That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

We have bailed out the the kids mum a few times now, I actually gave her my old car and we have paid for her dogs vets fees and various other unexpected expenses. The kids are all adults now, but my DH and I agree that if the kids are worrying about their mum, then it affects them and therefore if we can help we will. If you are an in a position to help, and it effects your husbands son, then as frustrating as it is, I would help her (BUT, wish a firm end date!)

Seriously, she is a pathetic freeloader and she’s had years to get her shit together.

Shouldn’t the maintenance money have been going directly to your DSS for the past 2 years since he went to university? Why is his mother getting anything paid towards her home still? I’m sorry for being stupid about this, but I genuinely don’t understand.

Not Uni, that’s not counted.

This. Ex is not responsible for providing the bio mother with a place to live. The "child" has been an adult for years.

'Bio mother'?! so, the mother then.
Some weird views on here that the father should not support his own offspring through uni if he can afford it, but that should fall on the mother

It may be that, given the cost of living, she's finding it hard to run her household with two mouths to feed and the cost of bills these days. Thats the case for many people whether they own a business or are employed! its not like employed=rich. A lot of people seem out of touch.

OP (who's not returning to the thread) I hope your DH recognises and acknowledges it if the mother of his child has done more than her fair share of parenting and everything that involves.

His DM asking for lump sins has put them in precarious situ. She needs to dig them out.

I'd tell her that and see what happens.

I would probably step in if I could afford it to prevent them losing the roof over tgeur heads but it would be a loan properly drawn up etc.

I have three adult dds. The eldest and youngest have always been good friends with each other and with her dad and me. The middle one, happily married with 3 grown-up DCs, all doing very well, has always been “difficult”, even as a small child. When her younger sister was born she announced, at the age of 8, that she had “middle child syndrome “. She was much more academic than her elder sister, who is very laid back and practical. She has always said catty things about her older sister and denigrates her nephews and niece, all of whom have great careers and happy lives with girlfriends and boyfriend. She’s even influenced her oldest son (adult) to copy her scathing, sarcastic attitude to his cousins and his older aunt. She’s upset my youngest dd many times by her unfeeling remarks. If I challenge her in any way, it ends in a furious row. Her dh always takes her part and has said unforgivable things to my youngest dd. She does visit us weekly (she lives very near us) for about an hour each time and sometimes brings expensive flowers which are lovely but I’d rather she brought nothing and I didn’t feel I’m always walking on eggshells with her.

All those saying he’s 20 so should support himself / contribute to his DMs home - have you any idea about university? He will be studying full time and can have a pt job but likely minimum wage. If he’s lucky that will pay his living expenses in term time but if he’s in halls he might have to leave in the holidays. His dm will need to keep a room for him to come home to even if he doesn’t use it term time. Hes about to go into his finals. Hardest six months of study and exams. If he increases his pt work hours now he risks his final degree result.
personally I found the three months between finishing uni and starting work the hardest financially of my life - working 2-3 part time jobs plus applying and interviewing for graduate posts, with all the uncertainty of where I was living and possibly moving city for each graduate post I tried for.

@museumum - but if the OP’s husband is supporting his own child, he will be paying for all his child’s expenses whilst in further education. His son need not return to his mother’s home in his final year, he can always stay in uni accommodation or (hopefully) go to his father’s home when he wants to, as long as his father is supporting him fully. I think the mother is taking the piss. The maintenance is not for her, it is for her child, who is now an adult, and she should have sorted herself out and seen this coming long ago.

We had this and there was no end in sight. It was just many, many years of poor money management.

We completely support DS financially through Uni and he hasn’t had a penny from his mother. Despite this and having had many years to prepare, she asked for maintenance to continue.

We’ve told DS it’s up to him to agree any contribution to food etc with her when he stays with her. But it’s pretty shameless, given that’s her only contribution to him for the last three years.

if the bio-mum is foisting her worries onto her kids instead of dealing with them privately, she's quite reprehensible. It's horrible when people use their children as sounding boards or dump their problems onto them. Don't reward that.

I think this is horrible - if the parents’ were still together, the child wouldn’t have to support their mother most likely. Would dad expect the kid to financially contribute to the household if the parents’ were still together??? If the answer to that is yes, dad should still pay some maintenance.

I would say that unless you are contributing towards payments to her, that you should leave it with your DH and his ex. If he is making payments from his own wages, and him extending the time he pays doesn’t impact your living standards, then it really is something he needs to discuss with her.

If she’s in so much financial difficulty that six to twelve months is going to be the difference between her keeping and losing the house, then I can’t see what difference it would make. What’s going to change in that time? Will she be knocking self employment on the head and getting a job with a wage high enough to pay the mortgage? Or is she thinking that her DS will be graduating in six months, he’ll be getting a job and then she can rely on him to pay the mortgage?

She appears to be living beyond her means and needs to downsize to a flat or somewhere where she can afford the monthly repayment. How many years have they been divorced? If it’s a good few years, then she doesn’t really have any excuse for not planning for this. If it’s only a year, and there she was thinking that keeping the house wouldn’t ever be something she’d need to worry about, then I’d have far more sympathy for her.

