Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Welcome to the expat life.

It's sad for her situation but I think she's in love with your DP

A friend of mine was in the same position as Mia. She was pregnant and went to stay with her married sister, who accompanied her to the hospital to have the baby.. When the child was born, she went home with her sister and brother-in-ĺaw and she was lonely and vulnerable. Her sister went back to work leaving her DP with her. Nothing happened between them, but she began to have feelings for him because he had been around her so much when she was at her lowest.

She went back to her own home and had little to do with them for a while. I'm not sure if as a single mother it is possible to avoid becoming, at the very least, very emotionally attached to someone who is supportive at that point in your life. It also depends on how trustworthy your DP is, but I don't think it's a good idea. She will always associate your DP with the birth of her baby.

By all means, be kind and show empathy. Perhaps showing her some doula sites and telling her how strong she is for taking control of the situation might help her enormously. She needs to feel she can do this on her own, because it is tough having a new baby alone.

Try approaching it from the perspective of her being strong enough to so this. I have given birth twice without my DH and it was actually lovely, just me and baby. The midwives will be extremely kind too (hopefully) to someone having their first baby alone with English as a second language.

Protect your relationship. Even those who would never dream of acting on feelings develop them in these situations. Trauma bonding springs to mind.

Edited for spelling, predictive text can be hard work!

Quite honestly OP I would worry about how your relationship with your DP is going to pan out in the future.

It's one thing for him to have a female friend. But given her level of dependency on your DP and her expectations of what she has the right to ask of him, I think their friendship is already rather unhealthy.

And going forward even if he didn't agree to be at the hospital for the birth he is going to end up as the father figure to this child. And you are going to be steadily pushed out of your place in the hierarchy of your DP's affections and priorities.

But I would question why is she “suffering”? Why is she making it about her? It’s literally nothing to do with her. It’s a man helping out a good friend. It no more dilutes the specialness of any future births OP and her partner might share than it would for all the doctors and nurses involved or any doulas.

I say reflect on your discomfort OP and get a grip. It really really isn't about you.

“DP adores me and has said if it is too much for me he will tell her no even though he would feel bad”

So let him know it’s too much for you. As soon as many others have said, this birth is just the beginning. She will go home and need support, and it sounds as though your DP will be the one she turns to - and of course, they will have bonded over the very intimate experience of giving birth. It would be an absolute no from me, because I wouldn’t be prepared to share my DP with another woman, and that is what it seems she wants.

No this is totally inappropriate. Way too intimate.

Agree with this. I’d go along aswell. Xx

It's not about OP but her DP also doesn't seem comfortable with the level of involvement. I'd advise him, apart from contacting the other friend, to tell Mia what he is comfortable with, and ask what her plans are for things he can't help her with. That way, he's not directly refusing, but is setting a boundary.

eg. Mia, I'm very happy to drive you to the hospital if your induction goes ahead on the planned day. But I'm worried about what will happen if it gets moved to a day when I'm at work. I won't be able to take the day off at short notice for someone who isn't my partner. And from what I've heard, the part when you will need the most support is when you'll be labouring. I'm happy to come by afterwards and bring you some food, but I won't be able to help you during the hardest part. What about (female friend from shared hobby)"

Op I’ve just come out of a relationship with a man who was overly enmeshed with his female ‘best friend’ and I will never tolerate this kind of thing again. This woman will never be out of your life if he goes to the birth , it will just ramp up and she will expect him to be a father figure to the baby . And then what happens when you want your own babies. Nope too much weird.

This was my first thought too.

@BeetrootBrownies considering she’s asked to borrow money I’m guessing she can’t afford to pay for any help so a volunteer doula is going to be her best bet. She needs someone calm and experienced and sensitive with her as she births, and gets feeding established. That’s not your DP.

Induced labours are generally more painful and intense, and much more likely to end in an emergency c-section. If your DP isn’t ok with body fluids etc, and is already uncomfortable with the idea, he really won’t be any help to her. Contact her and offer to help organise a volunteer doula, tell her you’re happy to help this way, but he can’t be her birthing partner for a whole bunch of reasons.

