That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

Well, the money is supposed to be for him, not for her - so how is she going to lose her house? Basically you've been funding her. Sod that. Not your problem.

I'm guessing you're giving £1k a month +.

Honestly some people are beyond cheeky.

Big assumption that there was a property to split 20 years ago? Perhaps he didn’t buy his first place until later, or he’s living in the property OP owned/inherited.

Or maybe she did get some money and blew it on her business start up?

Not all men are bastards and shaft their exes. Even on MN.

Darling Step Son … like DIL us daughter in Law and SIL is son in law avd DS us darling daughter and DH us darling husband… and so on

Until he's fully independent though, they're kind of a package deal. Technically there's no reason why that should be the case, but when you factor in the human side of things, it is. DSS is unlikely to be OK with seeing his mum suffer.

Even if they're in full-time education? The DSS is at uni. How's he meant to be contributing when he's paying for his education?

Yes, but the mum has had to put a roof over their heads herself, since I doubt the maintenance was enough for the son and for housing, whereas the OP and her husband have had a joint income. Plus, the mum might have sacrificed earnings when having the DS, if she took time off work and was then a SAHM until her marriage ended.

ETA: Then there's the fact that the cost of living is horrendous these days and has been rising fast for quite a few years now. Did the husband increase his maintenance in line with inflation? It's hard to afford heating, lighting, housing, food, and other necessities these days for single people.

Then there's the fact that maintenance is to maintain the child, so it's an amount which covers things like food, clothes, activities. It's not an amount which covers the parent's expenses, and not things like the boiler breaking down, fixes for things that go wrong in the house, and all the other expenses of life.

She has been managing all this for a long time on one income, unlike the OP who is much luckier.

Yes, I think this is my thought.

If she has to downsize to save, where will the DSS stay?

It could be his own place, lots of students can't live home.

Or on the couch, lots do that too.

But if his dad can house him, it seems like he should.

Maybe DSS will have to get a job.

I'm amazed that men can wiggle out of CM that way so easily. I've lived in the US for quite some time, and in some states - not all - the non-resident parent, usually the dad, has to pay the CM or go to jail. Not having a job isn't an excuse. That's the way it should be.

Amazingly, they find a job, any job, and pay their CM instead of going to prison. Funny how that works.

Perhaps your DH should remind her that it will end in 12 months and ask her what her plans are. Universal credit? Second job? Full-time job if she only works part-time now? He should address it with her.

Why on earth should he address it with her? She’s presumably a sentient adult who knows that she, like all of us, is responsible for her own housing and livelihood.

I'm in a similar situation. My ds17 and dd20 at uni for another 2 year, da going next year. I've just been made redundant. Looking for a job - it's really hard. I have/had them 50/50 no maintenance, spousal for 5 years that's all which finished 4 years ago. He lives in a mansion drives a porche I live in a small terrace, drive and old banger... he wasn't honest. I'd already rationalised if I lose the house at least the children have him and a roof over their heads. I'd never ask / or expect anything from him. Certainly would not expect my children to support me. Hopefully it won't come to this 🙏

A woman expected to stand on her own 2 feet? that really is a novel idea but yes I agree with you

Yikes...she sounds like a user to me.
I wouldn't be paying her a penny. Your relationship is with the son and that's the only reason I presume you are still in contact. She's not family, nor a friend I presume. Hence no no no. She should ask her own family and friends to fund her. Or get a different job that does pay the bills.

"luckier"? Maybe he has made better decisions/ worked harder etc?The woman siunds like she is trying to run an unprofitable business and should either get a different job or a second job rather asking for money she isn't legally or morally entitled to.

Sorry what is DSS?

Sure, but you're talking in ideals. Real life rarely serves up ideal situations, so you're best off dealing with what is, rather than what should be. And the purpose would be to avoid the OP's current situation.

Dear Stepson.

It always makes me laugh when you hear male chauvinists whining about how their ex-wives took them to the cleaners and all that crap. Every single study and statistic on the subject shows that women's lifestyles take a serious nose-dive after divorce whereas men's stays the same or improves.

Sorry your ex lives such a vastly different lifestyle from you, the mother of his children. If I was a wealthy man, I couldn't do that. I would share a lot more, maybe not 50-50, but I wouldn't have her living in a small terrace and driving an old banger while I lived in a mansion and drove a Porsche. Why are people so mean to someone they once loved enough to pledge a lifetime with and made children with.

You don't know she isn't morally entitled to it. Maybe he encouraged her to follow her dreams and give up work to have their child while she tried to get her business off the ground same time, and maybe he shagged around and/or abused her in other ways until she couldn't stand it anymore, or maybe he left her for another woman. And maybe his maintenance wasn't generous at all. You really don't know. I would like to hear her side of the story. For all we know, the business debt was part his, if the business was something they used to run together. And I would be really interested to know if the maintenance rose in line with the horrendous cost of living rises in the last few years. I bet it didn't. It's probably worth two-thirds of what it was pre-Covid and Ukraine.

@SoftBalletShoes You have some valid points about SAHM’s and putting careers on the back burner to bring up children. The Mum in this instance only had one child with her ex though so unless their son had health problems that required extra care, she wasn’t at home taking care of young children over several years.

Tbh, it sounds as if running her own business isn’t generating enough income and she probably needs another job.

I would pay maintenance until your DSS has finished his uni.
Does he live with his mother while at uni?
It's not DSS's fault that his father gave a lump sum to his mother that was a payment NOT for DSS's maintenance.

Once DSS has finished uni, draw up a proper legal loan document and consult your accountant for any money your husband wants to loan to his ex. He has no legal reason to help her financially. Your husband could be well advised to give any money or loans directly to his son.

Overall I think you should stick to the agreed date. What conversations have you had with DSS about the fallout from this? He needs to understand that he has a home with you (I’m sure he does) and that his Mum does have options such as moving to a cheaper place - and that neither of you would expect him to support her. Making all that as explicit as possible would be good. I hope you don’t find that he’s already channelling money to her - you might do.

@SoftBalletShoes
They had 50:50 split of care so any maintenance was generous.If parents equally share care and cost of looking after the children, neither is liable to pay maintenance. He is not responsible for the choices she has made. To clarify I am in a similar position to her. My ex earns well himself and is coupled up with another good earner. I am single and on low income. The only time I got maintenance was a few months when he stopped doing 50:50 and I went through CMS as I had one child who was still in secondary school. I did not get anything for my student son as maintenance does not extend to university years. I think he would die laughing if I expected him to contribute to my cost of accommodation if I only had university aged children.

I think he would die laughing if I expected him to contribute to my cost of accommodation if I only had university aged children.

It should be illegal to post something like this without the Spiderman gif

Depending where you live a flat might cost more than a house. I live in an old 1900s 3 bed terrace because it was the cheapest property to buy in the area. A 2 bed flat is actually more as they are newer in our area. One neighbour decided to sell up and rent when they couldn’t afford mortgage payments as they get UC towards rent unlike mortgage.