Xmas and adult step children

[OneMerryJoker]

We are a blended family, he has 2 adult children age 25 and 29 i have 3 age 15, 20 and 26, my problems is we live 1 street apart from his children, they never visit or call any of us all year round, they never give their dad anything for birthday or Xmas etc, always empty handed never even say merry Xmas or anything when they come in, every year for the last 10 I have given them birthday and Xmas etc invited them over for bbq but this year I decided I was fed up of this and not going to invite them 4 Xmas, my husband did not agree with this decision at all, but I felt my reasons were fair, they always come over over Xmas day, boxing day and new year empty handed and get 3 course meal endless drink, gifts then leave without a thank you or offer of help, my kids come over with a gift 4 each of us, they help with dishes and clearing up etc, now after a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks because I refuse to be treated this way, am I being unreasonable?

Spot on

I think it would be really harsh not to invite them. I think the fact that their Mum died and that their Dad lives with you and one (or more of your kids) is very relevant. If their Dad doesn’t want to ask them to help then that’s up to him. Likewise if he is happy for them to just pitch up then it’s hardly surprising that’s what they do.
If you don’t want to do as much at Christmas then don’t but two extra adults isn’t a big deal. They don’t sound very nice or mature but you must feel sorry for them. You have expectations of them that their own Dad doesn’t.

This. Take your kids out for a festive meal and let the rest of them flounder around on their own.

Your husband sounds like a misogynist abusive ass, btw. Two weeks of silent treatment?

I have to ask: why are you with this user and his grubby family? What did associating with these people add to your children’s lives, and yours? They all sound like shiftless, unpleasant users, including your husband.

I am astonished that your partner thinks it is appropriate for you, your home, and your children to be subjected to this behaviour. The bar is far too low OP.
You have to stand up for yourself.And raise the bar.
If he wants to see them, he has to go round to theirs. They all live near each other so should be easy. But they are not coming round to yours.
If he wants to buy presents he can. But you aren't.

tbh they don't sound as though they've been parented very well if they don't keep themselves clean, their house or know how to conduct themselves in public. Then again, they did lose their mum when they were 15 and 19 which is a horrendous time to lose a parent. And it doesn't sound as though your partner as done very much to help them since. I actually feel quite sorry for them.

Your partner sounds pretty rubbish tbh - a crap parent and a crap partner if he can't even cook a meal.

yes I missed out the horrible abusive silent treatment. God, what a catch!

This!

OP, do you usually actually extend an invitation, and are you planning this to tell them that they aren’t invited this year?

I would be worried that they might just show up anyway as they live so close.

Yabu. I totally understand your reasoning but there are dh children you can’t stop him seeing them on Christmas Day or stop them coming into what i presume is a jointly owned home. I would get dh to buy their gifts and have a word with them about helping out / bringing gifts

Yes YABU

Could you compromise and celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve with your dc instead. Exchange presents on that day. Then have a scaled down celebration on Christmas day with his dc. No presents will be exchanged with your dc so it won't look pointed if you don't give your sdc anything. You can have the leftover turkey sliced and on a plate plus maybe cook a small pork joint. Only 1or 2 bottles of alcohol per meal so they can't get drunk. Lock the rest in your bedroom. For Boxing day, send them home with left overs for dinner but invite them over for a buffet tea. Even your dh should be able to put together some salad, bread, cheese and shop bought goodies for his kids and you go and spend the afternoon with your own kids.

Losing a parent so young, then having a feckless dad who gave up on them, with a wife/step-mum who clearly has no time for them either is very sad.

You have a dh problem - a manchild who seems can't cook, parent before or even after his children lost their mum, prioritise his children or communicate - does he have any useful qualities? Blaming the dead mum for all their failings when he should have been there too is rather pathetic.

