How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

I don’t understand. Why aren’t the half siblings allowed to meet?

Christ, OP, that attitude really speaks volumes about your DH. I wouldn't trust him at all after that defence of his brother.

There's no way this is going to remain secret. How on earth does he expect your DC to not accidentally tell them? A PP is right that this is unlikely to last past the second party, so I would point that out to BIL (perhaps with a few other home truths). Them finding out from other people is certainly not going to make them hate him less!

Thanks @Arlanymor . You're right about ripples.

For various reasons, finding out later in life - when they were adults approaching middle age - made my family member's children feel very insecure. If only they had known sooner, it would have been easier. (My family member hadn't hidden anything from them - but they had never expected him to find his siblings, it seems.)

Your BIL is an utter disgrace but your not so 'D'H isn't much better. His brother has children by three different women who all soundreally damaged in different ways.

Your response to the suggestion (or really the demand) that you host two separate parties for all the family children to pander to your BIL and his ridiculous family situation should be an absolutely emphatic 'NO' and if your DH tries to pressure or force you into complying with his brother's request, I'd tell him that this could be the end of your marriage.

Your husband is an absolute knob head.

Taking this to the end eventually your DC will need to have two weddings? Nah! Do not indulge any further. Up to you to host one event if you wish. Up to your BIL to work out his own mess.

Wow. Your BIL is a total cunt.

6 kids with three different women and 2/3 of them don’t know about each other?

if this is real then your entire family is being unreasonable for facilitating this absolute arsehole.

To work out what's going on?

So BIL lives between the two mothers and is back and forth all the time.

OH doesn't tell me an awful lot but I read between the lines.
Personally I believe that BIL is still having sex with both of the women and they each believe that he is in an exclusive relationship with him.

He took himself, the twins and the mother on a cosy Xmas holiday last Xmas - OH was still claiming that they don't sleep together but then let it slip that she takes birth control as she dosent want any more kids.

He took them on holiday at Christmas and told the ex that he was going on holiday with my OH as she kept calling his mum Xmas Day who in turn asked me what was going on!
She still dosent know they went on holiday as a family.

She was also at the 40th birthday dinner this year with the twins and one of the older sons, the 10 and 14 year old were not invited.

It really is a shitshow and so many lies and I really have tried my best to keep my kids out of it but OH dosent see the logic or common sense as it's his brother.

I am going to decline the suggestion of a 2nd party and have strong words with him when he gets back.

These things always come out in the end.

This actually made me laugh (even though it's not a laughing matter) as it's the kind of thing that BIL would actually suggest. He 100% would ask this.

He probably will drag this on long as possible and I really think it's because he is in a relationship with both of them.

So BIL lives between the two mothers and is back and forth all the time.

So they must know what is going on?

Or where do they think he is when not with them?

Wow what a mess.

You said your OH gets nasty and defensive of his DB @jojobooh are you ok with him getting nasty with you?
Does he do it in front of your child/children?

Literally no words! And I'm sorry but in your position, I would be questioning my dh's morals as well. Blood isn't always thicker than water and this is just pure wrong on every level and the fact her doesn't see that objectively is highly concerning.

Surely you can’t have either pair of kids to a party as neither pair know and your DC may something??

Sorry I meant he lives in his own house in a town that is between the two mothers.
He turns his phone of when he with one of the mothers so the other dosent call.

@jojobooh I think it's worth reiterating that as bad as BIL and this mess is, your dh sounds absolutely vile and I'd be questioning if I wanted myself and my children around someone who's "nasty" in defense of his gross brother and the way he's messing around his children and these women.

Again - if your OH thinks mother of the middle two kids is so terrible, surely he condemns Dbro for still sleeping with her…?

I was also going to mention that you have, more than once, said your OH gets nasty when defending this shit show.
What does nasty look like?

I can't believe nobody has pointed out to BIL that this just isn't feasible long term!

Someone needs a vasectomy.

I completely agree, a first class shitshow.
I’d leave them to it, it’s utterly ridiculous, like something from Jeremy Kyle.

OH gets nasty in terms that he talks to me in quite a belittling way, patronises me and raises his voice.

He can actually be quite verbally abusive to me and has a really evil/bullying side to him.

Our relationship is far from ideal/perfect but that is a whole different thread.

I will be talking to him tonight when DC go to bed.

And it sounds like he thinks it’s pretty much part of having married and had children with Woman A, that regular geezers such as himself and his odious brother should get to shag around with Women B-Z as a matter of natural justice. As recompense for playing the marriage game.
(It’s hardly a new mindset, after all. We’d hoped men like these might have evolved a bit in recent decades; but no. Why would they, when others conspire to cover up their lousy misbehaviour?)
EDIT just read yr latest update. That settles it, in my mind.

In your place, OP, I’d be thinking very hard about my future, and more so my children’s, and reminding myself that I probably still have options if I act fast and discreetly enough.

You have one party. He can decide which kids are invited. If your dh is that concerned he can do the second party on his own

but long term dh and bil are not being fair to your kids who will be caught in the middle of some secret. Bil needs to come clean and the kids meet each other

Jesus. You have way bigger problems than a trigger-happy BIL. And your kids should have more of your concern than an army of nieces and nephews.