DD moved in with Ex full time, now her schedule seems dangerous

[Eradics]

DD is 12, she’s in Y7. My ex and I made the decision for her to stay with her dad during the week, her school is much closer to his. She comes home every other weekend but is welcome at anytime.
DD is extremely sporty, not really overly attached to one sport but enjoys engaging in lots of sports and tends to rotate summer and winter sports.

Her summer sports are Volleyball, Athletics and she has done a couple of surf camps in the summer holidays.
Winter she does Ice Skating, Gymnastics and she always goes skiing for a week in February, sometimes over new years with her dad too.
Year round she does tennis. I think her schedule currently is insane.

Right now

Tuesday and Thursday before school she has a private tennis lesson, Wednesday after school she goes to a tennis class at our gym, mainly just a chance to get some match play as she doesn’t want to compete. Monday and Friday after school she does gymnastics, it’s just a recreational class as again no intention to compete. Saturday morning she has ice skating. Sometimes she asks to go to the indoor snow slope nearby on the weekend too.
Summer is similar in terms of intensity.

When she lived with me full time I’d never have allowed sports basically every day, especially not as she doesn’t want to compete, I think rest and exploring other interests is important. She was learning to play piano but that seems to have dropped off in favour of sports.

AIBU to think this is too much and it needs to be managed better?

I can’t see any issue with her schedule however I do see an issue with how little time you have with her, is that your concern?

You’s be mad to discourage sport participation at this age because there’s often such a big drop off in the teen years for girls. Keep it going as long as you can! And she’ll make the best friends at sport so that’s already one of your wishes ticked off.

It sounds fine to me, I think it is better that she is not competing, that means she is doing it for fun. relaxation and fitness without the pressure from a coach that could lead to overdoing it and hurting herself. We are supposed to do exercise everyday the health people say. Andy why should she play piano if she doesn't like it, she's given it a go and not found it fun. This way she can concentrate on her schoolwork in the other 22 hours a day she isn't doing sport, and do sport to relax and have fun and socialise and get healthy and well.

That's a lot less time than a lot of younger kids spend in wrap around care. If she is happy, healthy and getting enough sleep she's fine.

I don't see an issue if she is happy with it all, is still in track with studies as well.
She will likely drop out some of them. Maybe she likes the social aspect of it.
Its much more than my kids could manage though. They need their down time but actively ask for days off.

I dont get why you are bothered about it. By the sounds of its what she wants and likes to do. Just because its not your cup of tea it doesnt mean there's something wrong. Some people have more energy than others. Replacing sports with piano if thats not something you want to do is ridiculous.

Also its great she doesnt do competitive sport. Its so much healthier to do sport activities because you simply enjoy doing it.

Oh yes, because it is SO easy to just sell up and move areas.

Also what is she meant to do with her other 2 kids!?

It is perfectly fine to live with your dad instead of your mum. Just because it's not the norm, doesn't make it wrong. And it sounds like the DD is happy with her dad.

OP, why are you so obcessed with it not being competitive? Why is that bothering you? Were you pressured to compete yourself by your parents? Was your upbringing oriented on getting best results in everything?

Thing is though my friends all do my hobbies, so that’s where we spend time together. Your DD could be the same.

I read when I get into bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

This!

why does it matter if she’s competing or not? She’s getting out the house and doing some exercise almost every day - some people just prefer being active?

I’d take swimming/cycling/running/gym/fell walking any day over a sedentary hobby.

They are not heavy impact sports, apart maybe the gymnastics, depending on what she is doing there. She is doing varied type of exercise which is giving her good all-round fitness while not overloading any particular group of muscles. In fact, cross-training in various sports used to be a core for training East German figureskaters back in the day.

Do you or did you do any sport yourself? Do/did you enjoy any physical activity?

In your shoes I would explore in therapy why its worrying you this much. There are likely to be underlying issues, either in your own childhood or in the family relationships.

I think if she's happy with it, it's fine - some kids just have a lot of energy, and its better that it's a mix of sports to prevent overuse injuries.

My DS1 (9) has a similar schedule- there's only one day a week he doesn't do a sport (he does chess club instead)

Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I did ballet twice a week, gymnastics twice a week, and guides once a week. Then when I was a bit older I went down to once a week gymnastics (as a helper) plus 1x ballet, 1x contemporary, 1x street jazz, 1x hip hop. With a quick mcdonalds in between in between street jazz and hip hop!

Blimey, what's wrong with kids doing sport every day?

I am middle age and I nearly manage to do something every day too (I would do more but the kids get in the way 😂)

People keep banging on how children should be out and about, run or cycle to school, run and climb trees and be active after school. It's far from possible in real life, but when they do a couple of hours of sport after (or before) school where they sit pretty much all day, it's too much?

Of course it's fine.

