Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

It’s incredible she is calling all of the shots like this, and dp is expected to jump up and do as he is told. This just wouldn’t be happening in my life op. This isn’t just a beer/wine and catch up between old friends, that is what most friendships are. This has turned into something entirely different in plain sight.

One of my closest friends from very early childhood (4 years old) was in this position and didn’t even ask me! Her mother flew in to be with her. This is not normal at all to be rioping in other men. All the medical staff will assume he is her dp. Absolutely no chance would I agree to this,

As a girlfriend/wife, yeah it feels a bit weird. Of course it's intimate. But it's not sexual, it's a million years of human history continuing. It's a privilege he's been trusted enough to be asked.

As a fellow woman, she needs someone. I think, given how intense giving birth is, and how short and hard life is, I would support this woman. By "letting" him support her.
The replies here are shocking to me.

Men and women can be just friends.
And I say that as quite the misandrist! Put a fellow woman first. It won't taint your own child's birth, why would it? Because he will experience none of the same feelings as he would at your child's birth, other than relief if it all goes well.

This isn’t just about Mia, your do has feelings and if this isn’t where he wants to be - he actually should bow out and tell Mia this isn’t something he is able to do. He can take her stuff in as can you - but it’s better to rely on the hospital staff for help during the birth.

if she does have strong feelings for him, this will help draw boundaries and stop any dreams in her head - which she may have.

asure her you’ll help afterwards

an Induction rarely take a day, it’s often far longer, so the practicality is he would need possibly 2/3 days off work

Its strange after living there for that many years, she doesnt have one female friend she could ask to do this for her. That's a red flag to me.

Even if my female friends were just ex party friends, I would still rather ask one of them for this favour than ask my squeamish male friend.

In her case I’d probably not want a male friend with me and in his case I get that he really doesn’t want to see this (on a side note - I’m pretty sure him viewing some of this is a great way to ensure they definitely never ever ever do have sex). However, I also understand how someone more medically nervous than me would be desperate for any advocate they trusted to be there at a time they are super vulnerable even if it’s a bit icky - and on his side how he would want to be there for someone who is clearly a very close friend of his (I would do the closest equivalent in a heartbeat even if I felt squeamish about it for a close male friend). Moreover - to me it’s not your place to interfere here - being the woman who is so self centred that they make another woman’s childbirth all about how they feel about it is not a good look. I would empathise with your DP that this is awkward but also that he wants to support his friend - if you can be there as well and help where a woman’s help maybe be more comfortable for everyone involved even better. Also, if your partner has refused to lend her money then frankly he already knows how to draw boundaries with this friend in the places he feels he should so you need to trust him to do that.

I’ve got a male friend who is very much like a brother to me and I have never, and will never sleep with. The idea of that is repulsive exactly in the same way as the idea of sleeping with my actual brother is.

WTAF! This is wholly inappropriate. Your DH needs to tell her now that he won’t do it. He’s got himself into this state by allowing this woman to rely on him so much, in a way she’d only rely on a partner.

I’m suspicious about his claim that ‘he doesn’t know how to refuse her’. It’s bloody simple! Just tell her that he doesn’t want to and he would be zero help to her. Don’t let him make a big thing of it. I’d tell her by text actually. I’d also be cutting all the meet ups right down.

More than that, I wonder if it would be ‘allowed’. It was a few years ago now, but I remember a friend having to run birth partners past her midwife. The midwife didn’t actually say she wasn’t allowed certain people but she did make it clear that others would be better choices.

No way should your partner be there! Moreover, he needs to make it very clear to her that he won’t be able to help after the birth either. She needs to get her act sorted. Lots of women are single parents and she’s being pathetic and rather sneaky in substituting your partner for hers.

A privilege to be asked for money?
A privilege to be at a birth of a woman you are not in relationship with, and told to bring food, and instructed when to be there?
A privilege to compromise your own relationship? And to sacrifice the experience of childbirth with the woman you love?

What planet are you on?

Dp is being used. It’s as simple as that, and it won’t stop there.

OP, I’ve only read your responses and I’m going to go against the grain, but I think YABU.

If he says he has 0 feelings for her, you need to trust in that. If it’s entirely platonic, it’s not different to a female friend being there when she gives birth. She is in a hugely vulnerable position and needs someone there that she trusts. No woman should have to give birth alone.

I have a 3 and 1 yr old... It's a no from me.

