Xmas and adult step children

[OneMerryJoker]

We are a blended family, he has 2 adult children age 25 and 29 i have 3 age 15, 20 and 26, my problems is we live 1 street apart from his children, they never visit or call any of us all year round, they never give their dad anything for birthday or Xmas etc, always empty handed never even say merry Xmas or anything when they come in, every year for the last 10 I have given them birthday and Xmas etc invited them over for bbq but this year I decided I was fed up of this and not going to invite them 4 Xmas, my husband did not agree with this decision at all, but I felt my reasons were fair, they always come over over Xmas day, boxing day and new year empty handed and get 3 course meal endless drink, gifts then leave without a thank you or offer of help, my kids come over with a gift 4 each of us, they help with dishes and clearing up etc, now after a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks because I refuse to be treated this way, am I being unreasonable?

Wow, and you thought this 'man' was a great person to have in your life? You do realise he made them the way they are today, don't you?

He moved in with them 4 a while he stopped working 2 b with them during their grief but when he had 2 return 2 work I was still there for them, all the 19yr old had 2 do was make sure her brother got up in the morning 4 school that's it, their dad was back home supper time, we were their for them every day

Hold on - who were they living with after their mum died?

Are you saying that they lived with DH up until 4 years ago? Or that he paid for them to live in a house - who was living with them after their mum died? Which adult was looking after them?

at 19 she is more than able 2 take care of a 15yr old Was the 19 year old left to look after the 15 year old when the mother died? DH wasn't living with them?

If so, no wonder these kids have got themselves into a mess, who was looking after them in their grief?

If you are saying the 19 year old should have been capable of keeping house, then what intervention was made when it was clear that this wasn't happening?

Did DH kick them out of the house so he could sell it?

Oh my god. I didn't see this.

How long did he move in with them?

Clearly DH has created a very damaged family, it's not your responsibility to look after them, but it was his and it sounds like he failed his own children.

I don't have any words to be honest, but you want to ban them from Christmas as you expect them to bring gifts/food and help out in a way their father hasn't/doesn't do for them, and blame them and their mother for the way they live?

If anything, from what you've said of the squalor etc, I'd assume they are in fact traumatised and weren't looked after/taught how to keep house by possibly mum and definitely dad - they need(ed) help and pity.

Is this in the UK? Was social services involved or did they think dad was looking after the 15 year old?
How did mum die?

Jesus, how can you even look at your DH? He failed his children.

For how long? Did he stay 6 months, 2 years. It’s all context. I’m assuming he had his home, you had yours & they have the house they lived in with mom. from your post their mom obviously did everything for them so assuming a very loving doting figure in their lives. I lost my mom at 28 & that devastated me, I’d have been traumatised if I had lost her as a teen. This doesn’t scream laziness to me, this screams of severe depression & emotional shutdown. If they are living in squalor where is the duty care. Why hasn’t social services been called. Has anyone tried to get them counselling? If not why not. Comparing your kids to theirs is that even fair? Have they had the same struggles? Why is the mom getting all blame at the state of the kids readiness for life?

You think it was right for 19 year old who had just just their mum to look after their 15year old sibling?
Meanwhile, their dad was living with you and playing happy families.

It’s the father’s choice but I can’t believe you were ok with it.

I hope they manage to process their trauma and move on with their lives at some point.

If the. hold ten couldn’t live with you, their dad should’ve moved in with them until they were both adults and had processed their grief. He’s their only parent.

You live with him and you’ve witnessed how he’s treated his children and you sound like you think he’s done something good.

You should have a sit down with him and encourage him to get a professional cleaner/ organiser in to help his children. He should find time to get them help/therapy.
He should support them in getting a job.

I can’t believe him. Their house is too dirty. Who should’ve taught them those skills?

They would have been better off with help from social services. I wonder if they can get help now.

The way you’re coming across when you have children of your own, is shocking tbh.

You and your husband should be ashamed of yourselves.

@OneMerryJoker you say your DC don’t behave like the DSC after their parent died, but I assume they lived with you when their dad died, unlike your DSC who had to fend for themselves whilst their dad lived with your DC. No wonder they behave like they do. DH is not and appears never to have been dad of the year

You and your DH are awful. You should be deeply deeply ashamed of yourselves.

I can’t imagine there’s any context where saying he paid for is relevant about a dad housing his teen children 1 being a minor. Ok he allowed them to live with him. Thats mighty good of him considering they’re his children.

That’s extremely petty

Your husband and his children are taking a lend of you. You’ll be doing this until you die, fall out whichever comes first so unless you want to bubble over with resentment you need to set boundaries now.

👏👏👏👏👏 OP you are not a blended family at all ,leaving a 15 yr old when there mother died to be looked after by an older sibling .Disgraceful.