A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

This would be a huge red flag for me, no matter what excuse he gives. I’ve seen the impact firsthand, a friend who trusted her partner’s explanation, only for him to treat her children the same way. She seemed to think he would be different with her/ her children.

The lesson here is that how a man treats his child is always revealing—chances are, he would treat your children in the same way.

I have a long term colleague who first discussed not seeing his the 9 year old son 8 years ago.
At first it all seemed very plausible, geography, ex was a nutter, he wanted to but couldn't. He'd flesh out a hands on parenting story about football but it was a bit thin and repeated.
I think as my kids got older and this guy's story didn't really change. The ex was still a nutter but apparently ok to parent his child, he'd see them next summer but it fell through. They'd move to this area but then they didn't.
Eight years have now gone by, the kid is now an adult, no dad for the whole of his teen years and I just think my colleague is selfish, spineless and probably too self centred to want a child in his life at all.

Occasionally he has a relationship with women with children but always fizzles out, particularly if they don't have free weekends.

Run

On one hand I agree with you. But, and now I haven't fact checked this entirely, but at least some of this seems to be factual.

If I was married to another woman, I would have PR for any child that she conceived during our marriage if she named me as the other parent. That's something she could do without my presence.

The things I am iffy about is whether she could go and have IVF where I am named as the other parent on medical records without me being there and signing papers before the embryo transfer or IUI.

I am also fairly sure, but not totally sure, this would be the case if she conceived in other ways without medical assistance. From the face of it, it seems as if you can name your spouse as the other parent, regardless of gender, without them there.

I don't know how I would feel about becoming a parent that way and I think that compares to a case where the pregnancy was unplanned in a heterosexual relationship but the woman goes ahead with it. I don't know I'd just want to continue my marriage and accept being a parent with grace. I don't know that I could.

I say this specific scenario because the US basketball player who was imprisoned in Russia for cannabis possession had a situation like this with an ex wife of hers. I looked into it a bit at the time.

Why is having a baby adopted by a stranger better than a mother keeping her own baby and the father accepting her request that he stay out of her and her baby’s lives? I fail to see why adoption is morally superior to leaving a child with a mother you actually know and expect will be a good parent.

Is it, though? If a man absolutely doesn't want children and has taken precautions not to have them, is it really proof that he's not a good man if he chooses not to be a father.

A man can't abort an unwanted child, obviously. Yes, there's always a risk, of course, but it's all a bit forced-birth sounding to me. I don't know that there's any right answer here but I'm not sure I would jump immediately to him being a walking red flag. If a woman can decide whether or not to be a mother, what avenue does a man have to decide whether or not to be a father? Apart from absolute celibacy, of course!

Don’t be a fool. If a man tells you this the background is far murkier and complex.

Run

Does he pay maintenance?
Has she shown you all the court documents where he is fighting tooth and nail fir his child to have a right to a relationship with him? What was the court outcome?

Didn't OP say he didn't want a child?

But at the point that one of the parents wants an abortion and the other doesn’t, they should both have the same right to walk away from future financial and childcare responsibilities. When a pregnancy is discovered early enough, I don’t believe it is fair that one person can choose to absolve themselves from the financial responsibility and the other can’t.

I agree that NRPs should pay for their children, but I think resident parents should be expect to as well. The choice to have a child knowing that your sexual partner doesn’t want to be a parent is both a right and a responsibility that women hold.

I might have missed this, but have you asked if he pays child maintenance? Even if he didn't want the child, I would expect him to meet his financial obligations.

Maggies, yes. As i said, the child has the right to a relationship with her father.

He was willing to take the long term responsibility of abortion or adoption…

How beneficial would it be for an unwanted child to have a forced relationship with the person who didn't want them, though? I actually think that's probably crueler and a fast track to childhood trauma!

I’m going to go against others here after reading all your posts .

You say he said she wanted the baby but he did not. Was she aware that he was not going to be a part of the babies life?

When a woman doesn’t want a baby , everyone will rush to her defence and say she has the choice as it’s her body , regardless of how the man feels ( I am also pro choice btw ) so why can a man not decide he doesn’t want a baby ? Both parties are aware sex can lead to pregnancy , both are able to take precautions and know the implications if they do not . No one would expect a woman to go through with a pregnancy just because she didn’t take precautions. So , if he was clear , I wouldn’t write him off because of it.

However - I would think differently if he didn’t contribute ( unless she did not want anything from him ) . They both made the decision to take risks and get pregnant - either can make the choice to not want the pregnancy to continue but she shouldn’t be left struggling financially because of this.

First post nailed it.

Run.

Maggie I agree, but the question the op asks is would you run for the hills. Absolutely, if the father doesn't want a relationship, not even for the child's sake, hes a first class wanker, to be avoided at all costs.

celibacy or a vasectomy….no one forced him to get her pregnant

HUGE red flag 🚩 I say this as someone with a 13yo boy who hasn’t seen their dad (the dad’s choice) for 9 years and really struggles with this.
run away- fast

At risk of being flamed…..I never wanted children, so honestly couldn’t care less. I’d judge him on how he treated me.

A man can decide he doesn’t want a baby. He can have a vasectomy. He can use a condom properly. He can not have sex.

Run

I happen to think those are too extreme. It's like telling a woman who doesn't want children right now that she should have a hysterectomy or stay a virgin!

So he didn’t want to persue contact. No way i’d want a relationship with a man who couldn’t be bothered to get access to their child. No way.

The point is that it may well be a good line, a man who lies about this is likely to lie about anything.

The thing is, it doesn’t fit the rest of the picture you paint. And you should pay great attention to that

Everyone can seem nice!! I don’t understand why you need to ask - a man who has no contact with his own child is not worth getting to know. Just walk away.