Xmas and adult step children

[OneMerryJoker]

We are a blended family, he has 2 adult children age 25 and 29 i have 3 age 15, 20 and 26, my problems is we live 1 street apart from his children, they never visit or call any of us all year round, they never give their dad anything for birthday or Xmas etc, always empty handed never even say merry Xmas or anything when they come in, every year for the last 10 I have given them birthday and Xmas etc invited them over for bbq but this year I decided I was fed up of this and not going to invite them 4 Xmas, my husband did not agree with this decision at all, but I felt my reasons were fair, they always come over over Xmas day, boxing day and new year empty handed and get 3 course meal endless drink, gifts then leave without a thank you or offer of help, my kids come over with a gift 4 each of us, they help with dishes and clearing up etc, now after a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks because I refuse to be treated this way, am I being unreasonable?

I can see why you're annoyed but I would try a middle ground first before the nuclear option of not inviting them for Christmas Day.

This is especially so if their mother isn't around, and I'm wondering if this is the case given they are at yours Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's.

So, I'd invite them but tell them they need to bring something and have a discussion about what that might be. This will prevent them turning up with just a packet of chips.

I wouldn't get them presents. If your husband wants to, he can, but that's up to him to organise and pay for (I'm assuming you have some separation of money?)

With clearing up, I'd tell your husband this is his responsibility (assuming he doesn't help with prep). If he doesn't get his children to help, then more work for him. Not your problem. If he does do a lot of prep, then let him be responsible for everything and tell him you'll clean up. Your kids can help and you can have a nice time chatting with them in the kitchen.

Whatever you do, make sure the burden of his children not helping falls on him, not you. Then it's up to him whether he wants to do all the work or have a word with his adult children.

I don't think you can tell your husband whether or not he can see his children on Christmas Day. You can tell him that he needs to do all the host prep/ present buying/ tidying after though.

I think YABU. I completely understand you being anoyed with them and not buying them gifts but it's your DHs home too and they are his family, so it is for him to decide what contact he has with them in his own home. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell DH that he can do the shopping, prep and cooking for the day.

I know it seems frustrating however to support your husband to have a relationship with his children I don't think I would be that bothered, presence is more valuable than presents. I would invite them over still.

I wouldn’t have banned them but I wouldn’t be their slave for the day or buying them expensive gifts.

They can get a £10 token gift each or get them nothing and if they act surprised say you’ve finally accepted their way of not exchanging gifts as it’s clearly not their thing. Call them out to help clear up the after food mess. No fetching them food and drinks.

Id also unashamedly hide away some of the better bits till they had left or eat them prior but I’m petty.

Sounds to me like you just need to take a step back, let dh do all the hosting and you sit back. He can do the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping.. no drama, just leave it to him.

It’s not you inviting them, it’s your husband inviting them. He can do the hosting and also the gift buying part. That way you are not bitter.

It sounds like he hasn't brought his DC up well. You should not have to pay the cost. You put the work in on your own DC upbringing and now they are decent humans. I'd tell DH you are not going to invite his DC to Xmas dinner this year but if he wishes to he can be cooking the Xmas dinner this year. You are having a year off and sitting down with a glass of wine to chat to your DC when they visit. He can ask his DC to help with packing up dishwasher or washing up. You and your DC will be taking a little walk after Xmas lunch. Tell him you will cook on NY day. Alternatively you cook for DH and your DC and he pays for his DC to go to a hotel or get a takeaway.

This with bells on.
Or alternatively a group message
Hi everyone let me know what you want to do for Christmas. I'll do the turkey. Who wants to do the sprouts? Who wants to bring the dessert?

I have tried this in previous years, my husband suggested 2 them 2 bring sumthing, and they did, they brought 4 tins of alcohol for themselves! My husband does not cook so i do all cooking and he does cleaning up, but he never asks them 2 help, he knows they r lazy and just accepts it and thinks every1 else should 2

Personally I think their behaviour is the result of poor parenting so I’d be blaming the DH (assuming the mum is not around as not mentioned). I’d start being petty with my husband rather than with his kids.

It's totally up to your DC whether he decides to buy his DC Xmas gifts or give them cash. No need for you to get involved in buying or wrapping any gifts he gets for them.

Id be taking my own children out for Christmas dinner at a restaurant and leave him at home to do the grunt work for his ungrateful children.

You can't ban him from seeing his family but you don't have to do any work to facilitate it, stepping back may open his eyes or not but it won't be your problem anymore.

Then you need a specific list to tick off with names on
Sprouts... Jim
Parsnips...Jane
WIne..........Joe

I can't keep the best bits till later hahaha coz they don't leave till early hrs next morning once they r drunk and usually sick

I can resonate with you. Stay out of it. He must see what you are seeing himself. They have shown themselves for what they are. I once touched on the subject telling him he was being used an atm and didn’t mean anything else to them. He was furious. I can see it now. Sat there with crocodile tears at his funeral. Deep down there only there for show until they receive some inheritance. They collect a couple hundred quid at Christmas and birthday and don’t say another word to him. Empty handed all year round. I was the one buying both of them birthday gifts and paying attention to special occasions. I have stopped completely. Neither reciprocated. So I stopped. The last straw was saying nothing when there sibling was born and neither asked to visit or see him. One of them has a habbit of ringing up demanding money with no please or thankyou. Never heard either of them say please or thankyou in the years I have known them. Haven’t seen or spoke to either in 4 years. That’s how it will stay.

So he's as immature as they are and emotionally abusive (silent treatment).

They ignore you all year until it's time to rock up and be catered to with good food and get handed gifts and get drink to excess. Fuck that.

HE wants them to be invited and let them act like that, he can sort food and drink for them, clean up after them, and fund their gifts by himself.

I would set up a group whatsapp to all that are coming for Christmas. Suggest that we all contribute various items to make the day wonderful.
John case of red
Benjyboo case of white
Sanjay M&S trifle
Delila large box of thorntons

You have DH problem. I assume he patented them to be lazy. And also sounds like the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree as you seem to be the one doing all the work round presents etc. Why doesn’t DH cook?

Unless every1 wants food poisoning my husband can't cook, I would love 2 leave him and his 2 to get on with it but where do me and mine go, I don't see why we should leave as we lived here long b4 he moved in

Why not ask him to leave? Who owns the house? Whose name is on the lease or rental agreement?

Why do adults behave like this in the first place?

He won't go 2 theirs as its filthy, they have 2 b told to shower b4 they come over! they have never had a job, there isnt money 2 take them out 4 dinner, dh doesn't visit them during the year and they don't visit him so I don't see the big deal excluding them at xmas

Hey sound dreadful,and so does he
I bet your children don't like any of them

They