Cringing at DDs behaviour, asking her to stop sending the videos to the family GC

[Reoile]

We have a massive family group chat, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. It’s pretty active and it is used as a supplement to social media for the most part, so imagine a lot of the things people might share on social media but in the group chat.

My DD is 25, she’s recently started dating a guy who 30 and he earns incredibly well. As such DD is now getting spoiled. I cannot help but cringe at all the “look at my new Hermes bag” posts or her out on boat days just acting a bit of a fool, popping champagne in clubs etc. I appreciate she is happy but it just comes across very cringey.
I know the rest of the family feel the same, it’s also very much openly assumed that she will be using cocaine in her new found circle.

WIBU to tell her to maybe not send these into the group chat as whether it’s fair or not the family are judging?

When your own mother starts an AIBU mumsnet thread about you, and reveals lots of outing and derogatory detail about you…. Well, who needs enemies

Are you joking? The whole family is openly slagging off OP's DD to her face? And OP doesn't look to be defending her at all either,

They do all sound like horrible people

It is pretty harmless behaviour in the scheme of things. A cousin of mine likes to share her luxury trips/lifestyle - I'm neither impressed nor annoyed by it.

I don't think you are jealous, just a little embarassed by it all - but she is an adult in her own right and should be left to manage her communications / relationship with the rest of the family.

As long as her posts aren't truly offensive (and a new Hermes bag doesn't fall in this category) - I'd leave her to post what she wants. If any family members mention anything to you, just smile wryly and say something like 'oh well, it's good she's having fun'.

Yes! And the rest of the family all openly being bitchy and grudging about the DD to the OP?

Agreed. Awful. Oh and I would be defending my daughter, not slagging her off too.

Well if I thought my daughter was using drugs I would be so sad for her and would try to help her. I wouldn't be bitching about her with the rest of the family. The other stuff I wouldn't mind as she is young and enjoying her life.

I am shocked you and your family are not happy for your DD. It sounds like she has found a lovely man who is well off and all you can do is call it “cringe” and speculate that she is using coke. I feel sorry for her to have family that wants to take her down a peg or two because they can’t stand to see her being successful and happy in life.

Huh, I’d say her family needs to grow up emotionally. At around age 9 you understand that little Sally next door gets better Christmas presents because her parents are better off. Adults should know life isn’t fair and not feel a need to slag off the one member doing well in life.

Well my child would npt be impressed like that, the whole thing sounds a mess

Red flags term is overused on here but I do find it creepy when people buy affection like that and no before anyone bleats jealousy it is genuinely not i would find it suffocating

I think it’s really really mean to see her as “cringe”.

By all means say something like, “It’s so lovely that you are having the time of your life and your BF is spoiling you, but Aunty Betty and Cousin Dave are really struggling financially right now so maybe save that stuff for your TikTok for now or just send it to me and Dad”?

Just FYI I run in these circles thanks to extremely wealthy in laws and am also at the F1. Never done cocaine in my life. The cousins pointing it out will also have “run in cocaine circles” if they have ever been to any sort of nightclub in any city in the UK ever. Cocaine is not a London rich people thing, it’s an all sort of people thing.

Are you concerned for your daughter's wellbeing OP or what your wider family think of her?

I get this from your point of view. It can be hard to watch our children make choices that we don't consider wise or make us cringe. I'd have a quiet, fairly direct word with her (when she isn't high if you think that is an issue) - tell her how this might come across to the family and say what you think they might be saying about her. I think young people sometimes do need firm face to face feedback from a loving parent (rather than being told that everyone is jealous or some such) and I give it to my children. Most friends and relatives will avoid that level of directness and talk behind her back. If she ignores your advice, love her anyway and tell her you'll be there for her however this plays out but that you think she is making a mistake. Ultimately, she is well into adulthood and she will have to live with the consequences should there be any. I get it though, it's tough!

I think your family is massively jealous. And, I think, this is the exact reaction she is after!!!

I know the rest of the family feel the same, it’s also very much openly assumed that she will be using cocaine in her new found circle.

Sorry, your family are openly speculating that your daughter is using Class A drugs? .

What do you say to them when they do this?

It does sound cringey and If I was in that group I wound not respond to any of those posts. Then again I have no interest in Hermes bags or the like. Why is it assumed she is taking cocaine ? This would worry me more than the silly posts. Whether or not I said anything would depend on how close I was with my daughter and how likely it is that this would highly offend her.

You should be happy for her. This reeks of jealousy. We struggle financially and I still am happy when my friends post what they are doing or what they've bought into our group, even if I can't afford that. As others have said its a horrible opinion to have of your daughter.

Aside from that.... If you want her to stop, presumably nobody else in the group will be allowed post nice things they are doing so does the group just become a dumping ground for misery then!? Where do you draw the line?

I think it would all depend on how she engages with the chat otherwise. If she's an active participant and posts other stuff I'd shrug it off. If she only posts these videos (which do sound very cringey) I'd probably tell her to pack it in.

Start sending photos from Wetherspoons and photos of 2nd hand non-designer bags saying “just picked this little number up from Oxfam shop, bargain ! “

Simple,have a word with her, tell her you’re happy for her but it looks a bit braggy posting it on the chat. I doubt she will touch drugs if you brought her up right.

Your dd is not you. She is another adult. You should respect her and accept her. She can choose to interact with the family in her own way, without being judged and policed by you.

What positive impact do you think that telling her ‘your whole extended family are mocking you and judging you’ can have, on either her self esteem or your relationship?

Do you have smaller family group chats? I'm on about five family group chats and post appropriately so only those that will be delighted and proud get the posts about my DCs academic successes whereas the biggest group gets e.g. photos when we meet up. So your DD might only post to a smaller group that she's got a new designer bag.

And note the sly passive voice. Assumed by whom, pray? The entire family, or just you? Or just by the nastiest relative you possess, who is thus making you personally nervous?

Sometimes you really have to let people make a fool of themselves. She's 25. You can't police her behaviour, this is an adult making cringey adult choices.

Of course you all have the choice to respond with eyeroll emojis or ignore it completely. I'd go with that personally.

I would have a word about not putting so much bragging stuff in the family chat and maybe leave it for insta. However I think your assumptions about cocaine is a leap and it doesn’t sound like you k ow your DD at all. My DD is doing very well in her career and has met a bf who is a high earner too .They do lovely things but only share with our immediate family WhatsApp not the wider family group.

Yes, I wonder which family WhatsApp group that's being discussed on?!

So, noone's reaching out to her, concerned about potential drug use, they're just bitching? Nice family. As her Mum, shouldn't you be shutting that shit down, not worrying about the bloody cringe factor?