That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

They are. They are still more than likely paying more money and making more sacrifices than those who are non-resident parents.

Mum wasn't the 'resident' parent, it was 50/50 shared care. In case anyone missed that.

She needed money to pay a “business debt”?

What does that have to do with her son or your DH, it’s totally unrelated?

It sounds as if your DH has already been very generous, it’s up to him if he wants to bail her out again but don’t be surprised if she comes back asking for more in the future.

Actually op can you tell us how long the arrangement has been 50/50?

True but that isn't the case here as the arrangement was 50/50 prior to Uni and the OP has said that the DSS can live with them full time.
The mother has had plenty of time to get herself into a position where she can pay her own rent without demanding more and more support from her ex husband and his new wife. They've already bailed her out in the past. She will just keep going if they continue to do so.

There’s something so cold about this thread, I honestly can’t put my finger on it but the general ‘she’s had enough now’ from a team of two just makes me feel sad. I hate that in life everyone must be perfect with money or ‘they’ll never learn’, hard not to guess there’s a cliche in this story somehow

I’d pay for six months until the dss finishes uni if she’s supporting him at all. Because otherwise you run the risk of her stopping supporting him and he suffers.

OP has said:

'He lived 50/50 between here and his mum, he gets an allowance from us and then it was agreed we’d still support them financially to avoid disruption during uni. She asked for the extra money to pay a large business debt, we obviously were sceptical but so much pressure and manipulation was heaped onto DH that we paid her a lump sum.'

As the custody arrangement were 50/50, the impact of having to find childcare would have been felt equally by both parents.

She is a fully grown adult. She’s had YEARS to prepare. She’s just a lazy scrounger!! Seriously. Do you also think it is someone else’s responsibility to pay for your life?!?!

MellowPinkDeer

I’m married with 4 kids and work full time so no, but if I got into difficulty I don’t know- it just all seems very ‘you’re done now’- I don’t know that they should have helped her so much in the first place to then pull it all back

When my kids went to uni their father supported them directly (and they had part-time jobs). Maintenance to me stopped when they left school.

And? Get a job like millions of other uni students🙄

At 20 she's lucky she's getting support at all especially with him being in uni. It normally stops at 18 well my ex stopped paying for his son at 18. (Was told by his mum in expecting the same with my girls)... But if they had an agreement and she's getting a lump sum, she should of prepared. Also at 20 he's old enough to get his own place or get a job and help towards bills

hell would literally freeze over before I would be desperate enough to rely on my ex. The women has no self respect and no shame.

It sounds like they were guilted and manipulated into the extra help.

I don't think its unreasonable to now pull back...whats the alternative? Forever be bank rolling her? There does come a time when an adult, who is not your dependent has to take responsibility for their own finances and the consequences that come with that.

Op and her husband have responsibility for the son, and have already said they will continue to support him. I think thats enough

Tbh he sounds a bit like a walkover ( the now husband ) . I wouldn’t have married a man like this! To guilt them into it now is so unreasonable. I hope the @heavenknowcomes back and realises it’s ok to say no!

This. Your DH's son will hate his father if his mother loses her house. No, it's not fair. Yes, she should have planned for this. But that's life. Your DH can be happy or he can be right. It is what it is.

I totally agree about the stress it would cause DSS to know his mother will lose her home.

Originally I was about to say yanbu but then I realised I'm missing context.

Is DSS mum paying for his uni and everything goes with it all on her own? If so, I absolutely think DH should be contributing to that. I mean, truly, DSS should be primarily supporting himself at this age but let's face it in today's economy a 20 year old would struggle to support himself through uni with parents help.

She’s known about this for how many years? If you can afford it I’d pay for the next 6 months so not to disrupt your dss, but once he’s off travelling I’d withdraw any further financial assistance. The trouble is she’ll do what she can to continue to receive financial assistance from your DH so don’t be surprised if she tries to pulp emotional manipulation in 6 months time

Come on op, stop being a pair of doormats.

You are not this woman's cash cow

Stress caused by, his mother and her lack of planning.

Providing his Dad is offering him a home with him he's doing his nit. He should have paid DS's directly instead of giving the money to his ex. She is an adult and will have to pay her own way or deal with the consequences.

She is an adult and that the maintenance was due to end is not a surprise - its been on the cards for years. So yes its on her. However for the sake of the son you could maybe take a graduated approach and say you would pay half the maintenance for a further 3 months so aid her transitioning and that gives her time to make arrangements for moving out or sorting something else out. Its not directly about her but about supporting your DSS who will be impacted by this

What’s DSS? Other than a government department?