Xmas and adult step children

[OneMerryJoker]

We are a blended family, he has 2 adult children age 25 and 29 i have 3 age 15, 20 and 26, my problems is we live 1 street apart from his children, they never visit or call any of us all year round, they never give their dad anything for birthday or Xmas etc, always empty handed never even say merry Xmas or anything when they come in, every year for the last 10 I have given them birthday and Xmas etc invited them over for bbq but this year I decided I was fed up of this and not going to invite them 4 Xmas, my husband did not agree with this decision at all, but I felt my reasons were fair, they always come over over Xmas day, boxing day and new year empty handed and get 3 course meal endless drink, gifts then leave without a thank you or offer of help, my kids come over with a gift 4 each of us, they help with dishes and clearing up etc, now after a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks because I refuse to be treated this way, am I being unreasonable?

Why can't you go to your 26 year olds. Why does everyone come to yours?

Have a semi-dry Xmas. Just have enough drink for the meal. Don't do 3 course. Just 1. Hide the rest of the booze for until they are gone. Assume they will clear off once the booze has run out. Just say cost of living etc.

Buy they token gifts of about £10 each.

Say you are only inviting them Xmas day, not boxing day etc. Then maybe plan a more extravagant meal for boxing day?

Where is their mum?

Have they got learning difficulties, are they ND etc? Where is their Mother? If its a no, who has raised them to be like this? Having said that, I won't be bullied into doing adult presents and I don't think guests should necessarily pitch in.

Does the 26yo still live at home? Any chance that child could host (you could cook the meal in advance). If not I would save up and take them out for Xmas meal and leave him and his kids to it.

Their mum died 10yr ago, my husband expects them 2 b invited all xmas and new year, and no limits on food n drink coz its only once a year, if they showed any appreciation or respect for us then I wouldn't have a problem but am just sick of allowing them 2 do this, so I thought if I dont do it this year give them the time to think about their behaviour then mayb next year will b different

My place is the biggest 2 hold every1

No learning difficulties just lazy their mum did everything 4 them, and i mean everything even their homework, they were not taught to do things 4 themselves or respect others

I mean their mum died ten years ago and your husband never visits them. Pretty awful parenting from him.

Honestly op. I’d host your children at one of their houses is possible or book a cottage / lodge.

Leave dh and his children to host and cook their Christmas together.

Blended families are set to become a burden, imo, sooner or later. Usually not on the husband/ex-husband involved.

Everyone including your step kids? What about just you and your kids. Leave the others to it.

Are you serious?

He used 2 visit but everytime he went it ended up in an argument bcoz of the state of the house, its so dirty u can't sit down never mind have coffee, so he gave up after years of this repeated argument

The Christmas day issue is a one day a year issue.

"After a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks"
He on the other hand sounds like an all year round issue.

Yes dump DH or at least insist he goes to theirs -also crap for your DCs to always to have this drunken rabble round

I understand that now they're adults, this isn't acceptable.
However, they were 15 and 19 when their Mum who did everything died. Dad had already moved on with a new family and you're surprised they don't know how to be adults??
It's, yet again, a DH problem as he didn't step up when they needed him. He also sounds like he doesn't adult very well as do everything. There's no surprise that they are clueless!
I know they are adults now but I think they've been dealt a rough hand and they will see what you usually do as tradition and acceptable as it's the way it's always been.
Stopping it all is unfair but more boundaries are needed. Unfortunately, the boundaries need to agreed and enforced by DH and if his response is to give the silent treatment then he isn't very emotionally grown up so you'll find it challenging.
Again, the children who lost their mother and have been let down by their father are not who you should be directing your anger towards!

Do you own or rent your house?

You still have dependants so he needs to go

Can you plan to go out over Christmas with your children?

But as the remaining parent why didn’t he equip
them with life skills? They were young teenagers when their mother died. It sounds like utter crap parenting from their father.

He tried but they wouldn't listen bcoz their mum would always fall out with their dad whenever he tried 2 parent them, so when she died they already had it in their heads that dad says doesnt matter

My own kids lost their dad 5 years ago, but they r not disrespectful 2 dh in anyway, i just don't know how to handle dh and his kids whilst being kind 2 myself for the 1st time in 10 yrs

Go - just you - to one of your children's houses for Christmas and leave him to deal with his two children as he sees fit.

It takes 2 to parent, where was DH when mum was still alive, where was DH after mum died?

Go away with your children. That’s the only way you will get want you want / need.

It might also give dh a kick up the arse to how his life would be if you wasn’t there running around making it all nice.

Their mum died when they were 15 and 19? Well whatever they’ve become now seems to be as a result of your husbands poor parenting tbh. So were they left to live on their own when their mum died? Or did their dad live with them for a while? I hope they were not left alone to deal with their grief at that age and to sort out their lives. They deserve better. Poor siblings.

Their father needs to help them deal with their issues, not agree with his wife to exclude then on christmas day when they have nowhere else to go!
He needs to help them sort their lives out tbh. He’s the only remaining parent and he has a lot of catching up to do.

Your H would probably get professional help to help them sort out their house and deal with any lingering psychological issues.

exactly.

You cant dictate what ye does but you absolutely can dictate what you will do. Id be removing myself (and inviting those i wanted) and id be taking myself elsewhere. They can sit in squalor and eat a pot noodle before id spend another second in their presence.