You say you have a "blended family", it doesn't sound like you do, it is very much an me and mine, and then them ruining the picture. His kids should be made to feel welcome as part of a blended family, but your dh needs to grow up/step up, mentor his children, put clear, fair and achievable boundaries and expectations in around the invite. Check they are clear, help them if needed and if they don't step up he needs to step up for them, help them with buying some gifts, bringing over some dishes, do some cooking himself (it isn't rocket science - they can all learn together, up to him to make it fun) and clear up after.

He needs to help them every week of the year, as they are clearly struggling with missing skills, not just at Christmas. With an already strained relationship his help will not be welcomed at first, but he need to keep plugging away and see what works, put the time in and mend the past. It will take time and patience.

id be looking at Hoseasons lodges for the cheapest and nearest place to home and take me and my dc off from the Monday to the Friday of Xmas week.
”Yes, yes, we won’t be around, have to go and see old uncle fester, he’s 104 now so probably his last Xmas. Yes, yes, it’s fine that DH wants to stay and spend Xmas with you all but of course it’s self service for you all, yes yes bye bye”.
nobody should have to spend Xmas with what sounds like a bunch of rude, lazy, smelly, drunken entitled twats. Most of us will be putting up with one of those undesirable qualities for a few hours at some point - but all together? Nah.

They may be his adult children. It may be a jointly owned home.
It doesn't give his adult children licence to behave in a degrading and rude way. Nor does it give him some sort of inability to say no to them.
If he wants to see them, he goes to them.

They sound like heathens. I couldn't bear to be in the company of such badly behaved people - regardless of how I was related to them.

At 25 and 29 there is no excuse. They are uncouth and your husband enables it, and to a degree has caused it.

I wouldn't be catering for them in any shape or form, and certainly not buying the ungrateful sods, gifts.

Make other arrangements and let your husband slave in the kictehn for them, shop for them, and serve them.

@OneMerryJoker

I think you need to understand that the only person you have control over is yourself. You can't make his DC do anything and DH is not going to try. You say DH 'can't cook' so what did he do after his wife died or they divorced if that came first? He must have had some period of having to do for himself and his DC before you came along. But at any rate, you can't make him cook, either.

Which leaves you with this; either you put up and shut up or you take action. For action you have two choices; you sit on your arse and he either does Xmas or he doesn't, including buying their gifts. Or you take your 15 year old and go elsewhere. It must be miserable for him/her on Xmas Day if your DH's DC are as horrible as you say. You say your two older children don't have room, but even the smallest place can usually handle two or three extra bodies, even if everyone has to eat from plates on their laps and/or sit on the floor. I'd rather do that than put up with what you say Xmas is like at your house. In fact, if I were your older DC I'd tell you that I'd see you either Xmas Eve or Boxing Day rather than spend the day with your DSC.

Get through Xmas. Then give the totality of your marriage some serious thought. Think about what are you really getting out of it compared to what you're having to 'endure' to get whatever that is.

If he wants them over, he cooks. Simple. I would not put up with years of rudeness, they are adults not toddlers.

So when their mum died
Did their dad move in the house to look after them ?
At what point did he move in with you

You’ve had some good advice @OneMerryJoker. Cut down on the booze so they can’t get drunk and let your DH buy them presents if he wants, don’t do it yourself.

In future, I hope that one of your older children has the room to host and you can go over there!

They were 15 and 19 when there mum died ,did your partner ever parent them?

Their mother died when they were 15 and 19. Your husband makes no effort to see them all year

Poor kids

For the sake of one day I would invite them but maybe at a later time.

Are you cooking for the man who's been stonewalling you for weeks?

Stonewalling is abuse, you don't have to live like this. Sadly the house is a marital asset.

Obviously they are rude, but they are still his children. It is really unfair to impose excluding his children on him unless they have done something appalling. Why don't you allocate jobs to everyone for Christmas (eg you bring X and you are on clearing up after X meal) and also do a family secret santa so they have bring someone a gift?

Not saying they are not really rude, sounds like they are, but they are still (quite) young and his children.