Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

I don’t believe this situation at all. I would suspect your partner is the father of the baby. Why does she not have any friends? You all have jobs and a good social life yet she doesn’t have a friend? Beware of this

I agree. And I don't think the depedendancy is going to stop when she's on her own with a child...

Sorry @Mischance I didn't mean to quote you or anyone in that post but can't undo it

Seeing as your sat so high up on your moral stool, why don’t you pass on your details to OP so she can let Mia know you will be willing to help. Better still maybe your partner?

I’ve had a baby alone as many woman do and I did so in a foreign country. I would not dream of asking a male friend (especially one with a partner) to watch me push a baby out.

Mia seems to know exactly what she’s doing. The icky schoolgirl noises when they ‘accidentally’ brush past one another. She wants him as a replacement daddy for baby.

Well let’s investigate the thread for a second. This woman’s sudden intensity with pushing OP’s DP into a more supportive and reliant role is making the DP himself uncomfortable. He has described it as a sudden change in their relationship dynamic and he doesn’t like it. He feels she is expecting too much and this is not the kind of relationship they have had until now.

Regardless of why this woman’s intentions towards the DP have changed she is forcing something that is making not only OP but the DP himself uncomfortable and unhappy. He is clearly feeling guilted into caring for her because she is laying it on thick that he is the only one who she wants.

Do you not think it is fair to call this behaviour out? To say yes, you are a vulnerable woman and you should never have been abandoned but that doesn’t give you the right to push others into uncomfortable spaces and hold them there? Because perhaps it is a bit sinister, intentional or not.

This is bonkers. Giving birth is one of the most intimate and vulnerable things a woman can do, she should only do it with a close FEMALE friend/relative, a hired professional or her partner imo.

She should look into hiring a doula, although she’s left it rather late. It’s definitely not on your DP to support her. He’s not her partner or even a relation, he’s not really in a position to support her. I also think the first time he supports a woman in labour should be his own partner. Different if some sort of emergency happens and a man is the only one on hand but to actually plan to be there, it’s too much.

I also think she’s developed a co-dependent relationship with him. I know heterosexuals can be friends but I’m dubious about how close they are. Your DP may be well-intentioned but she is clearly incredibly vulnerable right now and may be starting to see something else in him. I’d be wary, I think he needs to start backing off.

If you had to give advice to someone who is on this situation what would you say ?

She has other friends. She has female friends. She has been here for many years gaining further education and employment here. She just wants OP’s DP. She chooses to be closer to him. She is telling him he is the only one she wants to support her. It’s very obvious why, really.

If she was genuinely alone and vulnerable it would be another matter, but she 100% has other people who would likely be very willing to support her.

Read the first few posts and I'd say you should go if she is mutual friend.

It's also sad she has no other support in the UK because how is she going to cope once the baby arrives?

I’d be ok with this and can’t imagine saying he can’t be there to support her, and I suspect it may damage your relationship if you insist on that. They are obviously v close friends and she’s alone and struggling.

A big no from me!
If he's never witnessed a birth, or even sat with someone at the end of labour, then he won't know what's hit him!
And if you and him were planning on having a baby, I'd want him to experience it with me first rather than someone else- he's not even the father.

I suspect Mia thinks she will be sitting prettily contracting under the covers in a gown for ages like Rachel on Friends, before finally whipping the cover off at the end to push. The reality of some inductions (particularly if you end up wanting an epidural) is that there can be needles in your spine and hand, a clip on the baby's head, and a large number of people poised with a rescuscitaire in case the baby becomes distressed. If it's gone on for days (my friend took 4) it can be quite a scary experience for an observer.

My concern would also be that this is just the start. Will he be godfather, will he come and give her a break, is he free on all his days off to meet up while she is on mat leave, and so on. This is quite an evolution from a hobby/night out friend.

I really feel for this woman's situation, but can totally get where you're coming from. Never mind the fact he doesn't want to do it himself!

She could be in hospital for 5 days with the induction alone, if the early interventions don't work and/or there are no rooms available after waters have broken. Then more days if she has a c-section or other birth complications. How much of that could he realistically be there for?
You can't really pinpoint when things are going to get moving with an induction or birth. There can be lots and lots of waiting for things to happen then all of a sudden things are happening quickly.
Of course it might go quickly and smoothly - but if he commits, can he commit to the long haul, or would she be happy with him dipping in and out around work, for example, and not actually being there to advocate for her at every stage? Does she just want him to show up if/when she's in active labour or having surgery?

I think she is also potentially overestimating how much he will be able to advocate for her. Even willing fathers and birth partners can find themselves struggling to cope and assist in such a scenario - and your bf doesn't even want to be there. And it can get a bit gross before the pushing stage. Hello vomit.

And what about after the birth? Yes being in hospital and giving birth can be scary, especially when alone, but there will be staff around to care for her. When she gets home, alone with a newborn, that's a whole different kind of difficult.

If there really is a special friendship there, it might stand more of a chance if any help he offers is coming from a genuine place rather than guilt or obligation, and is of the sustainable kind. There will be plenty of opportunities to help when the baby arrives, especially if she has a csection, and you can do that together.

