Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

She isn’t trying to curtail his coffee meet ups and hobby meet ups, FFS, even though these have taken a more emotional turn.

This is an event at which the only men in the room are, 999 times out of 1000, the father of the baby or a medical professional.

I think this too. I don't think it's as sinister (a plot to seduce someone by giving birth in front of them really is quite the plot!) or intended to be as inappropriate as most other posters. I think she is really naive and doesn't know what she's asking. 'Stay just for the first bit and then leave for the pushing' might have made sense to me as an idea before I gave birth. Now the thought that you'd send away your one support just as it really reaches the crescendo is laughable. I had no idea how vulnerable or exposed I would be throughout labour. As you say, on TV it's pain for a while with all your clothes on, then a few minutes of pushing, then baby.

I'm not actually sure that when it comes to it Mia will think asking him was the right decision. I have a really close male friend and the thought of him being there when I gave birth is horrifying.

If my brother or best friend were having some "male" related need, my DH would roll his eyes and step up.

If I was the OP, I would offer to come and help instead, being female and all.

I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future
that however is completely ridiculous.

As someone who gave birth alone I would be happy and grateful that my DH was able to do this for someone.

They have a close relationship and you’ve only been together 1 year.

You can give your opinion but chances are he’s going to choose his long term friend over his new relationship, especially when she’s in a very vulnerable state right now.

Posters have suggested that her being pregnant/ giving birth may mean they’ll get together but I actually think it sounds like he wouldn’t want this and so I don’t think you have anything more to worry about.

If he didn’t want to be with her in the past 4 years, then why would he want her now that she is a single parent.
The issue comes if he’s always wanted her but she’s never wanted him - she may change her mind now she’s feeling vulnerable.

I can see her relying on him too much though (who asks to borrow money) and I think this may cause friction between you both as he is likely going to choose his long term friend who is a struggling single mother - how can he say no and he may not want to.

I think he sounds like a really decent bloke and I would remember that when you’re starting to feel insecure.

Him being in the delivery room will take nothing away from your first child.

But I can see this causing issues between you both.

Perhaps he could suggest she hires a doula? Someone to advocate for her.

I think he needs to be honest with her and say he doesnt feel comfortable being a birth partner

Understand where you’re coming from but the thought of a woman going through labour all alone is heartbreaking.

I had a friend who was a 'dhoulla' - could your DP look into this for her?

Sorry I've just seen someone else has already suggested this above.

I’d also mirror PP who asked what her expectations will be once the baby is here. She’s already expecting a lot, imagine what will happen once she’s actually parenting the baby alone. I bet she’s going to be calling on your DP more and more unless he nips it in the bud now.

This is like the other thread on here with the NDN who was a single mum of a baby requesting OP’s DH help her all of the time. I think she’s going to expect this of your DP too. She’ll be asking him to go to classes with her and stuff. It’s just weird. I think she’s vulnerable and wants your DP.

I don't think she's considering freebirthing alone. Sounds like she'll be in hospital, surrounded by medical staff. So very much not alone.

OP said that this woman has friends that are female. She will know other women who are mothers. She has options. If I said tomorrow to my entire network of acquaintances I was due to give birth and afraid and wanted someone with me I think most older women who'd been through birth and could practically attend would be happy to do so. And most older men who'd experienced it with their kids. Mia wanting a friend who literally has never had any involvement or experience with birth to be the one with her is quite telling imo.

I do feel really sorry for Mia. I know you said her family aren't great but are any of them any good? Maybe ask DP to dig deeper? If mum is shit, maybe an aunt or cousin?

@BeetrootBrownies also I just though, with my first I was induced - it last 3 days and ended in EMCS. With my 2nd I had a planned section but because of the way things went baby went with DH for over an hour while I was in recovery.

@DarkPassenger1 That is really true. While I would be nervous I think even if a work colleague I was friendly with said this to me I'd do it!

In fact years ago when a work colleagues wife was pregnant they didn't have a car so I drove her to a good few appointments towards the end when walking was difficult and she had a Dec baby so it was freezing! I hardly knew them, I did become good friends with the wife after. They had no family in the area.

I feel sorry for his friend, family you can’t help if you don’t get on, but it is very strange to have no real friends.
I would be concerned just how much she will put on your partner after the birth when she’s a single mum with no support. Birth aside that’s when she will really need help.
I absolutely see your perspective, it’s a very awkward situation.

Agree with you too some extent, suggest a doula and also still be there. It is at the most intense and potentially lonely times that you need friends.
Was in a similar position with a female friend, my wife came along to the birth as well.
We supported but were also able to agree on what we would or could do.
That friend relationship no longer exists due to a serious disagreement. I am still glad we were there for her though. Sometimes friendships are just for a time & season.

