DD moved in with Ex full time, now her schedule seems dangerous

[Eradics]

DD is 12, she’s in Y7. My ex and I made the decision for her to stay with her dad during the week, her school is much closer to his. She comes home every other weekend but is welcome at anytime.
DD is extremely sporty, not really overly attached to one sport but enjoys engaging in lots of sports and tends to rotate summer and winter sports.

Her summer sports are Volleyball, Athletics and she has done a couple of surf camps in the summer holidays.
Winter she does Ice Skating, Gymnastics and she always goes skiing for a week in February, sometimes over new years with her dad too.
Year round she does tennis. I think her schedule currently is insane.

Right now

Tuesday and Thursday before school she has a private tennis lesson, Wednesday after school she goes to a tennis class at our gym, mainly just a chance to get some match play as she doesn’t want to compete. Monday and Friday after school she does gymnastics, it’s just a recreational class as again no intention to compete. Saturday morning she has ice skating. Sometimes she asks to go to the indoor snow slope nearby on the weekend too.
Summer is similar in terms of intensity.

When she lived with me full time I’d never have allowed sports basically every day, especially not as she doesn’t want to compete, I think rest and exploring other interests is important. She was learning to play piano but that seems to have dropped off in favour of sports.

AIBU to think this is too much and it needs to be managed better?

My sporty 13 year old's winter schedule is 3 x a week after school sport, 1 x evening sport, 1 x weekend training, 1 x gym and often a match too. In summer she has 2 additional evening trainings and more matches. She also has a lot of school sport and competes for the school in various competitions. So it doesn't sound too much to me.
What I do find unusual is the variety of sports and the not wanting to compete. All of the activities you've mentioned, except maybe volleyball, need commitment if you're going to excel at them and you get better by competing and testing yourself. It's great that your DD is clear that that's not what she wants, but it suggests to me that she's not yet found her passion and when she does, there might be less variety and she'll concentrate on that, whatever it may be.
In the meantime, as long as she's getting her homework done, enough sleep and eating well, she sounds fine to me, as long as it's all affordable.

She does see friends at some of the sports (gymnastics, athletics, volleyball and 1 of the tennis sessions), the other 2 tennis sessions are privates which DD really enjoys. Ice skating is an odd one, she did a programme for a while but now her dad and 2 other parents pay for the 3 girls to have lessons together just them with a private coach, lots of learning tricks these days, so that one is very much with friends.
Im probably worrying about nothing, it’s just tricky as when my boys started secondary school they were so tired in the evenings, DD couldn’t have more energy if she tried! She messaged me last night begging to go to the indoor slope on Sunday or if she could go ice skating on Sunday afternoon!

I think her passion sport is skiing but it’s hard to do that year round, and it’s very expensive. Tennis is a close second and she really enjoys ice skating.
She just isn’t massively competitive in general though and I think personality wise she’s unlikely to want to narrow down to one or two sports. She’s not someone who loves tennis or loves ice skating but someone who loves sports and being active. Even when it comes to TV she would rather watch football/rugby/golf/F1 than a random TV show, she just adores sports in general rather than a specific one.

But she is not her brothers? I assume she’s always enjoyed sport.
People are different. Kids are different.

She loves something. She does it without complaining.
Yet you have branded it dangerous. Said she likes ‘showing off’, doesn’t compete. You have told us apropos of nothing that she’s not academic and didn’t get into her brother’s schools.
But she finishes her homework. She has plenty of friends.

Clearly something else is going on. She moved out of your house at a very young age. Presumably her dad is happy to facilitate all this. Do you think she can sense that you disapprove of her?

If she is happy then let her be. I think it's lovely that this is all driven by her enjoyment of these activities and not tied to competition!

I had a lot of music activities and competitions growing up and I think the competing did do some longterm damage to my sense of self as I can't enjoy just "being" - I'm constantly in competition with myself and against others otherwise I feel a bit worthless/like I'm wasting time. I don't think it's a healthy mindset overall and am working on it. It also gave me a bit of a complex about failing (which impacted my ability to pick up new things and complete tasks that I couldn't execute perfectly).

