Xmas and adult step children

[OneMerryJoker]

We are a blended family, he has 2 adult children age 25 and 29 i have 3 age 15, 20 and 26, my problems is we live 1 street apart from his children, they never visit or call any of us all year round, they never give their dad anything for birthday or Xmas etc, always empty handed never even say merry Xmas or anything when they come in, every year for the last 10 I have given them birthday and Xmas etc invited them over for bbq but this year I decided I was fed up of this and not going to invite them 4 Xmas, my husband did not agree with this decision at all, but I felt my reasons were fair, they always come over over Xmas day, boxing day and new year empty handed and get 3 course meal endless drink, gifts then leave without a thank you or offer of help, my kids come over with a gift 4 each of us, they help with dishes and clearing up etc, now after a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks because I refuse to be treated this way, am I being unreasonable?

Quite young? One of them is 29! I would be off out for a nice meal with my two personally.

People mature at different rates, but they do sound at best rude.

However, personally I don't think if it reasonable ask a father to exclude their motherless children from Christmas for being rude and ungrateful. Absolutely you can say you are not cooking and he has to, or that you are going out for a meal with your kids and he can have his children over himself of course.

Personally I would just give everyone jobs as I said, so they know the expectation, and tell DH he can make sure his kids contribute. If they then choose not to come, that is their decision. However, that still places the mental load on OP so think perfectly reasonable to just take herself away for the day with her kids ect.

Your DH has really let them down. They don't know to thank the cook, at the very least? He has let this bad behaviour continue for years, you should be uninviting him for starters. Social norms within families can be chalk and cheese, it appears your step DC haven't been taught basic manners, it has continued over the last 10 years and now you want to punish them? This is very unfair. Make your expectations of please/thank you, a gift and help clearing up very clear. Send it in a text message if needs be.

If he wants to see his children so badly at Christmas he can arrange to visit them at their house,

I know! The newly elected mayor of New York City is only a few years older!

Set up a family WhatsApp group for Christmas. List what food is needed and job on the day, everyone to pick a food they will bring and put their name against a task ie prep vegetables, buy and cook pigs in blanket . This would include your DH - why is he allowed to opt out of preparing the Christmas meal? Lazy?

You said, for the last 10 years, but 10 years ago, they were 15 & 19. I wouldn’t expect 15 & 19 year olds to be buying gifts for everyone. In their mid to late 20s, maybe, but not all families do gifts. YOU might do gifts, but it doesn’t sound like their dad does. Time together is so much more important. But their dad needs to model all of this and set these boundaries. Has he been fairly disengaged and lumped this all on you? I can see why they wouldn’t feel super close to him.

Did they live with their Mum? If so she Probably didn't encourage them to do these things. They should still be invited, they are your husbands children, no matter what age.

Maybe book a meal out for you and your children. If he wants to host Xmas at home, he can knock himself out

They may not be as polite and thoughtful as your family (I get this from MOE) but they are his family so as equally entitled to being there really.

Drop some hints, oh can you bring x and y please. Could they miss one day though, so not one after the another? Xx

I second this, some people need to be given black and white instructions.

You could give half to your DH and tell him his responsibility is to manage it with his side of the family.

Things only change when shown the way...good luck! Xx

Loved your suggestion about hiding all the best bits. Ho ho

Ask then to bring a large fresh Turkey the day before. So that they can share the cost.

And on the day, also bring some cans of beer, wine etc.

Don't buy them any presents either
Let your DH do that. They are his kids after all

They have been taking the piss for too long..Time to put a stop to it.

this. You can consider going away for Christmas the next year, but this year you can’t ban them. You can ask them to bring specific items and only give very token gifts.

Make a tradition of having a really nice meal with your DC Christmas Eve. Really lovely food and drinks, go look at Christmas lights and Christmas movie, whatever you like. Make it special, the main event. We got in the habit of doing this with my siblings and mum and it's worked out well over the years because often there are other commitments Christmas day.
Christmas day cook something easy for DH kids. If DH wants to get them gifts then he can. Maybe even go off with your DC somewhere in the day while he sits there with his DC.

