To ask you what is the worst thing your MIL has done or said to you?

[IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour]

I’ll start. We lost a baby at 25 weeks pregnant, a little girl, the whole situation was awful. 6 months later I was pregnant with a little boy and we waited until 20+ weeks to tell anyone about him because we were nervous (understandably).

We phoned MIL on speaker phone to tell her our happy news about the new baby (we already had a son) and her first response was ‘well when am I going to get some granddaughters?’

There are many more examples but this really took the biscuit

Many of the examples here are terrible. My own MIL was emotionally abusive to her son. There's no bias there. It's fact. I gave one of my examples further up. I'll say it again here. She rang her son, my DH, for some non-urgent financial advice the day after we started medically aborting our 3rd pregnancy loss (ovarian ectopic). Complete disregard for anyone but herself. These types of examples aren't the normal navigating of different personalities.

My MIL was the most sanctimonious, judgemental, deeply unpleasant bitch I've ever known
She refused to come to our wedding, ostensibly because we 'humiliated' her by declining to use her suggested catering company for our reception (the hotel was catering) although in reality because she would refuse to come anyway due to a falling out with someone else we were inviting
My FIL told my to-be-wife point blank that if she did not withdraw the invite for X, her mother would never come
But while she obviously believed she was hurting us by refusing to attend, it was a much more relaxed, happy, joyful, and above all stress-free day

So your MIL was jealous that her sister lost her daughter and she would have loved to lose her own kids so she could inherit their money?

That would be the last time I every saw or spoke to her. She sounds like a fucking psychopath.

Not my MIL but my DM. Near Christmas and she’s an awful narcissist that I still haven’t cut off. Anyway: tried to sleep with DH when we just started going out. Showed him lots of naked pics of her at the dining room table in front of her flying monkeys. He was horrified. Gloated she was enjoying her beach holiday when our first baby was born 10 weeks premature. Sent people to my newly dead DF’s house to collect lots of his things but me and DH had to do all the post death paperwork with inheritance etc while she and her flying monkeys complained about us stealing (we didn’t need to). Awful. Will be thinking of everyone who deals with this shit (and much worse) this festive season. Cheers to us and our attempts at bringing up children with positive parents. Grey rock needs to become goodbye, I’m aware after reading my post. New Year’s resolution…

Nobody is saying there aren't bad DIL's, of course there are. This thread isn't about that though. These stories are not from jealous DIL's, some of them are absolutely disgraceful examples of what we have to put up with at times. Not just us, what our DH's have to put up with.

These MILs are vile hags though.

Presumably though you picked your dh on his values and morals, and him being a decent person. Who’s responsible for that? His parents, who clearly brought him up well. There are some awful examples on here of bad behaviour by Mils, but equally there’s some really petty shit. They’re not awful people because of being mils, they're awaful people anyway who just happen to be mils….

the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women and girls.

So we both agree on the definition.

But nobody is doing that here.

Nobody here is saying that women are awful.

Nobody has said that all MILs are problematic or have shown contempt for them as a general category of women.

I said in an earlier post that I know there are lots of brilliant MILs. I see my own mother as a brilliant MIL to my SIL, they are very close. The majority of women in my IRL friendship groups get on with their MIL.

Critiquing a behavioural pattern that clearly exists among some MILs that is not the same as hating women and girls.

You ask why we don’t see the same vitriol towards FILs, but by your definition that would be misandry, wouldn’t it?

Certainly in my experience, the contempt I receive from my MIL is grounded in her own internalised sexism. She’s spent a lifetime serving her husband and thinks that, because I don’t do the same, that makes me less of a woman and not good enough for her son.

To suggest women who behave like this are above criticism, simply because they are women, is ridiculous.

My Mil threatens to kill herself if things are not going her way or if she's not the centre of attention .
We've had years of this so I now just reply " Oh ok " .

but by your definition that would be misandry

yes it would, but that's not nearly as common as misogyny so we don't have that do we? Of course there are individual FILs who are awful, just as there are individual MILs who are awful. There are awful people of all categories. No one is saying you can't criticise the poor behaviour of individuals regardless of their identity category. What makes it prejudice/ bias/ hatred- is when you generalise across a category. So - tell me the awful things your MIL has done- that is misogyny.