I would help out your DP by researching a local Doula and telling him to give the details to Mia telling her that it's too much to expect him to be there while she gives birth (even if prior to the 'pushing' stage), it's too intimate and he has to focus on his relationship with you and his up and coming assessment/promotion. He can do it kindly without offence being taken by Mia. If she does kick off; well that tells you everything.

If you were my friend this is what I would say to you IRL.

You have only been together for a year, I know you love him but this is clearly too much / a dealbreaker for you. His best friend seems quite dependent on him and now that her ex has run a mile, her and your partner are going to end up getting closer… the fact that she has asked him to be there for the birth it’s incredibly intimate. I bet he takes on a sort of “dad” role after the baby is here. If you have a gut feeling this is too much then it probably is for a reason…

But he doesn't want to do it.

She sounds scared and lonely. Perhaps you could both offer to support her together. She would probably prefer another woman but doesn't feel she knows you well enough to ask.

I also wonder if he is telling OP that he doesn’t want to do it but “can’t say no” because he secretly does want to be there but wants to make it look less awkward to OP

She needs a doula, a paid, professional birthing advocate who can act as a birth partner. It’s wild that she’s asked your partner, but she’s probably feeling very isolated and vulnerable and making inappropriate requests.

To YOU. There’s a lot of people here who agree it’s weird. I’m sure it’s lovely to have lived a life where you haven’t seen the sinister side of people with strange intentions, so aren’t alert to it, but that is not always the way of the world. This situation is bonkers.
Suggesting that it’s alright she’s getting induced on his day off. Do you KNOW how long labour can take? The recovery? This woman sounds heavily out of touch with reality, which combined with postpartum hormones sounds like the start of a wild ride for OP’s partner.

So it's very clear she 100% fancies your boyfriend, evidenced by her pretending to gag when he touches her/brushes past her. If she saw him as just a platonic friend there would be absolutely no need to put this kind of performance on, which would be hurtful to many guys (someone pretending that even brushing up against you makes them vomit). So that part is settled.

She's probably going through a crisis and panicking that she's heading into motherhood single with an unreliable coparent. And trying to manoeuvre the situation into getting with your boyfriend so that she has a ready made family/support.

It's quite slick tbf, as your boyfriend being present for the birth could well trigger all kinds of emotions and connections between them. Seeing her in a vulnerable position could trigger wanting to protect and care for her. Witnessing a baby's moment of birth could cause some kind of bonding father urges, with the intensity of it all, especially when he's never been through it before. It's an incredibly intimate thing to share and they will always have the story of her baby being born linked with your boyfriend. Staff will unanimously assume he's the father, even if it's denied, and offer for him to cut the cord, hold the baby, do skin to skin. If she has to stay in or the baby has complications he'll be expected to step up and care for the baby while she's recovering. He certainly won't be able to just leave, even if he practically could do so not many people could stomach going back home leaving an injured/recovering new mother with a newborn.

If he thinks she's leaning on him now with weekly meetings and asks for cash it's about to get ten times more intense once he's been there through the birth.

It would rob you and your boyfriend of going through the experience of having a baby together for the first time. It also puts him in a really awful position, childbirth and witnessing childbirth are common causes of PTSD and if something goes wrong, expecting your boyfriend to have a front row seat to witnessing it could literally cause him to develop something like PTSD.

It's all very intense for a friendship of four years, and I say that as someone with a handful of close male friends. Your boyfriend can't be the sole support that she leans on through this, she needs to start making other plans ASAP.

Your boyfriend is clearly very susceptible to 'captain save a ho' scenarios or he wouldn't be dutifully trotting off to spend time with her every single week listening to her going on about baby topics and even considering going along with this, that tendency is going to become verrrrrry risky once sht hits the fan and she genuinely is in a position where it looks like she needs saving and protecting, along with a cute tiny innocent little baby.

I would bet money that they end up together within the next year. I guess it's up to you OP whether you want to stand your ground and insist he acts like your partner, not hers, or whether you want to be chill and just let the chips fall where they may and accept what will be will be.

Also she will 100000% be grabbing hold of him to hold her hand when the pushing starts. That's the time when you most feel scared of being left alone and need someone there with you to encourage you and hold your hand.

She needs to get a doula, having a man who isn’t your partner is bloody weird. I sympathise/empathise with her not having many friends and not having a female friend to call but dear lord, that it odd.

OP, it sounds like you have a lovely, trusting relationship with your husband and he’s a great person. As hard as it is, I think he needs to tell Mia that he can’t be her birth partner, for all the reasons others have stated already. It’s good that they have a solid friendship, but if lines get blurred, no one wins.

Ah there’s always one. Point us to where OP has prevented the DP from having friends? And DP clearly was held at gun point?

Seemingly there relationship is great and the friend is a mutual annoyance to them both. Im guessing you’ve been the friend in this situation?

Because youre misrepresenting abusive relationships, and it makes no sense.

Not enough eye roll emojis for you 🙄🙄🙄

She’s using him as her partner and he’s playing along.