Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Why not simply go along to the hospital with dp? The woman sounds lonely but not keen for more than a family-style level of support. If you like her, join in - go along, hold her hand, tell her there’s no way you and dp would let her go through this alone, tell of her you and dp are together in wanting to help her.

That way dp isn’t alone and I am sure the woman will get the message- and she will get the friendship she needs without the confusing of treating your dp like her own dp.

Mia is scared, alone (having been emotionally abandoned by her family

Do we know this for a fact?

Your dp has given her the impression he’s an integral part of her support system, and it’s not abnormal to ask your support system to be there for you during the birth of your child.

Because there is a different dynamic between the sexes. We don't usually have males present during childbirth who aren't medics, or our significant others. Our brothers, father-in-laws, and male friends don't usually stand at our bedsides while we labour - but our sisters, mother-in-laws, and female friends might.

I'm not sure that you squashing down your feelings of jealousy, possession, and competition would be healthy for the relationship. Personally, I think it's best to express your feelings, and work through them together.
In the OP's situation, I'd probably go to the hospital with him and be there in the corridor to support him, or 'tag in' to support her if he feels overwhelmed (which, from the feelings he's expressed, seems likely).
But it does seem like Mia has become emotionally enmeshed with the OP's DP in a way that could become problematic, and him being her birth partner will likely only worsen that.

I think you sound nice and also naive. You have been with your partner for one year and your whole post is about another woman. You have been involved in telephone calls between this woman and her ex, you have seen letters, scans and know every single detail of this woman's pregnancy and birth plan. Why? You have to ask yourself why is your partner telling you all this? Why are you caught up in it all? You say you needed to get away from your parents - therefore you are vulnerable and may have made a decision you come to regret by moving in so quickly. Tread very very carefully and notice what else you are asked to get drawn into. Take a big step back and observe what unfolds. Whatever is going on in this woman's life is nothing you need to get involved in. My first thought is that you are being used for something that your partner and this woman need. I would be wondering about that. Be careful.

Clearly I’m an anomaly on MN amongst all these self-centred, jealous wives but I think you’re being selfish. Where’s your compassion? This poor woman’s been abandoned while pregnant in a foreign country and your partner is her only friend. Of course she wants him there - she doesn’t have anyone else, so it’s either that or do it alone, which would be terrifying with your first baby.
There's "compassion" and there's "being taken for a mug". Babies aren't a surprise delivered by a stork, they take 9 months to make - she's had plenty of time to do a bit of organising. This is a classic example of " poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine".
Drip feed now tells us that, in fact, Mia does have some female friends that she could call on after all: she should have spoken to them months ago. She should have been at ante-natal classes, making contacts and connections. She should have spoken to the midwives, Etc, etc.

Edited to add: Mia hasn't planned thus far, so its a safe bet she hasn't planned the next stages either. Firm boundaries are needed. OP and her DP can be compassionate without putting themselves in the position of being doormats.

If you and you DP are thinking your relationship is long term, then this is the perfect opportunity for him to show you how assertive he is and put in appropriate boundaries with Mia off his own accord. I would see how he navigates this and also see if this really is the right relationship for you afterall.

You shouldn't be finding someone else to be her birthing partner etc. I know this is harsh but you will be helping her be less dependant on your DP and become more resourceful herself.

OP has said her family are useless and it certainly doesn't sound like they're interested in rallying around.

I had a female friend support me. She hasn't got anyone else. Him supporting you in childbirth with a planned shared baby will be a very different scenario. Let your jealousy go and encourage him to support his friend.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with him going anywhere near the hospital. You can be sure when the moment comes, she won’t want him to leave the room. Then he’ll be there for all the emotions when the baby actually arrives - he’ll be part of the moment, first holding/hugs, first photos, etc, etc. He’ll be pressured to visit in hospital and bring her home, stay with her for hours regularly and so on. He’ll almost be the parent of the baby.

Harsh as it seems, I think your DP should back away almost completely. Personally, I don’t think I’d tolerate anything less.

Well, quite. OP has been with her boyfriend for 12 months and is already trying to limit the scope of his friendships. OP's should choose a different boyfriend if she doesn't like his closeness with his long-term friends. Not seek to deprive a vulnerable woman of support while she gives birth far from home.

You have a different dynamic between the sexes. Not everyone does. We haven't all been raised that way. My own birth partner to one of my births was my gay male cousin. He's my best friend and my DP wasnt in the country.

OP has been very, very clear that she 100% trusts her partner.

Do his feelings about this not matter? If you’ve read OPs responses you’ve seen that he’s clearly uncomfortable, he “feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no” - he doesn’t want to do it but he’s been backed into a corner.

Mia’s perception of their closeness doesn’t seem to be shared by him, either. “DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately” because he’s already “finding it exhausting”, when all he has to do is listen to her talk. He’s expressed that this “has been dropped on him and it’s causing him stress”.