It sounds like she gets lots of social time whilst at the lessons then. I’d of loved a lesson to learn ice skating tricks! FWIW I played tennis for years, paid for lessons etc and never played a match. I don’t have a competitive bone in my body and if would have ruined it for me.

My son has ADHD and I often wonder if my daughter has it too but is better at masking than my son. Her dance schedule definitely helps calm her down but she never stops bloody spinning, jumping and jiving all over the place, drives us abit mad if I’m honest!

She sounds great by the way, likes to keep things interesting, inclusive and fun with a mix of sporting activities. Likes to have fun playing tennis with her friend. Remember it’s not necessary to specialise, moving into adulthood with such broad sporting experience is a true asset. She clearly likes understanding technique and skill building foundations. Possibly because the boys are competitive academically, competitiveness is something she admires or values.

The other thing to consider is that she’s building strong healthy foundations in regards to bones and muscle. Hopefully sport will be a life long love which will stand her in good stead in the fight to avoid osteoporosis and functional movement failure in her 60s 70s.

Lots of other health benefits long term too - healthy visceral fat levels, blood pressure, stress relief, better mental health

Oh she absolutely is great, she is fascinated by the human body ands its capabilities. Loves watching sports, she can watch tennis and tell you exactly what type of serve the players have etc.
She always says she wants to study sports science when she is older.
She has always been very sporty just not that competitive. I think she is naturally much sportier than myself or her brothers.
She’s always keen to try new sports, even if she doesn’t love them she wants to give them a go. If she gets screen time it’s always spent watching sports.
She is a generalist by nature though as she does also love reading and music. I’m not saying she isn’t great I’m just worried as lots of her sports are impact heavy and I don’t want her to hurt herself.

She'll be fine. If she was a boy would you feel the same? She could have a very good career in sport without being a competitor. The sports she is playing are not the most likely to cause serious injury. For your sake I hope she doesn't take up rugby! 🤣

I think to many it’s sounds insane.

To others (me!) it won’t.

My ds is a swimmer. Many 12yo are doing 6 sessions a week by secondary school including mornings.

I always said as long as school work isn’t affected it’s fine for some children. Others couldn’t manage it.

My da is now 21 and still does 18 hours of swim training and 3 hours of gym a week. On top of that he has daily physio as he’s physically disabled.

Make sure she has a good visual planner so she can learn to plan her time well - and see this as a great life skill and learning about healthy lifestyle and a healthy balance.

I think sometimes being a generalist in sports is better long term. The reality is most kids aren’t going to go on and be pros. If you love sports for the sake of loving it, rather than being the best or for the glory of winning you are more likely to continue into adulthood.
My nephew loved every sport going, he did a degree in physiotherapy and now works with pro athletes. He was never the best at any sport but very good at all the sports he tried. Even now he picks up new sports super easily and gets joy from just trying them. He has gone on to run marathons, do the tough mudder infinity (30 miles of tough mudder I believe), and have a go at some extreme sports without finding it difficult.
Your DD sounds a bit like him, has she considered parkour? It sounds like a nice common ground of all the sports she enjoys.

She’s lucky her dad is willing to facilitate her interests so she can do her sport instead of sitting around the house! If she’s happy and healthy then what’s the real issue?

Your arguments for why this is not a healthy (let alone dangerous??) schedule do not seem well thought out.

She’s too busy but you want her to replace a sport with piano, giving her no extra time, presumably?
She’s too busy but that would be ok if she was competing?
She’s too busy, you’d rather she had more time to be bored.

All the while you say she’s happy and she gets her homework done.

I’d focus on supporting her if I was you, especially given you only see her EOW.

People should do at least an hour of sport a day. If she’s happy to do it, keeping up with homework, and is t feeling stressed or overpressured - leave her be.

You need to support her rather than try to hold her back.

