BIL is destroying his family

[GreenJazz]

I don't really know where to post this, but my husband and I need some direction or advice (and I need to rant!).

My husband's brother has been out of work for a decade and has been bankrolled by his parents since then. He is the kind of man who refuses to claim benefits and most jobs are 'beneath him'. He is unpleasant, rude, entitled and often treats his parents (especially his mum) dreadfully.

Now, due to selling the family business my in-laws were fairly well off (private schools for the children, early retirement, nice house, skiing holidays etc) but in recent years, they've become very anxious about money.

Around 3 years ago, he came to them and said he was in 70k of debt and needed help paying it off. We found out that they had to get equity release on their house to cover his debts.

In the last few days, it's come to light that they've given him another 140k (again from the equity in their home), so he has racked up 210k of debt in about 3/4 years. This is in addition to them giving him a sizeable amount to help him buy a flat, and a very generous inheritance from his grandparents (incidentally, a lot more than my husband's, due to the stock market at the time). They have taken him on holiday regularly in the past and paid for everything, whereas my husband hasn't been invited (at least as long as I've known him so over 11 years). Overall, he must've had over 500k since becoming an adult (he's now 40) and he has almost nothing to show for it. We don't know exactly where the money has gone, but he travels a lot and we think there's gambling involved too.

As you can imagine, my husband has been very hurt by this. All of his life he has had to put up with his brother demanding everything from his parents, his rude, entitled attitude and now the financial and emotional abuse of his parents. His brother has threatened to kill himself on a number of occasions in an effort to get his parents to lend him money, and promises to change etc but obviously, this doesn't happen. He says the world doesn't understand him etc etc but it's very difficult to feel much sympathy for someone so unbelievably difficult.

Of course, we understand that it is his parents' money and they can do with it what they like, but is there any way of protecting them from giving him more money? They're clearly terrified of him hurting himself, and my FIL confided to my husband recently that he only has about 3 years of his pension left because of this (he's currently 78 and in good physical health, apart from his very bad anxiety). I feel this behaviour is coercive and we want to try and help them as best we can.

For context, my BIL lives alone (no partner we know of) and has no children. My husband and I live in the south-east with 3 children. He has a good job and I also work part-time while my youngest is not yet school-age, and while we're comfortable enough, we do need to budget every month and have a lot of repairs to do on our house that will be difficult to find money for.

My husband has been very philosophical about the whole situation (he has grown up with being left out of holidays, outings etc), but even he has found it difficult not to be bitter and is so worried about his parents.

I am absolutely raging. I'm constantly battling between wanting to help his parents (as they feel completely stuck) and wanting to scream at them for being so bloody stupid. I'm so upset that my husband is being treated this way by his family for doing everything right. I can't understand not treating your children equally in terms of money. His parents have always been very good to me and are lovely people, but this obvious favouritism makes me so angry.

He has had to come to the realisation that he won't be inheriting anything from his parents, and while we know that inheritance isn't a right, when your parents have had a very luxurious life, and given your brother half a million, I think it's not unreasonable to expect a little to come your way.

Does anyone have any practical advice for this difficult situation or do we have to accept my in-laws are ruined?

I don't understand the ins and outs of these things, but would any of it come under deprivation of assets? If they'd been very well off, handed all their money to one DS and then needed council care? And what about tax implications if they die within the (I think it's seven) years of handing all this cash to their DS? Who pays that?

You need to make your husband aware that the minute he diverts your money from you and the children to his parents, it'll be divorce. You need to put protecting the care of your children above anything else - and if that means divorce to protect half the family assets, then so be it.

This

My parents were too egotistical to think they could do wrong. There's been all sorts of love conquers all crap wheeled out for Golden balls, not for the other two siblings who have to apparently stand on our own to feet.
What worked was pointing out GB hadn't been in touch, match their work ethic. Continuously let them down perhaps he'll change but he's nearly 50.
They then got angry.
Started to back off rather than 'if you are ever in trouble' type chat.
We're not out the woods but getting there

DH's sister is pulling a similar stunt. Apparently feeling dreadful that she needs the inheritance now for health reasons but living a Dubai, horsey, private school lifestyle.

So very common in our anecdotal world.

GO NC. Otherwise you soon will be destroyed financially too.

your in laws fucked up immensely here. The BIL dragged them down to it. Let them get ruined, sell the house and end up on benefits. Nothing else would help here.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoati warned dsis it could be seen as deprivation of assets which as an ex care home manager is fully aware of it. I think she thought dm would never go into a care home as she would look after her or her heart would pack up before she lost capacity but she is now in a care home i believe nhs continuous care so not self funded and as far as I am aware no financial assessment has been done

no idea if dsis will have to pay inheritance tax on all the amounts of money she’s had as she is the only executor of dm will not really where I wanted dm hard earned money to go but the evil side of me doesn’t want dsis to get away with all this.

