That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

Is she supporting dss financially? Is your dh supporting him directly? Or does he consider maintenance to be his contribution? What does he consider generous in terms of maintenance? A lot of men think if they pay anything it's generous!

Of course it’s literally nothing to do with you. She has had YEARS to make a plan for when the maintenance stops. It’s pathetic that she still wants to rely on her ex. As long as you still support the step son that’s all you need to do.

edited to add, you’ve already been very generous. We won’t be paying maintenance to the mum when ours go to uni. We will give them an allowance instead.

The young adult should be fully supported by both parents until they finish uni and are working .

So many people still commenting with zero details or context from the op who hasn’t bothered to come back.
what’s the point? Everyone is just projecting the missing details in one direction or the other.

@heavenknow will you be returning to the threads?

Pardon?

Would surely be better to give the money directly to DSS? If it's paying for him that's causing her issues then this will take off some of the pressure. If, however, she's just been coasting on the money and not got her ducks in a row then that's her issue.

Perhaps she needs to get a second job that isn't 'working for herself' if she can't afford her own home...

Can't a court make you pay until a certain age if they're in full time education?

This^

DH needs to house his DS if his ex can't.

Interested what would happen after 6 months though.
Is it she can't afford to fund DSS through uni AND pay rent/mortgage??
Personally I would (and do) continue to support my DC through uni and until they found a full time job.
That's the reality of parenting.
I don't know anyone IRL that's stopped supported their DC at 20.
So if an extra 6 months maintenance would give DSS stability and DH can afford it I'd do it. And I would support them beyond graduation until they found full time work too.

Where will dss live in Jan? If with you or got a job and paying rent etc his mum housing issue isn't your problem...mostly yanbu but more worried about dss

As he’s 20 and not a child, then surely he should be contributing to the home?

You have no idea what the womans circumstances are, you also don't know if her ex has been more than generous either, he could have been paying the bare minimum for all you know, and he's been legally obliged to financially contribute.

Yanbu. She has known for YEARS that this time would come and should have been more proactive. It's not realistic to continue working for yourself if you can't pay the bills without relying on an ex for money. What steps has she taken to be financially independent?

I would say the opposite, assuming the RP is female...as evidenced on this thread, the trend seems to be that the NRP has no obligation to continue to support but it's very very common now for children, albeit past 18-20 to still be living at home and at least somewhat dependant. Assuming that home is with the mother, why should that burden fall entirely on them simply? By all means pay it direct to the child who then can pay mum rent OR have the child live with the father but surely the scenario closest to reality and fairness is to recognise the RP is likely still bearing a significant financial cost for their joint child, plus quite likely still doing a lot of the practical and emotional heavy lifting of parenthood.

People always ask when should it end? Forever? What if the child is living at home at 30? I don't think it should be age based but circumstances based. In 2025 it is very hard to be independent before early twenties. It doesn't matter what posters did a generation ago, or if their child took a particular career route like teaching and maybe has their own flat / share at 22. For many on entry level jobs that won't be possible. Whilst a child still requires support, that should not fall on only one parent.

And where will they be living in the 22 weeks of holiday? And who is signing as guarantor for their student flat?

Nope. Higher education counts ( college courses until 19) , further education ( uni) does not.

With Their dad?

Yea up to 20 if they have to keep resitting level 3 qualifications

This. Ex is not responsible for providing the bio mother with a place to live. The "child" has been an adult for years.

If the woman has been indulging herself by running a "business" that is inadequate to support her, she needs to do as the rest of us do and get out and get a job.

If the current house or flat has to be sold because she cannot afford the mortgage, so be it. I hope ex is getting his share of the proceeds of any house sale, since he's been supporting the mortgage.

Your husband has been incredibly generous to keep paying child maintenance given that his son has reached the age of 20! Surely his ex can see this. Child maintenance shouldn't be relied on for paying her mortgage off. What was her plan for when maintenance stopped?

Also, why wasn't the maintenance paid directly to his son (when he turned 18) rather than the mother?

I keep reading this.. has he??
We don't know if he is contributing to anything for the son, other than this maintenance, or how much the 'generous' amount is. The fact that op hasn't been back suggests to me that he has probably used paying maintenance as a get out of supporting his son in any other way.
It would have been far better for everyone if he had contributed a fair percentage of his sons costs and allowed his son to be responsible for paying his mum rent etc. We also don't even know if the son is away at uni or living with his mother.
Too many unanswered questions to actually give a real response.

Yes I think it’s worth the OP clarifying exactly when the maintenance has ended.

You could be right - you could read the OP as the last lump sum is December which pays till the end of uni, but I didn’t interpret it that way because otherwise why would the OP mention DSS having 6 months of uni still.

Even if Dec is the funding cut off, as you suggest they could pay DSS rather than mum as an option with the expectation he pays board when he is there.

To be honest there’s still a lot of info that might influence this choice that we don’t know.

But broadly speaking my view is that maintenance should last until end of undergrad (so not postgrad studies) uni, paid to mum or to the child to reflect the fact they haven’t technically left home yet.

She has had years to plan for this, and i’d wonder what would change after 6 months. I’d ask, as if there was genuinely something that would be changing meaning she could keep the house, i’d consider it for 6 months max. Likelihood, she is delaying the inevitable. If she said she is downsizing as she cannot her house without maintenance and needed help until it was sold, then maybe. But unless she had a health issue or young DC, i’d expect her to get a second job. I’d ask to meet her to talk it through, him and her.