AS LONG AS the child is happy and not dragged crying to training, it's .. normal?

1 or 2 hours a day is not much at all, and well done to her if she cycles and is generally active every day. That really is normal. Kids with active parents do that without thinking.

She's lucky to have a great dad, doing nothing but screen, craft and pottering around every day is dangerous because it's unhealthy, claustrophobic and boring.

Sounds fine to me, I'd have absolutely loved that as a child/teen. I was up early before school to do our ponies and then after school as well, plus competitions at weekends and it hand on heart never did me any harm or was tiring or frustrating, even in winter. If you enjoy it, it's never a chore.
My ten year old niece does more hours in her chosen sports but to be fair she is competing so needs to be.

As long as it's what she wants and not what anyone else is forcing upon her then I don't see the problem. Yes you might do things differently and not allow her to do that much but that doesn't make what her Dad is allowing dangerous.

Not having a good local school doesn't seem like a strong reason for your daughter to move to her Dad's, and to stay with you every second weekend.

It's a huge change for both of you. She may be distracting herself from her feeling by keeping so busy, and she might be trying to do more stuff with her Dad, so Parkrun with him on top of her other sports, as she's now living with him. If her brothers are still living with you, she may be missing them a lot too. Her normal has changed, and it's still unusual for a mother to see her child every other weekend, so she may feel self-conscious among her friends.

Is there some way you can spend more time with her, and she can spend time in your home? If there really is no other school in commuting distance of your home, can you recolate?

Perhaps she has a great relationship with her Dad, and is flying and not missing you.

I'm a single parent, and quite possibly projecting, but my DD used to stay with her Dad every second weekend, and it would have been very hard for me, and I think her, if we flipped it to living with him, and staying with me every second weekend when she was a young teen (she's at uni now, sees him a couple of times a year).

How much say did she have in where she went to school and to go and live with her Dad? She may well be enjoying doing all the sport, but equally it may well be her way of proving she is as good as her brothers. It cannot have been easy for her to leave all her primary school friends behind and suddenly start living with her Dad full time. There is bound to be a part of her that feels she is lesser than her brothers as a result of this so trying to prove herself in other ways is by no means an unlikely outcome

I think I’m just worried as they are all pretty impact heavy sports, I don’t want her getting hurt.

This is actually pretty ignorant. If she’s being taught and coached appropriately, doing sport will actually protect her from injury. But what would I know - I spent my youth on the back of various horses. I think I still have all my limbs undamaged 40 years later.

Our bodies are meant to move. She’s building strength and confidence. This will really help her through puberty and adolescence and give her a healthy attitude to what her body can DO, not what it looks like.

But I wonder if your beef is actually with her father. This is your problem not your daughter’s. Just back off - if she’s enjoying herself, be pleased for her @Eradics

Poor girl.

It’s your job as her mother to understand her and nurture her interests.

And your repeated mention of “I can’t see the point if she’s not competing” is really telling. Poor girl.

Why dont you get a busy sporty life for yourself too.
Sports good for you.

An hour of daily sports activity is not overdoing it. Dangerous? Come on.

I think you're overly focused on the competition part. Private lessons for personal goals like improving her performance, I think that's great.

You want her to be like your older, more academically inclined children but she's not and you're unhappy about that. Step back. She's following her interests, not your other kids or what you want her to be doing.

Her dad is supportive and you need to change your tune a bit and accept your daughter for who she is.

For me, I would just be double checking with a physio or similar on how different sports might affect her development.

I did a lot of sport, dance and gymnastics. I have very high foot arches which created uneven pressure on my shins and wildly affected my knee positioning as I grew. This has now given me a lifetime of problems.

Having said that, this happened in the days where running distances for young people weren’t restricted and training practices in ballet were pretty brutal!

It sounds like she's enjoying it. If she's sporty two hours at gymnastics is probably what she needs after being in class all day at school. A lot of kids that age would just be on their phones all evening and I think your daughter sounds much healthier and happier that those kids. It is a shame she's quit piano though.

When she lived with me full time I’d never have allowed sports basically every day, especially not as she doesn’t want to compete

that is so sad, but also makes no sense.

WHY is the competition element better, or to be encouraged? Why would you allow her to do sport IF she was doing competition?

She's just enjoying herself now, having fun and being active. HOW can you not allow only 1 or 2 hours a day? It's nothing. She could be watching tv instead, how would that be better?

Limit the screens, and encourage her to do something else if you want, if she has tennis before school, she has the whole after shool to do music/ drama/ science or whatever club she could like., or just read her books in peace.

Remember OP this will all be building her confidence at a crucial time in her development.

My DD does a lot of sports she isn't that academic and sports gives her something she enjoys that she makes her feel good about herself what's not to love.

She's actually thinking sports science btec alongside a development team. If she hadn't found a love of sports she'd be pretty lost.