Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Why don't you offer to go... she needs a friend.

Iam a firm believer in male and females can be just friends. I myself grew up with 6 boys who I considered brothers, into my adulthood two have remained, funnily enough, the two that remained are brothers haha

the eldest of my two best friends supported me through a miscarriage, staying in hospital with me and was there when I woke up after the D&C, I’ve shared beds with this man and we have seen each other at the happiest and lowest times in life, and that’s it, we are friends, I would never and I know neither would either men have feelings for each other.

that said, if your dp is really that uncomfortable and overwhelmed, he has to grow the balls to speak up to his friend, if she’s a proper friend with no hidden agendas, she will understand and hopefully they can work out an arrangement you’d both feel comfortable with.

I think this is the best advice on the whole thread OP

I think she’s pregnant and giving birth alone in a foreign country and is potentially terrified.

I can understand why she asked DP, but I agree with others that she may have feelings for him.

It’s also not something I would ever ask of a man I wasn’t intimate with.

I’d suggest you volunteer to go instead and DP explains he’s not comfortable with it.

Prepare for some strict boundary line drawing after the birth as she may keep trying to depend on you both.

It’s not about them maybe falling madly in love though emotionally afterwards she may have feels or stronger ones after he was there to support her though such.

It’s about expectations and reality.

First it’s weekly coffee meets where his already finding it too much constant baby chat. He doesn’t want to be her birth partner but is feeling forced into it.

She is seeing him as such great support and his actually feeing less and less want to help but doesn’t have a back bone to say no.

So of course once the baby is here she will ask for more and more and more. Untill either he snaps no or they might as well be a couple. Either way the friendship changes forever

I do think there is a difference in "friend-commitment" between a 'person you grew up with' and 'person you have done a hobby with for the last few years' - whatever the genders involved.

No idea how much they cost, but can you give her a Doula as a baby present? Or can you both go? I imagine it's as awkward for him as for you.

I suspect that if he attends the birth, her dependence on him will escalate

You sure its not his?

Hence the last paragraph of my comment.
and also Mia is probably feeling extremely vulnerable and alone right now, so having her friend and shared language countryman is going to be a comfort to her, I wonder could op and her partner support Mia and take turns during the labour

My friend's DP wasn't allowed into the room when she had her c-section because they weren't married and it was an emergency she wasn't able to consent to his presence so I would question how much a random non partner, non father to be would be able to make decisions on her behalf.

All of you who are totally in favour of the OPs DP being there how much do you think he should give to this? It could well over shoot his day off by several days. His work aren't going to give him paternity leave for a child that isn't his. So would a week off work unpaid be reasonable (that how long I was in hospital when induced)? Mia is suggesting that she gives birth alone so those who think it's cruel to suggest that are going further than Mia is asking.

The father didn't get cold feet a week before the birth and leave her in the lurch - she has had time to make a plan - to go home, to have someone from her home country come over to seek out women from her country living here to help her but she hasn't done those things.

I don't see how this reduces the "friend-commitment" part though - OP is not a committed, close friend of Mia, she hasn't been through birth herself, she probably has no wish to see Mia naked, weeing in a hospital bowl etc etc. Much better to leave that space for a midwife than to tag team in and out (not to mention that OP is probably working and doesn't want to be up half the night or whatever if that is needed).

Friendships are different though when living in a foreign country.

You don’t have to “see” I, like others, am offering an opinion and advice 😊

That may be true for some people, I can see that.

But OP has said her DP isn't very comfortable with the whole thing, from discussions on pregnancy cushions to being the birth partner - he just feels obligated. This is not a ride or die friendship that blossomed quickly.

And I, like others, am replying to posts on the thread.

HTH.

🥛 🐈

I think it’s really relevant that they are both from a different country and that will be adding to her anxiety.

There may be things that he just understands and can voice it to the midwives.
He can also bring her a bottle of water or something minor and she won’t feel uncomfortable asking them if it was not such a good friend.

<yawn>

This was going to be my suggestion too.

He needs to cut out some of this support now. She's treating him like a husband and you realize she will only need MORE help when this baby comes, right?

The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to level things. He's not going to break up with her in the middle of labour or when she's cuddling a newborn who won't sleep in the middle of the night, will he? Because that's even more cruel.

She needs to know he is not her knight in shining armour so she can plan accordingly.

Yes this is exactly the time to judge other women in the way they choose, or need to birth safely

I dont think its about ‘possession’ at all, but essential information about Mia and her isolation in the country is missing, so responses are reflecting a very bloody strange scenario, taken at face value.

I think he should say no because he really doesn't want to do it. It would be a massive ask of anyone, and there's no shame in him not being comfortable with it.

This whole thing is nuts. An induction can take anything up to 5 days, is he going to stay the entire time? I think its really inappropriate and she surely must know thet you would feel put out by this. Im sorry but its just not normal at all. This is such an intimate time, it needs to be a partner or a female. Absolutely noone else.
This is going to drive a wedge between you and your partner as time goes on. She is for to reliant on him. She is going to use him to be a second father to that child I can guarantee it. You really need to put a stop to this