Besides which, Mia is being induced on his day off, so he’s only available until he’s due at work the next day (and that’s if he’s willing to go straight from the hospital to work - if he needs to be rested for his job she’d only have him until he left to get some sleep). He’s unlikely to take time off when “he’s going for a promotion at work and has said he wishes he didn’t have to deal with Mia’s problems at a time when he wants to be revising for the assessment at work”. Although he does care about her, he’s only known her for four years, she’s asking too much of him (this and the request to borrow money which he shut down), and his work is more important to him than Mia. It must be very stressful for her but, even if he wanted to, he can’t guarantee being there to support her throughout her labour and birth, so she needs to make other plans.

Exactly. Find a man who no other women wants near her!

Again there's this hostile assumption that Mia is some sort of wicked schemer/cheeky fucker, as if she's planned this entire thing to get one over the OP.

poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine

This is the kind of pass-agg bland email I send to annoying colleagues - not distressed friends. I'm sure Mia didn't plan for her partner to fuck off and leave her. In her circumstances the natural thing to do is to lean on your closest friend, who happens to be a man, rather than think that because he's a man the onus is on you to find some new close friends and get networking.

If he truly wanted to be her birth partner, they wouldn’t be planning for him to leave during active labour ( which is the part when a birth partner is probably most needed to eg go through forceps vs ventouse or whatever, if there is an issue)

Hard agree. Would you make gagging noises if a close friend or your brother brushed past you? The only possible interpretation of this is that she is trying to cover up the massive crush she has on him, and she's failed because she's employed the methods of a 13 year old.

Fundamentally, he doesn’t want to do this. Take your view and her view away and he is uncomfortable. He is allowed to have that boundary with a friend who he obviously considers to be more casual than she does.

I don’t think the onus is on you to tell him what to do or to fix it. It is on him to say to her that this is too much and step back. He can perhaps reassure her that the midwives will be there rather than just abandon her. But he doesn’t have to do this if it’s not what he is comfortable with.

But presumably that is purely based on third hand knowledge. She has only known dp , and in turn Mia, for a year and Josh for even less. Hardly enough to judge the dynamics fully.

Up until a few weeks ago, I would have judged her and tought she had bad intentions but going through IUI alone at the moment, I can 100% see why she would want a man there to advocate for her. It shocked me to realise how a woman alone is treated compared to a woman with a man. I don't have any family here so I can't ask.

But that doesn't mean your feelings are not valid

Mia is scared, alone (having been emotionally abandoned by her family and physically abandoned by her shithead ex) in a foreign country. The closest friend she's made, who speaks her language as well, happens to be a man.

Disagree. Nobody knows for sure what relationship she has with her family. Having to go through major life events alone is an inevitable part of the decision to leave your home country behind. It's not hard at all to find a community of people who share your background or language in a new city and this is usually a lifeline for a lot of immigrants/expats. There is honestly no excuse nowadays with social media and FB to pretend you can't meet new people after moving to a new country.

Most women living abroad also have their parents (or mum) fly in for the birth and to stay for a while afterwards. If she is NC with her family then she had enough time to come to terms with what that means for giving birth alone and it's entirely unreasonable to latch onto a platonic male friend as a substitute partner.

Absolutely terrible idea for your DH to be present at the birth. It IS a very intimate and momentous experience. She will forever associate it with him and vice versa. The worst part is that he can romanticise the idea of having been there for a birth without the drudgery and hard work that comes afterwards. Most men (and women) have absolutely no idea how hard a newborn. The weeks following the birth hit you like a truck. However if he's absolved of that responsibility, he will forever remember that day like in a Hollywood film where the birth tends to be a symbolic happy ending.

And needless to say, that will haunt your relationship forever. You can only pray you won't hit any rough patches because he already has a person he can run to.

If I had a crush on a man the absolute last thing I would do is invite him to watch me give birth. Mmm, attractive.

You're being disingenuous saying that there's no difference in male/female friendship dynamics - with heterosexual people especially. Men and women can absolutely be best friends, but there are different boundaries. I also think having a gay male cousin present is very different to a straight male friend of four years.

Regardless, the OP feels uncomfortable, and apparently so does her DP, and neither of them have any obligation to Mia, who does have different options available to her. And frankly, it sounds as though she'd be better with someone other than a childless man who doesn't know what he's doing really, or how he'll react, and doesn't want to be there when she'll probably need him the most.

And quite aside from the other issues, what if she ends up naked during the birth (as can happen, when you're in that birthing headspace) and he's not comfortable with it? Or clinging to him, and wanting physical comfort? (Also very possible). What if things go wrong? What if she begins to haemorrhage? What if she cries for him not to leave her during the pushing phase, and he feels he can't say no despite not wanting to remain there? What if he can't take it, and has to leave early, abandoning her? It just doesn't seem like this has been thought through very well.

Im not being disingenuous. I am speaking from my own life experience.

I think Mia needs some real support - ie. groups for women about to give birth! and to link in with any other single/lone mamas locally.

She is going to need a HUGE amount of help in the early days - and your partner simply isn't the right person.

Gingerbread are a long parents group I remember?

Her midwife should be helping her with this.

I find it so hard to believe that your DP is her actual best friend - I think she wants a man there! Which - even from the most innocent perspective I think I can understand. But that's not his or your problem.

she needs to find other mums to talk to about breastfeeding / bottle feeding/ nipple pain etc!!

and she needs to be working on that support network right now.