It’s not your place to address this. This is your partner & his children’s business not yours. You have no authority to put this right. It’s not like you have to deal with them all the time you literally have to suck it up once a year, which by the way we all do. I’m having my MIL round for 2 nights over Christmas & I enjoy her company half the time & the other half I don’t. It depends on which mood she’s in.

im not close to my dad either, he’s made his mistakes as a father & that’s resulted into us not being close. I have a very fractured family & id resent it if my husband decided to make decisions on my behalf how I deal with it. You could suggest not inviting them but to carry it out after he has asked for you not to is as disrespectful to him as his kids are being

Is this an episode of Shameless??

I totally understand your frustration, but unfortunately you married your DH, and he comes as a package deal.
You can’t not invite HIS children to Xmas.
BUT, you can’t pare back what you do for them, gifts you give, drinks you provide etc.

How is your marriage? I’m surprised your DH doesn’t empathise a little more with you and work harder to make sure his kids are more respectful?

Further to my last post, I gave dh the following options, he can go 2 his children and do xmas with them and i will do it with mine, he refused this saying their house is 2 dirty and he isnt cooking 4 them!, I gave him the other option take them out 4 dinner and me and my kids will have dinner ourselves, he also refused this saying he doesnt want 2 do that, he also got the option of staying with us 4 dinner but go see his children in the morning, again he refused this, bcoz their house is dirty, the way I see it is if he doesn't want to cook or make the effort with them on xmas day then why should I have them here where I make all the effort, like people have said its not my problem, telling them 2 bring x y and z is not a option as they don't work and will just say they have no money, i won't feel guilty on the day as I know they wont b sat there eating and drinking everything then spewing up (at my house btw) then leaving without a bye and thank u, even if its 1 day a year, I don't believe u have 2 have people in ur home whom act like that and spoil it 4 every1 else

@OneMerryJoker Who bought up those kids after thier mum died?

Was the 19 year old left responsible for the 15YO? Who did they live with, by themselves?

It seems to me that the issues are very deep seated and not as fickle as ungrateful, useless DC because how has you DH been helping them?

Over the past 10 years the house was too dirty for him to visit but not so dirty that he left his children to live there?

Wow...

He didn't leave them in filth they got their own house 4 years ago and they choose 2 live this way, prior 2 that they lived in their father's house which he paid 4, he had 2 work 2 keep the mortgage payments up, the house was only sold 4yrs ago due 2 the Financial strain of keeping 2 houses, by which time they were more than old enough 2 get their own place and own money, no they didn't get benefits or any money until 4yrs ago, up till then dh Financed everything, after their mother passed, at 19 she is more than able 2 take care of a 15yr old, they would just rather sit on PlayStation then do anything 4 themselves

Youre not being unreasonable. Tell your husband to do the work if he wants his kids to come over. Frankly he should have been doing the gift buying anyway. Tell him to do the work. Sadly you've been doing far too much for far too long, and he's gotten used to it. If he wants to give you the silent treatment for setting some reasonable boundaries then that's his problem. Is he actually worth living with? Sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg.

This is absurd. A 19 year old child should not be taking care of a 15 year old. And why on earth have they been living in a house by themselves anyway? This sounds utterly ludicrous - to the point one wonders if it's actually real.

This isn't making sense.

You keep saying you've been "doing this for 10 years". Doing what? Living with your husband? Married to him? In a relationship with him? What is significant about 10 years in terms of your marriage?

Their mum died 10 years ago, which directly coincides with whatever relationship milestone happened for their dad 10 years ago.

You say they "lived in their father's house with he paid for" when their mum initially died. At which point they were 15 and 19. Where was their dad living at that point? Surely he hadn't left them to live alone in the wake of their mother's death?

Using context clues, it sounds like their dad is a useless deadbeat who left them at their most vulnerable, and that he shacked up with about the worst step mum that two traumatised and grieving kids could have.

Hard to offer any advice really because neither you or your husband seem like healthy people for his adult children to be involved with.

A 19 being more than capable of looking after a 15yo. So 2 traumatised kids at a precarious stage in their lives & that’s the measure of your sympathy. The fact you can’t empathise with them at the point in their life, regardless of how they are now, makes me wonder if you’ve really been this accommodating caring sole. It makes sense as to why they don’t visit despite being streets away & it makes sense why the dad behaves like hes dealing with guilt. You

You have to invite them, they're Dh's kids! Don't buy them presents this year and send a list of what you'd like them to bring. Job done!