I think it very much depends on the circumstances. No, technically it’s not your problem. I’m presuming that the lump sums are what your DH would have paid for his share of putting him through uni? But it might be an idea to think very carefully about the practicalities of him graduating. Will he go to pieces if he’s worrying about his DM being homeless? Would you have him living with you until he gets a job? Or would you and your DH bypass DS’ mum and offer help with rent directly to your DSS until he’s got steady employment. And what sort of employment is he looking at here? Are we talking about him being offered prestigious graduate positions at high performing companies? Or is it more likely to be a job in the Co-op until he finds something? How long is support likely to be needed for? Will your DH let his DC suffer because of the poor financial planning of his mum?

Do people actually say 'bio mum' in real life? it makes it seem like theres a variety of types of mums, there isn't. There's just the kids mum.

He lived 50/50 between here and his mum, he gets an allowance from us and then it was agreed we’d still support them financially to avoid disruption during uni. She asked for the extra money to pay a large business debt, we obviously were sceptical but so much pressure and manipulation was heaped onto DH that we paid her a lump sum.
DSS can live with us full time, he is doing a gap year from August and has a deferred grad scheme sorted.
We both feel the support needs to stop, or it never will. There is no point drawing up a loan, she won’t stick to it.
She is in rented accommodation.
Our fear is either this disrupts His last few months of uni, or she’ll in some way stop him going travelling so he can work to support him.

Definitely time to walk away. DSS is an adult anyway now so he will surely be able to see how his Mum is manipulating things? You and DH have been way more generous than you needed to be.

He will have a home with you. She needs to fend for herself.

Big drip feed! In that case the mum would need to stay in the property till evicted so as to go on the council housing list, which could take months anyway. Sad for her and the DSS but not your financial responsibility.

But you had DSS 50:50 so legally no maintenance was due and your DH has been hugely generous already.

We both feel the support needs to stop, or it never will I agree with you. It sounds like there will always be a big debt or a financial crisis looming.

She is in rented accommodation Then she either needs to find another job or move somewhere cheaper, even if it’s not as nice. She can’t ponce off her son indefinitely. Is he supposed to live with her and pay the rent forever? What happens if he wants to buy somewhere? Or he meets someone he wants to move in with? Who will pay her rent then? The situation is unsustainable.

Our fear is either this disrupts His last few months of uni, or she’ll in some way stop him going travelling so he can work to support him I’d say that’s a very realistic fear. In your shoes, I’d send DH up to see him to talk to him about it, reassure him that he’ll always have a home with you, but that his mum must downsize to somewhere she can afford by herself or DS will find himself trapped and responsible for her forever, and that your DH is really concerned that DSS will be guilt tripped into giving up his life. I’d stay out of it if I were you, just so there can be no suggestion of second wife wanting to see first wife out on her ear, and because DSS is not going to want to hear any criticism of his mum by anyone else.

What a loser she sounds. Grifting off of everyone in sight. What is her line of "business," an MLM? If she needed a large lump sum loan it must not be profitable. Why can't she get out and get a job like everyone else?

Well, shes not your responsibility but it has become a problem.for you. Maybe a discussion with DSS before you decide? Its hard to make financial suggestions without more detail, especially about her business and the timefrane, previous payments etc, but I'd say she has had plenty of notice that the money is going to stop. Your worry seems to be more about the pressure she'd put on DDS, so, as I said, talj to him if you can.

It's an adoption term from America to refer to a woman who is the biological mother but has given up her parental rights and the child has an adoptive mother whom the child is brought up by, lives full time with etc. and in all respects other than biology the mother of the child.

Some step parents use "bio mum" to put the child's mother in her place, or because they genuinely don't understand, but it's misused in that context.

She asked for the extra money to pay a large business debt,

There's no way I would have paid this! Fine to support your child through university but why would you/DH pay his ex's debts?! How much was it?

If she can't afford her rent, she needs to downsize or work more-it's not your responsibility.

I do think you and your DH need to take a big hard look at your own mistakes here. Maintenance is for keeping the child. Your DH agreed to maintenance that continued until DSS left full time education and DSS doesn’t leave full time education until the summer.

It is regularly said that maintenance should never be spent on the mother or other non-related children, but on housing and keeping the child it is for, yet your DH (and I assume you) agreed to give exW a lump sum knowing she wouldn’t be spending it on DSS/his support but on supporting her failing business. That was a terrible decision.

Your DH agreed to pay maintenance until education finished. He should stick to that commitment he made to his child, his stupid decision to give this lump sum for a failing company shouldn’t effect this as both understood that lump sum wasn’t for DSS maintenance.

(the only way a lump sum instead of regular maintenance would be acceptable would be if DSS had gone to a uni in a different city and the lump sum was to pay for rent/uni halls for the year instead of monthly amounts. Only if it was a lump sum to cover DSSs needs not his mothers)