@Fiftyandmei am sorry if you have been in a similar situation

I do class dm as a vulnerable person she is elderly poor mobility breathless due to heart failure deaf as a post so can’t use the phone easily and no idea how to use the internet

so dsis was financially abusive turning off paper statements on the banking app knowing dm had no way of knowing what was going on which was her transferring money to her own account poa wasn’t even registered on the account at that time the first example of financial abuse on age concern/ hourglass is restricting access to your accounts

that is just one example how everything came to light but me that is theft and financial abuse what followed was the isolation of dm from the rest of her family making her totally dependent on dsis even the first company dsis tried to use for the equity release reported their concerns to ss

maybe I did things the wrong way i reported to opg as i didn’t want to distress dm and didn’t want to report dsis to the police it took a year for opg to assign it to an investigator when dsis was reported to ss by the mortgage company and later me they reported it the police who advised me they will wait and see what opg findings are never heard anything since and ss couldn’t apparently deal with it while opg were and despite me claiming financial abuse rather than abuse of poa they can’t do anything

so I do feel they have passed the buck and have failed to protect a vulnerable adult

I actually think I started a thread a few years ago titled something along the lines dsis spending is ruining are family. Sad to report she has successfully ruined our family. Me and dsis are nc her choice she has ruined mine and my dc dm only gc with dm not seen dm for a year. Dh cousin there mums were twins but she is dsis best friends so no longer speaks to us her dc are similar age to mine and were close growing up now no longer speak family friends who were probably more dsis than mine but were there at dc birthday parties etc no longer speak to us and when I do see them look at me in disgust I have no idea what story dsis has told them but I can guarantee it’s not the truth

Thank you all for your messages, links and advice. We'll certainly be sitting the in-laws down to ask them the hard questions of how they intend to support themselves, and what they will do when BIL comes back for more. They're very good at avoiding difficult questions but I think it's time to push them. I think we'll research power of attorney too, as I understand there are different levels to this also.

We absolutely will not be using our money to help them as we have 3 children to raise and support, as well as saving for our own retirements (if that of course ever happens!!). My husband did float the idea of them living with us- we've also previously discussed my mum coming here too- but this is something I would struggle with (least of all because BIL would never be welcome here). We certainly don't have room for all 3!

Good luck OP. I think empowering them to see if differently might help. Domestic abuse / coercive control is not just between partners. The definition is many types of family relationship so they fit the definition.
Coercive control and financial abuse within domestic abuse doesn’t require a ‘vulnerability’ like safeguarding does. But it would take them to recognise it as such and do something about it. It’s worth them getting legal advice too. There is so much dodgy dealings with older people being coerced into giving away assets and money. Look up the BBC will detectives on BBC sounds pidcast …. It’s Shocking

My god I’d have to be held back with a sock shoved in my mouth. They should be ashamed of themselves. They’ve not only created a monster man-child totally incapable of taking responsibility for himself as money is handed to him so why bother working? But they’ve essentially stepped on your DH in order to do it. They’ve willingly handed over your DH’s inheritance to their favourite son so that he doesn’t have to work! Wow.

Another worry, is if they ever end up in care and have no funds left to cover it, this could be seen as a ‘Deprivation of Assets’ situation

Glad you and DH are going to have that hard discussion. It will be worth it whether they listen or not because you will know that, come what may, you have done all you can for this situation. In your position I would rather have my parents/iLs angry and not speaking to me because I told them the hard truth than sit by in silence and see them ruin themselves because I was too afraid to speak out.

...but this is something I would struggle with (least of all because BIL would never be welcome here)

This needs to be said in the discussion, too. They need to understand that (if this is a possibility) they should come live with you that BiL will never be welcome in your home.

Does your BIL have a gambling or drug addiction?

I am in this position - also with a brother with a gambling issue.

I am further down the line than you I suspect.

Your dh needs to go into therapy and figure out if he has been part of a black sheep/golden child family dynamic, and if that’s the case he needs to go low contact with his parents and no contact with his brother.

He needs to make it clear his parents can not rely on you both for old age care, that you have three children to support and jobs, that he fully expects Bil to step up, as he has the time. Then the a giant step back.

Yes it’s unfair re the inheritance but it’s life and many people do not have them. He has had the enormous privilege of private education, affluent childhood etc which is more than enough.

Stand back from this situation altogether. His parents are adults, they chose many years ago to bankroll their reckless son. You are not going to change it op. He is the golden child I suspect, and they will always support him.

Your dh needs to come to terms with this, and learn to accept he can not change it, but he can take a big step back from his parents and focus on his own family and himself. He can shape his future, his career and leave them to it. That is the most protective actin he can take.

It’s about time you both stoped seeing his parents as victims. They have literally chosen this for their family. Indulged their other son to a point of ruin. Step back and let them get on with it. Focus on your children.

And absolutely none of the grandparents move in! Ever. Just no op. This is not fair on your children at all. They are your priority.

Sorry for typos. It’s early!

I do wish we still had the laughing emoji. All you get from this is that ‘millennials’ suffer disproportionally….

Horrible, but I hope the links have been helpful, certainly useful information on there.

If you do consider contacting Adult Safeguarding, I think it’s a good idea as there will then be something on the record. My expectations of action or change from it would be low.

They have always chosen to fund him. It is not financial abuse.

Get from what, sorry? Do you think the PIL should be financially supported?

I think it might be worth your DH having a chat with a therapist to examine the family dynamics of his upbringing in a calm and dispassionate way. It might give him more insight into his parents' relationship with him, how they handled his brother etc. This might empower him not to get sucked into the dysfunctional relationship that exists between his parents and his brother.

What about if coercive control has been a factor? No one knows what pressure and manipulation has been at play.

this organisation is good

https://www.wearehourglass.org/

That’s not how I interpret the PP at all, no one is saying that the OP and her DH should support her PIL. They absolutely shouldn’t do this. The PP is simply saying that millennials aren’t under more pressure than previous generations to look after their parents in later life or when they’re in need. It’s a pressure that many of us feel.

And I don’t get the impression that the OP and her DH are millennials anyway.

I agree. The focus needs to be looking after your children and I am supporting mine through university. I refuse to refuse to fund my mother because of the financial decisions she made over the past 20 years, especially when it became clear that she was assuming that I was going to pick up the pieces financially as she got older. Anyway I am not paying for her utilities nor her cruises so that she can meet her friends a couple of times a week for pub lunches. She has spent loads on clothes and jewellery and treating friends to lunch - it’s all a pretence and I am not funding it.