BIL is destroying his family

[GreenJazz]

I don't really know where to post this, but my husband and I need some direction or advice (and I need to rant!).

My husband's brother has been out of work for a decade and has been bankrolled by his parents since then. He is the kind of man who refuses to claim benefits and most jobs are 'beneath him'. He is unpleasant, rude, entitled and often treats his parents (especially his mum) dreadfully.

Now, due to selling the family business my in-laws were fairly well off (private schools for the children, early retirement, nice house, skiing holidays etc) but in recent years, they've become very anxious about money.

Around 3 years ago, he came to them and said he was in 70k of debt and needed help paying it off. We found out that they had to get equity release on their house to cover his debts.

In the last few days, it's come to light that they've given him another 140k (again from the equity in their home), so he has racked up 210k of debt in about 3/4 years. This is in addition to them giving him a sizeable amount to help him buy a flat, and a very generous inheritance from his grandparents (incidentally, a lot more than my husband's, due to the stock market at the time). They have taken him on holiday regularly in the past and paid for everything, whereas my husband hasn't been invited (at least as long as I've known him so over 11 years). Overall, he must've had over 500k since becoming an adult (he's now 40) and he has almost nothing to show for it. We don't know exactly where the money has gone, but he travels a lot and we think there's gambling involved too.

As you can imagine, my husband has been very hurt by this. All of his life he has had to put up with his brother demanding everything from his parents, his rude, entitled attitude and now the financial and emotional abuse of his parents. His brother has threatened to kill himself on a number of occasions in an effort to get his parents to lend him money, and promises to change etc but obviously, this doesn't happen. He says the world doesn't understand him etc etc but it's very difficult to feel much sympathy for someone so unbelievably difficult.

Of course, we understand that it is his parents' money and they can do with it what they like, but is there any way of protecting them from giving him more money? They're clearly terrified of him hurting himself, and my FIL confided to my husband recently that he only has about 3 years of his pension left because of this (he's currently 78 and in good physical health, apart from his very bad anxiety). I feel this behaviour is coercive and we want to try and help them as best we can.

For context, my BIL lives alone (no partner we know of) and has no children. My husband and I live in the south-east with 3 children. He has a good job and I also work part-time while my youngest is not yet school-age, and while we're comfortable enough, we do need to budget every month and have a lot of repairs to do on our house that will be difficult to find money for.

My husband has been very philosophical about the whole situation (he has grown up with being left out of holidays, outings etc), but even he has found it difficult not to be bitter and is so worried about his parents.

I am absolutely raging. I'm constantly battling between wanting to help his parents (as they feel completely stuck) and wanting to scream at them for being so bloody stupid. I'm so upset that my husband is being treated this way by his family for doing everything right. I can't understand not treating your children equally in terms of money. His parents have always been very good to me and are lovely people, but this obvious favouritism makes me so angry.

He has had to come to the realisation that he won't be inheriting anything from his parents, and while we know that inheritance isn't a right, when your parents have had a very luxurious life, and given your brother half a million, I think it's not unreasonable to expect a little to come your way.

Does anyone have any practical advice for this difficult situation or do we have to accept my in-laws are ruined?

I'm not sure what you can do tbh. Your in laws obviously have mental capacity and have decided to give your BIL all of this money over the years. They should have put a stop to it a long time ago but they haven't. You can't force them to stop giving your BIL money and if they make themselves penniless in the process then that is entirely their own fault. I'm assuming your DH has brought this up with them over the years and has advised them to stop giving your BIL any more money but they have ignored him.

My advice would be for you and your DH to accept that you won't be getting any inheritance or money in any way from your in laws, and concentrate on looking after your own finances and ensuring your own children are taken care of.

If I was in your position I would be distancing myself from your BIL and in laws as much as possible. I'm not sure I could stand the complete favouritism and financial unfairness from my parents towards my brother if I was in your DH's shoes.

The lost inheritance is the least of your problems. You'll probably end up having to support them.

Agree. Fingers crossed your inlaws dont give management of the inheritance to your husband when they pass.

I don’t think you can do anything other than protect your own assets and suggest your DH gets therapy.

a story about giving your kid everything they fail to thrive on their own. Too late to change it all now?

Why would OP and her DH support them?

Honestly, the burdens people put on millennials is insane.

I really resonate with this but sadly have no words of wisdom, in our similar situation I’ve come to realise all I can do is accept the situation and come to a form of peace with it, I can’t change it.

i really feel for you, it’s awful to have this in your family and to have to be a bystander.

I would be unable to keep quiet if my husband was being treated this way. I would really take issue with his parents and brother and make them see how unfair they have been. It may not resolve much but at least your husband will have had someone standing up for him

What a mess. I just want to point out that I don’t think this is favouritism though. I think they have been manipulated and bullied over many years.
What would BIL do if your DH spoke to him about this?

