DD moved in with Ex full time, now her schedule seems dangerous

[Eradics]

DD is 12, she’s in Y7. My ex and I made the decision for her to stay with her dad during the week, her school is much closer to his. She comes home every other weekend but is welcome at anytime.
DD is extremely sporty, not really overly attached to one sport but enjoys engaging in lots of sports and tends to rotate summer and winter sports.

Her summer sports are Volleyball, Athletics and she has done a couple of surf camps in the summer holidays.
Winter she does Ice Skating, Gymnastics and she always goes skiing for a week in February, sometimes over new years with her dad too.
Year round she does tennis. I think her schedule currently is insane.

Right now

Tuesday and Thursday before school she has a private tennis lesson, Wednesday after school she goes to a tennis class at our gym, mainly just a chance to get some match play as she doesn’t want to compete. Monday and Friday after school she does gymnastics, it’s just a recreational class as again no intention to compete. Saturday morning she has ice skating. Sometimes she asks to go to the indoor snow slope nearby on the weekend too.
Summer is similar in terms of intensity.

When she lived with me full time I’d never have allowed sports basically every day, especially not as she doesn’t want to compete, I think rest and exploring other interests is important. She was learning to play piano but that seems to have dropped off in favour of sports.

AIBU to think this is too much and it needs to be managed better?

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I don't think there's any health risk at all in doing lots of physical activity, especially as it's so varied.

Is your concern due to you only seeing her every second weekend, so you're fixing your anxiety on the wrong thing? So instead of being anxious and sad that you're not having time with your daughter, you're focusing on the amount of sport she's doing.

It sounds like you could also be feeling excluded as sport is a her and her Dad thing, and it doesn't sound like you have raised it with him - my ex's view was that when my DS was with him (every second weekend) he was the parent and would make all decisions, perhaps your ex is similar.

Her school may be sporty, but she's not looking to specialise or become a pro, so she doesn't have to go there, why not go to a school that's local to you?

She can still do lots of sport, still do sports science at college - though in a more academic school she might get the grades have to have wider choices eg physio, medicine, biomechanical engineering etc.

I honestly don't understand what you're problem is. You're clearly just a non-sporty person who doesn't 'get' what she gets out of this (just as some sporty people can't understand people who don't enjoy it).

What she is doing is so much more healthy, both physically and socially, than what most 12 year old are doing (and I'm not even sporty myself). I loved the pleasure and the skills that my eldest got from it during her childhood/teens, and was really proud of her. Now that she's in her late 30s and in a very stressful job, playing her favourite team sport every week (plus training) really helps her to de-stress.

She didn’t pass the 11+ for any of the schools we applied to, her school isn’t massively sporty, it’s a very normal independent non-selective, still gets good grades. Near me there aren’t any good options that don’t require passing the 11+.

This!!! Maybe this is why she is with ex full time and not you

I think it’s a key age where it’s important to keep doing sport. Many girls drop out of sport at this time and it’s great to be fit and healthy.
If she’s happy and enjoying it there’s no harm in containing. As others have said nearer GCSEs she may want to cut back but it’s great for mental and physical health.

As long as the activities are driven by your daughter, she's not tired and most importantly her school work isn't suffering, then I don't see an issue. Her schedule is likely to need to be tweaked as she becomes older and her homework increases (which it will!) and revision is needed.

My 6yr old does 6 hours of sports a week and one drama lesson, she’s pretty happy tbh and it suits her as an active person. As she gets older I imagine that may increase. I would say with any sport though once a week is not going to be enough to build competence.

On paper it can look a lot but she sounds happy and thats what matters. Because she’s not doing any of this stuff competitively she’s less at risk of burn out.

Honestly this all sounds fine, she’s lucky she has parents who have the finances/time to facilitate this. If you tried to reduce it would it make her unhappy? Thats the bar really. If it’s not impacting her schoolwork and she’s happier doing it than not doing it then leave her be.

She’s a 12-year-old playing sport for fun, not Emma Radacanu. If she gets an injury she’ll have a couple of weeks off and be perfectly fine. All kids hurt themselves sometimes and it’s of no consequence.

You’re massively overthinking this. Multiple people on this thread have told you that your DD’s sportiness is fine and you just keep looking for reasons to object.

To me, this whole thing reads as if you have subconscious anxieties about the fact that your DD is so different from you and has chosen to live with her father rather than you. Subconsciously you’re scared that you’re losing her and that she’s closer to her dad, and it’s bothering you that you no longer have the same control/input as a parent that you used to have. You’re channelling that anxiety into fretting obsessively over her hobbies.

