Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

It’s good that you trust your DP. But as pp said: the bond that will be formed if they share this experience (he being there to protect her interests, advocate for her etc)? There is a massive likelihood that this will muddy the water.

Could she try finding a (private) doula to assist and advocate for her? Potentially even somebody with a similar (or the same) cultural and linguistic background? That would be considerably more appropriate and she’d have a person that could genuinely advocate for her. Which your DP won’t be able to do if he leaves as soon as active labour begins.

People calling the OP selfish to stop DP having this wonderful experience are missing that the DP isn’t keen to do this, he just feels obligated because Mia doesn’t have anyone else.

ETA from the OP: DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no

that’s a good solution (IF her DP agrees to this).

although I’d still recommend a doula!

agree with this and it seems the important thing is whether the DP is clear on what is being asked of him and whether he is equipped to do it. The emotional support is one thing, but if there are decisions to be made / advocacy to be done it doesn’t sound like he’s the right person to do that.

I thought the doula sounded like a good idea. Someone who definitely won’t leave the room and has the expertise for the situation.

He's taking on the role of a friend. Lots of people have friends as birth partners. She just happens to have very few female friends. I just would never try and deprive this woman of support. I'd deal with my feelings. It's about being a girls' girl, I suppose.

This alone is reason not to do it.

She can't keep relying on him and he needs to be upfront about this.

I think this is still just the start of her clinging to him as some stand in daddy. She will just need him to watch the baby so she can shower, so she can nap. She’s been up all night and asked if it’s ok if I sleep over one night isn’t it so she can get some rest.

I would have rather gone it alone that ask even a good male friend to hold my hand though contractions and make possible life saving choice for me and my baby.

She needs to broaden her horizon of baby help to outside of your dp unless he walks to sleep walk into being a step daddy.

If her own family are useless this is her live forever now, child sick so can’t go to nursery, sick can’t go to school, school
holiday cover. That’s without wanting any kind of social life needing any sitters. She needs a circle bigger than Dp.

I don't think that being uncomfortable with your partner being the birth partner to a woman who has already been leaning extremely heavily on him in the wake of her partner's abandonment, could really be considered 'caging' or 'controlling'.

It's actually healthy and okay to have boundaries in a relationship, and expect some things to be exclusive between the two of you - sexual activity, nudity, and birth-giving being some examples.

I think many are missing the point. The OP might not be overly thrilled at the idea of her partner being at the birth of his friend's baby, but she hasn't turned to him and said 'you can't do it, I won't allow you too'! More importantly, her partner doesn't want to be his friend's birthing partner!! He's said yes, out of a sense of duty, rather than because he genuinely wants to be there. If he doesn't want to do it, then he needs to say no. He's not her next-of-kin, he can't make decisions regarding her health or the baby's if she was unable. His friend's expectations of him, are too high and clearly their friendship hasn't ever been on this level before What's also clear, is the OP's partner doesn't want to be involved to this level either. What happens once she's home, is she going to expect him to help her as a partner would?? He has to put boundaries in place.

He needs to say, “Mia, this is really inappropriate and it’s making me very uncomfortable. You need someone else to be your birth partner, because trust me, when the time comes, you’re going to need someone who wants to be there and can cope with it.”

Let's also be clear that OP moved in with her boyfriend after dating him for 6 months and that was just 6 months ago. It is a 12 month long relationship. Terms like 'partner' and 'DP' are doing a lot of heavy lifting - because being overly invested in what is still mostly unknown is what happens when you move in so quickly.

“DP adores me and has said if it is too much for me he will tell her no even though he would feel bad”

Tbh I'd leave him for that.

He should have already said no if he is as uncomfortable/stressed as he claims.

No is the posters who worryingly think they can forbid him to do it.

She’ll have him doing night feeds next. I think Mia knows a soft touch when she sees one.

Oh so not even the four years of friendship he's had with Mia?

This is the kind of situation doulas are perfect for.

At a steep price

Everything costs. What will the cost be to OP, her DH and their relationship and lives?

Clearly I’m an anomaly on MN amongst all these self-centred, jealous wives but I think you’re being selfish. Where’s your compassion? This poor woman’s been abandoned while pregnant in a foreign country and your partner is her only friend. Of course she wants him there - she doesn’t have anyone else, so it’s either that or do it alone, which would be terrifying with your first baby. Would you have a problem if your partner was a woman? Why do people put so much emphasis gender? He happens to be male and she happens to be female. They’ve made it clear there’s nothing more to the friendship. This isn’t about you, it’s about her and trying to be supportive to a woman who’s facing having a baby completely alone. I’d understand your POV if the friend was from here and had chosen your DP over her own family/long-term friends but she has no one else. I’d be encouraging my partner to go because I wouldn’t want to think of any woman having a baby alone. If it bothers you that much, take the time to get to know her better yourself, then you can both be her friend

Being a male, the dynamic is different. It just is, undeniably. Obviously it's up to the OP's partner to decide what he wants to do, but the OP is entitled to feel that it's crossing a line, and to express that to him. You shouldn't have to crush down your own feelings of discomfort to be a 'girls' girl'. One could say that Mia isn't being a 'girls' girl' by treating another woman's partner like a surrogate partner and creating this uncomfortable situation.

And Mia isn't exactly being abandoned in the wild to give birth alone - even if she has no female friends who can attend, she'll have medics there who will be much more helpful than a man who feels uncomfortable but obliged, and has no children of his own!

There are women I have known for decades that I wouldn’t want be my birth partner, nor I theirs. Yes, he’s known Mia for 4 years but in a shared hobby, coffee once a week way. It doesn’t sound like they have had especially deep and meaningful conversations until her partner abandoned her

I dont see relying on a friend as acting as if they are a substitute partner. I wouldnt think that of a female friend relying on me at a vulnerable time, so why would I think that of a male friend? I just wouldnt try and obstruct a woman feeling supported at this time. Being there for women is too important to me to allow my petty feelings of jealousy , possession and competition get in the way of her birth.

Nothing. They'll benefit from knowing hews there when a woman in need required his support. That's a good thing.

Deleted, screw it.
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Nothing as weird as folk.

I don't think this is a good idea, but so many of the responses on this thread are so ungenerous and unsisterly (and controlling). "Not your DP's problem", "it's a no from me", "put your foot down" - all the familiar territorial hackles going up. It's so insulting and reductive to frame this as a conniving seductress attempting to steal the OP's man, because absolutely everything is sexual to many MNers (and inviting a man to watch you give birth is such a well-known seduction technique).

Mia is scared, alone (having been emotionally abandoned by her family and physically abandoned by her shithead ex) in a foreign country. The closest friend she's made, who speaks her language as well, happens to be a man. (If she'd made friends with a woman who spoke her language via the hobby, none of us would bat an eyelid at her reaching out to that woman in this situation.) I doubt she thinks OP's partner is an ideal option as birthing partner but she's not in a situation where she has any great options.

The common language is really important, because it means she has someone there to advocate for her if she can't communicate what she wants. I imagine that's her number one reasoning.

Despite that it's a bad idea - common language or not, a man who has no experience of being around birth and who is not a father himself will likely be fairly useless, and that's before you get to the unworkable idea of him leaving for the birth itself. And the man in question isn't even comfortable with the idea. OP and her partner need to work with Mia to find the best alternative (likely a doula) and to support her as best they can - not turn their backs on her.