This is only going to get much more fucked up as time moves on.
He doing doing her no favors here either.
She's about to be a single mum, The "support" she requires is going to increase expotentially once she births.
she needs nct/bump&me and to he scouring the peanut app for other mums (probably.single ones tbh) "building her village" for longterm support. Shes despearate and scared has glommed onto him and is building a house of cards.

The question to ask your DP is "do you actually think this will stop when she gives birth?"
If you cannot hear the sound of the penny dtopping... leave. Literally start make plans to leave once the convo is over.
If he talks a good chat and still attends the birth i'd also leave. (There's nothing to say you.wont reconcile but dont stay for this)

Imo Mia has made a series of terrible choices and your DP is also making (some questionable) choices.

You may also need to make choices... and i wouldn't rule out lodging, a house share or moving back with your parents.

Also there is no hobby now. She's about to be a single mum... next time she does her hobby will be 2035 probably.

Sorry if someone has said this already but I wondered whether some of it is a language thing? If they are both from the same country, do they both have a shared first language?

I can see it being very scary being in labour and having to communicate in your second language, even if you speak it extremely well.

Perhaps a doula from the same country could work

There is something extremely distasteful about prioritising the hypothetical ongoing relationship and future children between OP and her partner of just a year over said partner's support of his actually pregnant right now friend of 4 years who he shares a country and culture with and who will soon give birth alone and very far from family.

If HE genuinely doesn't want to, in himself, uninfluenced by OP or others, then he needs to sort it out with his friend. Ambivalent support that might flake on the day is no use to her. However it is no one else's business.

Also what’s the plan for after baby is born. What support has she arranged to be in place?

As a pp said, a 4 year friendship with someone of the opposite sex is not enough to consider them a “brother”. Mia has been lining up a certain type of relationship with him that is blurring many boundaries. Asking him for money, pretending to gag when he touches her etc is all deeply inappropriate with a platonic opposite sex relationship of 4 years. And be honest - would you want your brother witnessing the most intimate moment of your life? With all that birth entails?!

Mia should also 💯 be checking the op comfort levels with this - i would be appalled if one of dh female friends asked this of him.

If someone is going to cheat, seeing their potential partner give birth is not going to make more or less likely.

I’d let him go and support her. It’s a day of his life and will logically change nothing between them. Use your head here not the fluffy notions around the magic of birth.

So what if she’s fancie him? You trust him so that’s irrelevant.

Err no just no. Dh has several female friends he sees without me. This would not be happening on my watch. And I’d tell him and actually I wouldn’t expect it of him in the first place.

I think you are being a walkover op. The cosy lunches every week should not have happened either. It’s deeply inappropriate.

Mis needs to go home.

Can her friends from home country not come to be birthing partner?

OP unless you have proof that you’ve seen yourself then you can’t be sure if it’s his or not. If you say you are unhappy (and you should question why they both are bringing this to you as it would make most people unhappy) you should say no, then see if he does it anyway or comes up with a reason why he -has- to.

Your dp appears to struggle to let people down, when this happens it’s default to tell those around you what you think they want to hear. One way of achieving this is by not telling them the truth.

Lying is best achieved when it’s done in the light, if I were to lie to you and make up a story. I would make sure it included shuddering, background details that convince, date changes. Bad liars make poor stories that have no substance to them, they forget what they said. It is very easy to manipulate and convince someone to ignore the blazing hot red flags in front of their eyes.

I wouldn’t be too sure that this friend is not attracted to OP’s DP. The mock shuddering and gagging when he brushes past her sounds really weird to me. Who does that? I’m willing to bet she doesn’t do it when you’re not there.

Surely a family member could come over, she will need help too when at home. There's no way she can do this alone for the first month if she has a CS.

It’s largely iirrelevant, Mia is desperate now - and desperate measures and all that. Whether she finds him attractive or not, she is most definitely lining him up. She is out of options for now, so dp will do.

She is looking for a stand in dad. And imagine the ongoing .. “but you were with me at the birth” that would come for years to follow.

Births aren’t predictable. Your DP is in no way able to advocate for her, and it’s already stressing him out - he needs to bite the bullet now and say no - but you will both help her where you can.

She’ll be fine in the hands of the midwives and if she talks to them now they can ensure she is ever alone.

Don’t be fooled that this won’t cause a problem in your relationship.

Why don’t you offer to go too op?
Poor woman has no one.

Can her mum or sister come over? It’s bizarre asking a man to be a birth partner, particularly one who hasn’t been through it with his own child … it’s such a personal and intimate thing to go through, he could also be there many hours!