DD1 had a similar schedule in year 7. This year we’ve reassessed what she want to do and she’s decided (for herself) to drop some times in favour of expanding others/trying a few new things.

She will need to reassess herself when it gets closer to year 10/11, and decide where her priorities lie, but for now she’s fine.

She’s being coached so will be taught safe techniques, observed and directed. Safety is such a high priority these days - risk assessments often weigh up frequency v severity. At least her sports activities are regular and not skydiving which frightens the pants off me. It’s natural to have the odd sporting injury but everything in life has a risk element … crossing the road, online gaming, using public transport. Learning how to recover post injury , build muscle to prevent reoccurrence is part of the journey.

Its likely she will move through her teens with a healthy sporty mindset, which possibly means she opts out of dabbling in hash, experimenting with alcohol, risk taking.

I think you need to dig deeper into your feelings here because the "danger" worry seems pretty flimsy. This is not an excessive amount of exercise, she's getting a variety of activity rather than overspecializing, it sounds entirely driven by what she finds intrinsically rewarding, and she's balancing school and social activities just fine.

Are you struggling with your DD very happily living most of the time with her dad and redirecting those feelings into this? Are you uncomfortable about the lack of control/input you have in her activities now? Are you wishing she was passionate about things that you can better connect with her through (especially when her dad seems to be able to connect via sports)?

To be fair the schedule sounds pretty normal if you have a super sporty child.
We have one that does football, athletics, swimming, Futsal and then Football again during the week and then Football matches over the weekend.
Added into that sports during the school day, after school ones before the evening ones starts, it’s full on.
I’ve tried to get our child to drop one or two but he really enjoys them all and asked if it was because of cost. When I said it wasn’t but I was worried he was doing too much he said he was absolutely fine.
His friends all do similar with schedules as he mixes with the sportier children.
My other child isn’t sporty at all so it did come as abit of a shock, when I spoke to his Grandparents about it they said children should be full of energy and that it was better then sitting around gaming, when I looked at it that way, I didn’t feel quite so worried.

This is a pretty common schedule for some of DD's dance school mates. Some are there everyday, then competition or performance (sometimes in community dance theatre two hours drive away so rehears etc.). DD is 9.

Then they have swimming or choir, or tennis before school, some do other weekend sports as well. The kids seem to thrive. It's the parents I'm in awe of - how do they manage it???

Once a week per sport?! 😂

Are you sure you’re not just a bit jealous of how well she’s coping at her dad’s house and away from you?

Because her schedule sounds absolutely fine and not remotely “dangerous”.

6 days a week of exercise is not insane or dangerous if it's what your DD wants to do. Many adults exercise a similar amount. Primary school and pre-school children would spend more time than that running around playing, climbing etc which probably wouldn't be as socially acceptable for a child in high school. I think you're overreacting and wanting to micromanage.

And I bet you wouldn’t be questioning it if she lived with you!
Let her enjoy her sports ffs, you sound like you’re trying to get at your ex via your poor dd who seems to be unable to do anything right in your eyes.
Pack it in ffs.

sounds fine to me OP. Not sure why you think once a week sports is enough - it’s not really. Everyone needs to be moving more and this is great for your DD’s mental and physical health and will set her up well for adulthood.

My DD’s schedule is similar and I admire her stamina. She’s 15 and doing PE GCSE so she has to do 3 sports just for that, and she also does another competitive sport in addition.

two things:
girls physical activity can really drop off after puberty so I would not be discouraging her to drop anything now, it might happen naturally in the next couple of years. I was aware of this so when my DD asked to take on another sport in year 9 I made it happen for her even though it was miles away from home and she’s continued in that.

secondly she’s made loads of friends through her main sport and this has been great during tricky teeenage friendship issues at school. It’s been great for her to have this outlet. Finally she also coaches in her sport now at her club and is getting paid, and loving it!

There are so many upsides to your DD’s sport.

I was also going to ask this but didn’t want to be accused of projecting!

You need to let her get on with it OP.