Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

I feel sorry for Mia but I really don’t think she should have asked your partner to be there during her labour. As others have said, where will it end?
She has you as a friend and she has other female friends, so I really think she should have asked one of them.

If he's at the birth, she will call on him every time she needs support as a new mum. Which will be all the time.

I would not accept my partner doing this, the dependency needs to be ended now while it is still possible. And while you have an obvious break point. He needs to tell her that he cannot act as her birth partner. If he's too weak to be honest, tell him to blame you, even though that may make you the bad guy and cause future issues.

But if you were in love with that man he would be your first port of call when you were panicking and you might push him to fill the role of “partner.”

She isn’t thinking “oh I fancy him, let’s have him look at me at my most vulnerable.” She is saying “I need a partner to hold my hand through the hardest thing I will ever have to do and there is no one in the world I want to do it except for him.”

If you don’t think that’s crossing the boundary of friendship.. I mean, good for you I guess.

I agree with you entirely OP. It definitely doesn't sound like DP sees her as anything other than a friend and I can understand why she would want him to be there if she has noone else. But it does seem far too intimate and I would not like my DP to be so involved in another woman's labour. It would perhaps make her more reliant on him in the future too, practically and emotionally. I think it could be a dangerous move.

Would you be able to support him in supporting her? I know it's all very weird but it sounds like she's terrified. And I think every labouring woman needs someone around to advocate for her if needed. It's well known that induction often leads to further interventions and it is terrifying.

I believe you that he's not the father but he does seem to be her only real friend and if he can support her in some way, to the extent he's comfortable, then he probably should, in whatever form that takes, especially if you can in turn support him. That's what friendship is.

If she's this needy before the birth, it's going to be a shit show afterwards. You can literally predict how it unfolds. She gets sent home with with a newborn, gets postpartum depression, calls OP's partner at all hours crying that she can't do things right or breastfeeding isn't working. He has to go over there and comfort her and do all the random errands like grocery shopping or cooking. Especially if she ends up with an emergency section, it would be even harder for her to get stuff done.

If she's attempting to breastfeed and he visits her at any time postpartum then you can 100% be certain that HE WILL SEE HER GIGANTIC NAKED BREASTS. It's honestly not even going to be intentionally sexual from her side but any BFing mum knows that at some point you literally don't care anymore. You just have to let the boobs hang out 24/7 for your own sanity 😂. Not sure how many men can see huge engorged nips and be able to separate those from all sexual thoughts in their minds. So OP, this is what you will be facing if you let him be her birth partner...

@Muffinmamthe teabag thing in an induction: they put in this pessary that feels like a teabag against your cervix. It is full of pig hormones or something to send signals to get the labour going! If it doesn’t work after 12 hours they remove it then give you a 6-12 hour break before trying again. If that fails they try something stronger. Then it gets to more sweeps, breaking your waters and then a drip if labour finally gets going but you’re still not dilating.

OP’s partner is in for a treat!

You are too kind OP. I have been in a sort of similar situation and I simply held my ground and told partner if the lady in question needed support it would be from me and not him.

I made it clear that it was a deal breaker because of the nature of the situation and how intimate it all is.

If you go through with him doing this, down the line when you are pregnant yourself you will think back to this and have regrets, jealousy, confusion etc.

Those shouting red flags, consider this. OP dated boyfriend for 6 months, moved into his home. Got her feet under the table right quick, because she wanted out of her parent's place. Dating 12 months, and she's trying to curtail boyfriend's long-term friendships. MN usually has lots to say about this sort of behaviour.

Bewildered by some of the posters on this thread? Im about to be harsh but this is weird? It’s point blank weird?
They’re not lifelong friends, they’ve known each other for 4 years.
The teenage gagging trying to cover up a crush like a schoolgirl, followed by what clearly is strong emotional intensity and reliance. All just politely ignoring the asking for money part?
Giving birth is so so intimate, you’re naked, you’re vulnerable, you’re in so much pain you don’t really care about dignity. They put baby to the breast immediately after, my husband had to dress me and put me physically on to the toilet, god I wouldn’t have wanted my closest female friends there, just my husband. It is a unique, unforgettable, emotional and bonding experience. And, as a petite person who relatively recently delivered a large large baby, they don’t automatically recommend C section “your pelvis may be the same size as everybody else’s” to quote my doctor. Induction also doesn’t increase your chance of a natural labour.
People are being way too innocent here, it’s weird and automatically dismissing the fact that Mia might just be a bit of a nutter who is way to reliant on your DP is far too optimistic in my opinion. I would suggest he sets boundaries.
Or, not unwise to suggest you go. It’ll be glaringly obvious as to the answer of “innocent female friend desperately seeking support” or “bunny boiler looking for her child’s new father” when that suggestion is made.
Harsh but true. Some posters here have either never given birth or need to give their head a quick wobble