DH has always felt like a bit of a black sheep in his family. His values are wildly different to those of his parents.

I’m not saying MIL was a bad parent. She got plenty right as a parent and also made plenty of mistakes, like we all do. Her behaviour towards me is something completely different though.

No, he learned his values and morals on his own, his parents have terrible values and morals. Years of emotional abuse from both of them - really awful people. Again, this isn't an attack on MIL's as a whole, as I've said I would absolutely love to have a lovely MIL, it's hard to make the decision to cut off family. But this space does help in seeing that you're not the only one having these struggles. I think it can be hard for people who have decent families tmans who are good MIL's to believe/understand how bad some families and MIL's can be.

You also see the misogynistic tropes propping up everywhere. Eg the post just above my last- "mil does x,y,z for attention".

So if someone starts a thread “tell me the awful things your teenager has done”, they must hate all teenagers?

If someone creates a thread “tell me the awful things your dog has done”, they hate all dogs?

I haven’t seen anyone on this thread generalise their experience across the whole category of MILs. It’s just people sharing their own experiences, which they are allowed to do.

I notice you haven’t commented on the internalised misogyny perpetuated by many of the MILs described in this thread, why is that?

My FIL was a spoiled brat who couldn’t hold his drink. He never once made a comment about my body, or my life, he was never critical of his GC. So there’s less to say.

Id say my MIL was jealous. She wanted DH home to herself. She also disliked the fact DH and I get on and we laugh a lot together. Her and FIL would hardly speak to each other. I used to think it was age but now I’m the same age as she was when I met her and it’s not that. So she took it out on me. In retrospect I’m not even sure she knew she was doing it as she always seemed surprised I didn’t want to come and stay all the time (it’s exhausting someone picking on you 24 hours a day) and now I see my BIL is exactly the same. Horrible to your face but then surprised you don’t want to see him/hang out.

So if someone starts a thread “tell me the awful things your teenager has done”, they must hate all teenagers?

Absolutely- that's a form of prejudice/ stereotyping. We see a lot of those against young people.

A lot of women (and men) have internalised misogyny. It's got nothing to do with whether they are a "MIL". DIL's and MIL's are equally capable of expressing internalised misogyny:

"Jealous" another misogynistic trope.

Three months after my daughter ( her granddaughter) died she asked me why I wasn’t back to work and if I “was I not over it yet?”

I'm a MIL and I don't take offence at any of these stories about how unkindly and abusively some MILs have behaved. Some of the stories are totally shocking, particularly the way some mums who had lost babies were treated by their MILs.

I have a magic formula to make sure that my DILs don't come on here to complain about me. I don't behave like a total psychopathic cunt.

There are many stories on the Relationships board about awful and abusive mums and even more about awful and abusive husbands and partners so it's certainly not true that only MILs are singled out for criticism.. If you find such threads upsetting, just don't read them or comment on them. They are very easy to avoid.

DIL's and MIL's are equally capable of expressing internalised misogyny.

Absolutely.

But this thread is about people's experiences with their MILs.

The idea that people who come here looking for solitary when experiencing difficulties with any group of people automatically translates to prejudice is bonkers. We might as well delete MN if thats the case!

Of course it's not bonkers to say that making generalisations about people across an identity category is prejudice- that's quite literally what it is.

we don't have to delete mumsnet to avoid being misogynistic/ prejudiced. For example, I could post for support about the awful behaviour of my "purple" neighbour. But if I started a thread - "tell me about the awful purple people you know", it would be racism.

Can you show me an example of where someone has made a generalisation across a category in this thread? Has anybody said, anywhere at all, that all MILs are problematic?

Being a MIL isn’t a protected characteristic anyway is it? Likening it to racism indeed…..!

@Livelovebehappy ..if my DH had the same values and morals and his parents I would never ever spoken to him in the first place !

I never knew people could be so shallow and materialistic until I met pils and yet I'd already met so many shallow and materialistic people

I just never knew how deep and mean it could go and they are vile to my DH because he doesn't fit with their ideals !

Unfortunately the mils that have issues seem to have them in the same way : burning jealously.