There’s 3 of you in this relationship. Soon to be 4

If DP was a woman, or it was one of your friends that needed support, this wouldn't be so much of an issue. It would still be a lot but I think it would be something that women do sometimes do for each other. You've established that they are not attracted to each other and have never had a sexual relationship so its really just that he's a guy and she's a girl thats weirding you out.

I think I could get on board with this but would also offer/expect to be involved too as an extra support. It would be extra weird if they insisted you had to stay away.

If she has no other friends/family in the country, then she's going to be leaning heavily on this one friend for the foreseeable future.....

Mia is an adult, she has chosen to move away from her family and friends and go stead with an unplanned pregnancy. This was all a free choice, and it’s not everyone else’s job to raise her child, pay for it, and facilitate exactly the birth she wants. At the expense of other people.

Op should not be sacrificing her relationship and her peace of mind for Mia. OP’s dp really shouldn’t be this involved in the first place. He needs to tell Mia his work commitments have now stepped up, and he isn’t available. Send some links for support and step back before the baby arrives, and it’s too late.

You have a small window of opportunity here. Boundaries and more boundaries - or you really are going to get sucked into a very difficult situation for many years.

Mia probably needs to go home. This isn’t going to work long term. How is she even going to support herself?

Thats way too much, nurses will assume he is her husband/partner, there will be discussion about her bleeding, private area etc not really suitable place for a guy whos not in a relationship with her or related. What she is looking for is a doula and maybe if you feel kind you could offer to go.

One of my best friends is a bloke, now I’ve never been in Mia’s situation but I can absolutely guarantee you if my husband hadn’t been around when I was having our children I’d NEVER ask that of him! For so many reasons, mainly just cause it’s really weird but also how it would make his partner feel. I get she’s in an emotional and vulnerable place in life but good grief. How inappropriate!
I really feel for you and your partner. What an awkward place to be. I’d say he needs to tell her he feels uncomfortable with the idea and won’t be able to support her in the way she had in mind but will happily support her in other ways. Fully aware that’s a really difficult conversation and lots of people would really struggle with it though.

Good plan. He needs to extricate himself from this expected role, asap. It will never end.

YANBU- I wouldnt like this at all.

A few things that would concern me:

1. I agree that she's way too dependent on him. Having given birth myself I cannot imagine ever wanting one of my male friends there (even though we are also like brother and sister) because it's such an intimate personal thing. This indicates to me she has more than friendship feelings for him
2. He doesnt even feel comfortable with it himself! you cant be forced into being someone's birth partner and the fact he doesnt even think it's right indicates something is very off here
3. Be careful. I dont think this is going to end at the birth. I suspect that once the baby arrives she will try to shoehorn him in as surrogate dad and he'll be partly expected to take on the role since she has noone else (same excuse she gave for the birth plans). I am sorry but if you dont put in some boundaries NOW this situation is going to get a helluva lot worse once baby is here.

She IS totally lining your dp up to step into the father’s role. She is not even being subtle about it, and she is not giving you or your relationship a second’s thought.

First the bonding over pregnancy, then as the baby arrives together, then support and help afterwards, she will no doubt make him a god parent etc etc. You really do need to extract yourselves now.

Absolutely not. The leaving when pushing bit is especially weird - things are going to be intimate and exposed from very early on, nothing suddenly changes in that respect when you start to push!!

As others say, she's way too enmeshed, that's not a normal friendship at all

I’m trying to think how I’d have felt when if I’d had no one else but a male platonic friend to be at the birth and honesty I’d have rather have done it alone. Not even sure I’d have wanted a female friend either. I think I’d only want a man there who I was in love with .

She should get herself a doula, they'd be much more appropriate

This

It is ridiculous idea tbh. I was induced with my first, 18hrs of pushing (while completly naked as i was sweating like crazy),my husband holding my hand through it not sleeping either, forceps didnt work,ended up bleeding,needed emergency c section and had a major bleed there,afterwards skin on skin with baby and again i was nearly naked for nursing,only had undies on with maternity pads. Not a place for a random male,i think its a slippery slope like others say, she will continue to hope he picks up the father role for her baby and the birth day will be just the start