This is not an appropriate request and your partner is uncomfortable about complying. So he must say no - but if you are willing to be there (if there truly is no-one else) then you could offer that. But please bear in mind that if you and/or your partner get involved in this you will find that she will continue to ask for support ongoing.

It's clear that she doesn't have many friends, most of her female friends are "party friends" and OP's DP is easily her closest actual friend (who also speaks her language).

I don't think he's a suitable choice of birth partner either, but we don't have to invent crushes and seductive designs where none exist - it's really insulting to reduce everything down to "she wants to steal my man!!!"

Hi Mia, I've been mulling it over and as we're such close friends I know I'd be able to be honest with you always.

I'm a little uncomfortable/I dont think i can be there for your birth, I know it's such a special time and you'll need support, but I think this should be from someone more experienced and less squeamish😅 like a Doula or one of your female friends.
I've also got loads on with work assessments and I don't think I'd be able to give you my full support and time which is unfair

I definitely want to come and visit you after and help support you and I really cherish our friendship. I'm looking forward to meeting baby and I know you're going to be an amazing mother

Get your dp to change it to sound like more him
He needs boundaries now before he's stepdaughter to a child who's not his own!

P.s. I know women who have had to give birth alone because their family were not available at the time and they were single. It's not pleasant but it is life and unfair of her to put your husband in such an awkward situation

I’m not entirely sure why you’ve quoted me because I agree with you and I said where would it all end.

The undertones throughout this thread defaulting to assumptions about Mia's sinister intentions are awful.

The friendship itself is only 4 years old, so not exactly that “long term” either. Hardly “like family/basically brother and sister.”

lol, what I took from the first delivery is that there is a medication to stop vomiting. I wrote that into the birth plan.

Both my deliveries were pretty brutal, I was induced both times at 41+ weeks

Haven’t rtft but can she not hire a birthing doula to support her and advocate for her?

I know I’m a woman but I’ve never been pregnant either and I don’t think I’d be any more use than DP would be.

This is the case for everyone going through it for the first time, including Mia. I had never been through it, my daughter's dad had never been through it, but he was the best advocate. Even if your partner can find some other way to support her that he's comfortable with, it would be better than just leaving her to it.

It’s less about her intentions being sinister and more that her feelings for OP’S DP very obviously cross some lines. You can feel for this woman and also know that her pushing the DP into a partner role are not right. She is choosing to rely and lean on this man when she should and will have others she can turn to, but doesn’t want to. She wants him. It isn’t going to benefit her for the DP to fill pseudo husband role now she is a single woman. He needs to be clear from the start that while he can and will support her at a friendship level the OP is his partner and he can’t be the one leaping in to take care of her in this way.

No one is suggesting she is evil, just misguided.

Because in reality they can’t be ignored. This IS strange. It doesn’t make all the posters assuming she has sinister intentions some sort of jealous controlling trad wives, there is a ton of red flags here, like not just a few, A LOT. I feel like ignoring them and assuming innocence is just bad.

Your DP doesn’t feel comfortable.That’s the bottom line really. He won’t be a very good birthing partner to Mia if he’s desperate not to be involved in anything too intimate. The whole thing is intimate, physically and emotionally.

He needs to be honest with her. This isn’t being selfish, ultimately this is about ensuring she has the right support. He needs to be brave and accept that it might hurt her feelings initially, but it doesn’t man he totally abandons her. You could still both go to the hospital and be on stand by should she need anything.

Mia then needs to be honest with her midwife and explain that she has no support. They can at least start the ball rolling with advice and signposting. Those things will be useful after the birth too.

Why are people getting all po-faced about OP trying to limit her partner's friendships when it's pretty clear from her posts that he doesn't like the direction things have taken and thinks it's all getting a bit too intense?

No, actually a lot of it does come over that way.