I see both sides. I feel for them but also see the unfairness. Have you been direct with them over this? They really need to just cut the BIL off before they lose their house although it is very late for doing that.

This is absolutely beyond the pale. You mention that inheritance isn't a right which is true, but given the circumstances I would 100% be fuming as well.

We have a similar scenario, but much less sums of money and he lives with PIL. I just distance myself from them, they will never listen or change unfortunately

But it will be the rest of the family that deals with the fallout when they pass and the house has to be sold to pay back the equity release and all other debts.

BIL will have nowhere to live, certainly won’t be opening any of our homes to him. Disaster waiting to happen

Really feel for you OP it’s so tough

Has your DH ever spoken to PIL about how he feels?

Sounds like they wont be much left to inherit tbh

You have 2 things going along side by side: concern that your in-laws are being exploited, and at the same time feeling personally affronted that your OH is not being treated fairly.
Both are real and valid concerns.
Sadly I do not think there is much you can do.
If you try and approach them about the financial vulnerability they are getting into you run the risk of being accused of being bitter and jealous because of the discrepancy in the way the two sons are being treated.
I honestly think you can only stand by and watch if they are of sound mind.

This is the unholy trinity - financial abuse plus elder abuse plus coercive control. And suicide threats to get his own way is a classic abuser's tactic.

Your husband should keep an eye on them - especially if there any signs of incapacity. Look at having their situation investigated.

Of course it's gambling.

You should all stop seeing their parents as The Inheritance, and wrangling over 'where it's going and who's getting what and it's not fair.' This is their safe old age at risk.

Look to a future created by yourselves, instead and not as great expectations drifting away - start working with your husband on building a business, savings, investments, pensions etc that are yours.

It's quite possible they may wind up dependent on your DH, with everything gone once BIL has milked the cash cow dry.

And stamp on any wavering by your husband should BIL try to leech off him - that's your money, too.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/financial-abuse/

They seem to be in a co-dependant relationship where they feel it is their responsibility to resolve the issue. Deep down they may not want to but don't know how to stop and are frightened of what may happen if they say no. Either that or they are frightened of him?.

Might either of those be the case OP?

This did actually come up in passing the other day when DH was on the phone with his mum. She implied that they couldn't rely on BIL to help them in their old age...I'm guessing because I'm female, that'll be my job....ha.

You could run the situation past a solicitor to see if they think your BIL is blackmailing them (threatening to kill himself if they don’t give him money) or being coercive. There may be a way to protect their money etc.

Can your DH have a conversation with his parents, perhaps by bringing up what their plans are once the money runs out if they keep giving their other DS huge sums of money?

Otherwise, prepare yourselves for both PIL and BIL to be tapping you for money once it all runs out and the house has to be sold to cover the equity release.

Yes, I think this is it. I believe he has been violent in the past (my husband remembers being chased with a cricket bat and the front door being smashed up as a teen). He's a nasty piece of work in my opinion and I've always felt very uncomfortable in his presence (which is, thankfully, not often).

My husband has tried talking to them about it, and we've both suggested options such as therapy (for everyone) and getting BIL to declare bankruptcy, but they seem hell bent on bankrupting themselves instead.

My husband has tried on multiple occasions to talk about the situation to his brother, but the excuses come thick and fast and then he just stops communicating (they haven't been in contact simce June). He told my in-laws that we'd cut him off, which just wasn't true.

Make it VERY clear to them that you won’t be helping anything to do with them and you and your husband won’t be housing them when they run out of money and they will have to go and live with bil at his flat!! They have you down as a back up plan so if you make it clear that’s not happening even if they are homeless then they may think about stopping giving bil money!

I don’t think it’s favouritism on their part. They are giving him more because he’s useless. That feels like favouritism but it isn’t. They probably just feel desperately worried for him.

that said, it’s an awful situation and essentially robbery of your DH and dc’s rightful and intended inheritance.

He's tried but they've completely put their heads in the sand. They are so exhausted with this situation I think they've just given up to be honest.

We don't have the funds for a solicitor but I wonder if we might be able to get some help from Citizen's Advice. It's just awful to have to sit on the sidelines and watch this unfold.

This link is really helpful, thank you so much.

you’ve said DH has spoken to them, but have you both sat in front of them and had a completely honest and frank conversation? They need to hear the hard truths.

From my own experience with my DF was somewhat similar and got worse over time. DB was very much the favoured child and received very substantial amounts of support during his lifetime. When DF got sick, he came to us. Saying quite explicitly that DB would not look after him [he was right of course]. So I had years of doing all the work and DF stopping for long periods. At the end of it all of course when dad died, I organised the funeral, but everything left was split "fairly" 50/50. I do not think in practice there is anything I could have done differently I am afraid. Speaking to DF would not have changed anything. Possibly I could have done nothing when DF was ill, but I could not have done that and I was aware DB would have done nothing for him, so I certainly would not have abandoned DF.