That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

Again, the elephant In the room is how did she end up in rented accommodation after the divorce?
How actually did that happen?
Given the age of the child gives me a rough indication as to when they were married and when they started their lives together there should’ve been a property to split. Where is that? What happened? Give us some more detail surrounding the settlement. Never mind the bloody 50-50 split Maintainence.
What happened to the lump sum that your DH paid her?

20 year olds should be contributing.

They have him 50% of the time so every penny they have given to her was out of generosity not necessity. So no, they don’t have any obligation to pay a penny more. She needs to sort her life out.

Okay, so that isn’t true and it’s a myth that needs debunking just because the other parent has the child approximately 50-50 and it never is
Doesn’t mean to say that child Maintainence wouldn’t be owed

If the son is taking a gap year and will be living in the house as opposed to going travelling or whatever, then it is reasonable (but not an ideal situation) that he should contribute as 20 year olds eat a lot and use a lot of energy and water. If he is taking a gap year to save for uni then it's a shame if he has to use money to contribute so perhaps his dad should be thinking about that. He also may not want to live with you full time if he feels loyalty towards his mother - I don't think my children would do that.
I'm interested to know how much you will be supporting him throughout uni or if he will be using his mum's address in order to gain maximum eligibility to student maintenance loans to avoid you having to pay as much.

Sorry this isn’t true - 50/50 time does not mean you’ll never have to pay maintenance. The very fact this was agreed to go up until DSS leaves all forms of full time education, not just 18/school, suggests this was part of a divorce settlement.

But generally, 50/50 means no maintenance, noting there are some exceptions

That is not what the OP said. She stated "The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)"
People have invented the "until the end of full time education" narrative. Since the son is at university and is 20 yrs old, there are no legal obligations to pay in respect of child maintenance anyway. It could well be a divorce agreement but that doesn't give the Ex the right change the agreement with a month to go.

Then @heavenknowneeds to come back and confirm, I’d taken it as the maintenance was supposed to go until the summer until a lump sum was negotiated in order to end the maintenance early. Why mention the lump sum for her business at all if the agreement was only ever until Christmas 25? (There’s no reason for this to have been the point maintenance ended, it usually ends at 18, or when child leaves school or when child finishes full time education, it was clearly a renegotiation to get the lump sum.)

I’m presuming that The OP is the second wife and therefore she’s probably got no clue what the real settlement was. Or the reason why, she’s just got her new husband’s version of events.

Absolutely not yours or your DH's problem. Time for DSS's mum to stand on her own two feet and either get a job with a proper income or sell up and live somewhere she can afford.

I would say, not your problem. She should pick it up with the bank. Editing as I realised you say she is in rented accommodation. She should speak with her landlord. Sounds like she has mismanaged her finances and using you as the cash cow. It would be a flat no from me.

Legally, your other half doesn't have to support his son through uni- my husband didn't. It isn't his responsibility to pay his ex's mortgage/rent either. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Well isn't your husband a prize?

Not supporting an ex spouse once the children are 18 is completely legitimate, but regardless of legality only an absolutely shitty parent washes their hands of supporting their child when they go to university at 18.

I would be inclined to extend payments for 6 months as a gesture of good will so the lad doesn’t have the stress while completing his degree. Maybe not fair on you but his wellbeing has to be the priority.

He didn't help his own son while he was studying full time? While clearly in a position to do so? (And he was, instead of child support, he could have given his son a top up on his student loans, etc)

What an arsehole.

He sounds lovely, as do you.

If it’s rented accommodation then I can’t see how 6-12months extra support is going to save her from losing the place. Her child is 20 so she should have already been making plans for increasing earnings or living in a place she can afford without CM. If you do help you’ll likely find she’ll be asking for it to continue on for even longer.

She does sound like a bit of a piss taker to be honest. I wouldn’t be giving her any money. She’s clearly taking advantage and grifting her way through life.

I love how people project their own insecurities on other people. Interesting assertion considering you know absolutely nothing yourself about what OP does or doesn’t know. Don’t assume everyone else has made such poor choices just because you have.

What? The average monthly mortgage payment is £1253. She would only need to work a total of 25 hrs a week at NMW to fully pay that, and that's assuming she has an average sized home and no other income. As a single person with an adult child, she doesn't need an average sized home and could downsize to somewhere cheaper.

YANBU.

It sounds like your husband has supported his first wife enough, to his credit. Yes he absolutely should continue to support his child through uni / provide a home for him until he moves out. But his ex wife’s finances are not his problem. She needs to consider options for working more hours or bringing in a higher income. Her child is an adult now and she is no longer restricted by childcare hours.

If your husband feels an iota of guilt he could propose paying for another 6 months but a gradual reduction each month, so if for example if he was paying £300 now he could pay £250 in January, £200 in February and so on until it goes down to nothing. Then the mum cannot argue it was a sudden drop. But you don’t have to do this. And you really have no reason to communicate with her now.

FWIW so you can understand where I’m coming from , I’m a single mum / “first wife”. When my marriage ended I got a better job with more hours and that was when my youngest child was in reception, AND I have the majority care of my children. I’m afraid hard choices have to be made in divorce and usually the same lifestyle cannot be maintained.

So you support dss, he can live where he chooses, hopefully he’ll be earning soon as you mention a deferred job. No more money should be going to his mum.

No I agree with this. The impact of splitting with a partner and being primary parent completely impacts you. Being the partner who leaves and doesn't have to worry about childcare the majority of the time gives a lot of freedom financially.

So even though DH has been paying maintenance, he's also been much more able to hold down a job, work overtime, consistently save etc etc. I'm not saying the mum shouldn't have been making plans, but to suggest that paying maintenance equates to an equal impact is wrong

Millions of single parents are in FT employment and earning a good living.