This isn’t dangerous- it’s what she wants to do and I’m sure she would say otherwise if it wasn’t. I have a child who has a similar schedule but it’s self-dictated. I am just the taxi driver!

She sounds fantastic - and v sensible avoiding the competitive aspects, if that's how she feels

In teen years they - the competitions - are full of wannabe professionals and their parents pursuing their dreams and hopes and can be very intense. For a few they are life-changing and lead to competitive careers but for many they are an expensive merry-go-round of long days and nearly moments .

If she's doing sport for the love of the sports, and the friendships she has there, and can balance school work with a busy life with lots of healthy activities and has made that decision for herself, then hats off to her.

I think this post says a lot that you might want to think about. That she didn’t pass the 11+ but your sons did - what was that like for her, for you? What were you like as a 12 year old girl, were you academic and do you think that you expected a DD like you? Also that she is further away from you than your sons - how far away is her school from you? And you only see her every other weekend. So she is closer to dad (geographically, in terms of time spent with him, in terms of interests?).
I wonder if there is a part of you that adores her and another part which may have wanted her to be different, more academic? More competitive? More like your sons? It’s important to recognise this stuff so that we don’t act it out. My DD is soooo different to me - that has taken some adjustment!!
Also can you go ice skating/ skiing/ play tennis with her…. I wonder if that could be a lovely way to connect? X

As long as she is driving this I don’t see the problem. It’s only an issue if she doesn’t want to.

These will probably start dropping off a bit as she gets older. My dd had lots of out of school activities round that age, but then as she got into mid teens, wanted to spend more time doing stuff with friends. Year 7, ballet, gymnastics, modern dance, piano. Year 9 just the gymnastics, and only because her close friends were doing it.

Ever thought why she is so energetic and your sons are exhausted in the evening. Exercise works this way. I wouldn't see an issue what so ever. It will naturally reduce as she gets older anyway. I know comparing is not what you are asking about, but there really are things that are genuine worries at that age for our children and this doesn't seem like one to me. She's obviously different to your other two, but these differences are really positive. I wouldn't see that there is little desire to compete as an issue either. If she enjoys these activities just for the pure enjoyment, then good on her.

I mean I'm exhausted just READING it but if she's enjoying it and they are genuine hobbies and not ways of punishing herself - fair play to her.

What are you actually worried about?

I mean this as a genuine question. Can you articulate what your fear is? An extreme injury? No friends? Flunking GCSEs and not have a future?

Forget ideal, and what she ‘should’ be doing. What’s dangerous about this situation?

You should try having horses. Now that’s an insane schedule.

This sounds totally lovely - assuming you can afford it and have the time to drive her around. Otherwise she’d just be sat on her phone as her friends are probably super busy types as well. I actually think it’s wonderful that she doesn’t want to compete and just enjoys moving her body in many varied ways - what a brilliant thing to do without constant external inputs. Exercise doesn’t have to be ‘worth it’.

my daughter does dance almost every day and the only reason she’s not dancing more often is that we can’t afford it. I think it’s great that she’s busy and can’t see much to encourage her to stop when I see the teenagers wandering around in town.

That’s a very hurtful comment IMHO.

I don’t see a problem unless you feel it’s entering into compulsive exercise territory, or she’s not eating enough to be sustaining that level of activity.
But there’s nothing in your post suggesting that’s the case, so I’d have no issue with it at her age, she just really likes sports 🤷‍♀️

Personally, it's not her schedule which would bother me it's not seeing her. I would be selling my house and buying much closer to school and getting her back. I would not allow this to continue for much longer. You need to hold onto your daughter, you really do. She is the most precious thing in the world and you cannot just allow her to live with her dad, because of location. You only have her for another six years and then she will be gone.

Sounds great to me. She is exercising for enjoyment rather than competitively. She also sounds sensible enough to organise her life. I'd leave well alone!

Is she unhappy?
Is she being forced to do these sports by her father living vicariously through her?
Is her school work being affected negatively by her busy schedule?

If you answer yes to any of these questions then I would intervene. If not, let her continue this life for as long as she is happy and its affordable/realistic for you as parents to accommodate.
Children change very quickly in their teens so next year, it might tail off a bit.

That’s nothing! My DD was doing more than that at her age. On a Monday she did trampolining, netball, piano and scouts! Never did her any harm. If she’s happy leave her be.