I can see why you feel the way you do, however as you say she has noone else. I wouldn't take that away from her

I wouldn’t imagine having a baby with him in the future OP. Saying this in the gentlest way but he’s far too involved with ‘Mia’.

How are you so sure there’s nothing physical going on between them (or a past history of this?)

They’re definitely emotionally very close and entangled.

Or your partner is a complete pushover and can’t say no.

Neither is great so in my books it would be ‘Mia or me’.

If he didn’t want to be with her in the past 4 years, then why would he want her now that she is a single parent.

This is actually relatively common. My best friend's brother is a "rescuer" and his now-wife was a colleague at work who became a single mum. They have had 2 more children together.

She won’t be alone, she’ll be surrounded by supportive midwives and doctors. I found when I gave birth alone they were much more attentive and supportive than when I had my partner.

I think your DP being at the birth will be the tip of the iceberg. Once the baby is born, who will she reach out to for day to day support, when she is so tired from night feeds that she wants someone else to help with the baby. Who wil she ask to do school pick ups if she can't make it? It will be him she turns to, over and over again.
I feel for her, and I feel for both of you. I think the best thing you can do is look into options for support groups, and help her find more people who understand what she is about to go through. Maybe there's an NCT group she could join late,if she hasn't already?
Sending hugs to you all, it must be so difficult xx

what if she or the baby were to have complications and staff turned to DP to make critical decisions if she didn’t have capacity?

Would this be a good reason for your DP to say no?

Your partner needs to decide if he is prepared to do this once and for all and tell Mia so if necessary she can make other arrangements. However, I suspect he's torn between keeping himself in her high regard as her white Knight and his reluctance to do things he doesn't want to do. Hence his shilly shallying about.
If you think its too intimate then you can voice your feelings and he may factor that in to his decision. Quite possibly he will use your objections as his excuse to Mia so he stays her Johnny on the Spot, but sadly restricted by your jealousy. So be prepared to be the bad guy here.

I think this is a very unfair projection from the details that OP has actually given us. I think I would find it very hard to tell someone no, knowing that the choice was between me being there and them giving birth without anyone they know.

YANBU - BUT she doesn't have anyone else, so if not him, who?

Can anyone from her family come over? Can she pay a doula? Would you be willing to step in? I do feel sorry for her. But I also would feel the same way as you. And if your boyfriend doesn't want to be a birth partner, he shouldn't have to be.

I doubt there is a chance that the beautiful act of childbirth will give them a bond forever, or whatever other posters have said. DP doesn’t feel very strongly about the friendship, doesn’t care much about babies and doesn’t like gruesome things, so there’s a good chance this intense experience will end the friendship for DP. He’s more likely to turn green than want to cut the cord or hold a wet newborn.

I feel bad for Mia that she doesn’t have anyone else to ask. They have been friends for a while so this isn’t just a random man she’s latched on to. Even if she did have feelings for DP, I think she knows that the act of childbirth isn’t likely to make him fall for her. If he really doesn’t want to do it I think it would be nice to help find a friend who will

I think op this is very sad for her that she's not got any family or other support system, but unfortunately I think that's making her overly depend on your dp and I would also feel uncomfortable with this. She could hire a doula, she could ask her family to fly over to be with her since its planned or she could, as many women do, do it alone.

In reality there's going to need to be a point where he steps back because he cannot fill the gap of a partner to her or father to her child and she will need to get used to lone parenting and having these experiences by herself unless she seeks someone more appropriate.

The fact your dp feels uncomfortable with it is unfair as well.

I think he needs to tell her that he doesn't feel comfortable with it but that you've offered to step in and be there and support her instead and that you'll both be there for her when baby arrives but be clear about what that looks like.

I feel for Mia but there's no way I would be comfortable with that scenario. Birth is unpredictable, who knows what will happen on the day. I would not want my partner to be at someone else's birth, ever, I find it extremely weird and inappropriate. I would ask him to not do this, because it would upset me.
You and your DP need an honest conversation about how you both feel about the situation and how you are going to emphatically say no to her.
Personally I'd be suspicious about this woman, any woman in fact, who was clinging so hard to a partner of mine. Where are her female friends to support her?? It's not his place to be doing this and I feel she has designs on him. Even if she doesn't, I would not like it one bit. However I'm probably much older than most people responding on here, and I do appreciate that things can be viewed differently now.
Ultimately OP has to be honest with herself and if she doesn't want it to happen then say so. I feel her DP is in over his head, probably doesn't want to do this at all but has been made to feel guilty that she's on her own, but where does it all end? She is not his responsibility and they've only been friends a few years. This has developed into a ridiculous situation. She's manipulative in my opinion.