’s never given birth, she’s not that close to Mia and she probably has limited time off work. She’s not the right person for this either.

OP, is your DP also aware that labour may start spontaneously before the induction and not be tidily restricted to a day he isn’t working.

Notwithstanding the somewhat unbelievable backstory - how useful an 'advocate' would the OPs partner be given that -

he's neither given birth nor witnessed a partners birth
been to NCT classes/been involved in drawing up the birth-plan

'Mia' needs someone to advocate for her who knows what they are doing

Could you offer to support her? Could you suggest a Doula?

I can tell you now, she will get to the stage of pushing and she will not want him to leave, this is too intimate.

He doesn’t want to go… sounds like he lacks a back bone to me.

I love my brother. I would still rather have a casual female friend there at the birth than my clueless brother.

Fair enough - many women feel this way but not all.

I have a brother and a sister but would always choose my brother in this scenario - we just click more and I would feel much more comfortable with him advocating for me. I would pick him a thousand times over a casual female friend. Not everyone sees these things in a gendered way.

TBH I think your DP is a wimp for allowing things to develop to this stage, why on earth does he feel so responsible for this woman? Her situation is of her own making.

It's not just about the birth.

And this woman did get to this unfortunate postion here through bizarre uncontrollable forces. She made a series of choices leading to this.
The induction potentially being the most bizarre

The dynamics of your partner's relationship with his friend has completely changed. She's now leaning on him for emotional support because she's feeling vulnerable. It's gone from a light friendship, participating in a mutual hobby and having the occasional coffee, to something much heavier. Your partner is clearly uncomfortable with this change, and is finding it hard to navigate the friendship. Unfortunately, his friend's life has been turned upside down by the pregnancy and her partner leaving her - her circumstances and life are now going to be completely different to your partner's. Your partner is being put into an awkward position, and one that in all honesty he doesn't want. The friend is scared and I understand that, but she's expecting far too much from your partner.There's nothing wrong in visiting her in hospital after the birth, bringing her items, even collecting her and the baby to go home afterwards. As others have said, he's purely a friend, he can't be responsible for making decisions regarding her health or the baby's if she couldn't. He's not next-of-kin. Where are her own family in all this? Do they know she's pregnant and on her own?! Even if I lived in another country, if my daughter was pregnant, I'd move heaven and earth to be there for her. If she has a C-section, she will need help once home, is she going to expect your partner to be doing this?! As hard as it is, I think your partner is going to have to decide what he does want or doesn't want to do, and put boundaries in place. Otherwise he's going to be taking on supporting her once she's home from hospital.

It’s a performance put on for the OP’s benefit. I have male friends I’m not remotely attracted to but I don’t feel the need to actively demonstrate that by pretending to gag and shudder every time they brush past me. It’s a really weird thing to do.

There is something odd about the whole set up, not just this “request”. Who has been attending antenatal classes, scans etc with her? When the midwife asked her about support has she merrily offered your dp name? What happens when she needs a lift from the hospital, can’t drive, runs out of nappies, has a baby crying all night and no sleep? You barely know him let alone her. Tread very carefully, there are alternatives but your dp can’t say no.

Whatever it is about, it is about denying a woman the support of her friend, because some people consider that friend to be the property of another woman.

Who said it was ever a light friendship?

Some of us really care about our friends. Even if they have different private parts to us

Nah forget that
Just go to her after she gives birth.
I had my 2nd baby alone at hospital and absolutely loved it.
The midwives were nicer etc cuz they felt sorry for me 🤣
I only needed stuff after I gave birth and my brother's came for me

Sorry assuming you all live in England how long has she lived here? I mean why would you want a male friend to be your birthing partner. She needs to make friends. It would be better her asking you. Put your foot down OP and insist your DP doesn't do this.

Yeah I thought this is really bloody weird too and makes me think the whole friendship is off even before this request

Your regular reminder - anathema to MN - that if you genuinely love someone, you are happy when their life gets larger, richer, fuller with love and experiences of all kinds. You don't seek to make the life of your beloved smaller, narrower, confined only to you. That is not love. It is control, it is fear, it is a cage.

So maybe he shares an unforgettable, rewarding, intimate birth experience with his platonic friend. If you love him, you will want that for him, be happy for him. How wonderful for him and his friend. It will enrich who he is, which is good for everyone he interacts with, including you.

Giving birth is an intimate, emotionally intense, very primal experience, involving a lot of nudity and vulnerability, and usually only shared with one's significant other, or close female family members (outside of the necessary medics).

The OP's partner taking on the role of the significant other for Mia during birth is extremely intimate and blurs lines, especially given how much she's already using him as a surrogate partner. It's not about possession or ownership, it's about respecting the boundaries of relationships. I think it's fair for the OP to feel uncomfortable and express that discomfort to her partner so he can decide what to do.