How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

What?! This is way more concerning than your original post @jojobooh !

I'm the one who said to them both "why can't all the kids come together"? And they both accused me "of playing God with the kids".

The only reason I don't think BIL don't want the kids to meet is because he is sleeping and having a relationship with both of them.

BIL is very blunt and if he wanted his kids to meet he is the type of person who would make it happen no matter what the mothers said.

I made a comment prior to reading this one, but it feels like emotional abuse runs in that families bloodline. You feel stuck in this and your partner is literally starting arguments with you over you disagreeing with something and he’s trying to manipulate you into being on his ‘side’. BIL literally playing victim after cheating and lying to his partner for years and facing the consequences of his actions - but hey HE is the victim and his ex is just ‘crazy’. These abusive men love to call their ex crazy and play victim themselves and unfortunately people believe this little act. I bet there’s so much more the ex SIL has been through from this man that none of you know about.

but from my perspective, your partner seems scary and the fact you can’t speak out without him turning it into an argument and invalidating how you feel and trying to make you out to be a problem for feeling that way. Please stay safe, because him speaking about his brother that way and seeing it as normal - how do we know that he wouldn’t do the same to you, or hasn’t done already?

Oh my goodness - so sorry to read your update. I agree, he is truly awful. I also think that you are right, that your BIL is trying to keep his cheating secret and so the kids have to suffer because he's a selfish wanker.

What's all this bollocks about happy families at 16? The eldest daughter is 16 in under two years isn't she? Does it have to wait until the twins are 16? That's not for another eleven years - by which time she will be 27!

All of this is utterly indefensible. I am so sorry that you are in the middle of it. This is honestly the type of thing that would cause me to leave a relationship if my partner genuinely thought it was fine to defend his brother like this and lie to innocent children.

Are they both off their heads? The ones playing god are the ones who are going to spend forever trying to prevent the children finding out. I truly hope they do hate him when the find out. They must both be idiots if they think this is never going to hit the fan. But what about you OP? Why do you even entertain this pair of halfwits?

Leave your horrible DH. That’s the only advice that matters. Get out of this circus.

What a trash family.

@jojobooh your DH sounds just as unhinged as his brother!

Personally I'd be telling him to play no part in this ridiculous situation or you'll leave.

I would accidentally get drunk next time the older two are round and let slip about the twins to them!

No good will come from this situation. Your DH and his brother are abusive arseholes.

What’s their dad like (grandpa)?

Unfortunately their dad passed away 5 years ago during Covid.

He left when OH was 18 month old and their mom was pregnant with BIL and then had another baby 2.5 years later with another woman.

BIL has often blamed his issues with women on their late father as he was never really around until they were older.
When I asked him once if he would ever get married he replied "Never and my dad is to blame for that".

They both have a lot of deep routed issues.

Plenty people without fathers choose to be half decent people. He’s a grown adult and responsible for his own growth, healing and development. So no, not buying this pathetic excuse for one minute.

Like taking personal responsibility, apparently.

How idiots like these brothers ever get female partners is beyond me. Get both of them out of your life! Morons, both of them.

Wow, so he's told you, in words, to your face, exactly what he'll do if things get less than perfect between you two.

BIL is very blunt and if he wanted his kids to meet he is the type of person who would make it happen no matter what the mothers said.

That's hardly a surprise.

If he has his own place & sees his kids it's not as if it's an impossibility!

Urgh. What a mess.

Why are you enabling Bil’s secrets? Nasty little man, isn’t he?

Oh wow this sounds so messy, all of it, including your own partner.

Your BIL is horrendous isn't he! It sounds like chaos follows the man about! It's the children I feel sorry for

Folk blaming the OP are our of order! She's said what a cunt the man is! Imagine a grown woman telling to children about their father, like some spiteful witch! It's not her place to tell them, nor is she enabling it. It's the parents and siblings that are enabling it by not making him speak to his children.

So you’re all lying by omission to these 2. When they do eventually find out - and they will - they will feel incredibly let down and hurt. Is your BIL your DHs brother? Who does he now live with? Does his ex know about the twins?

You have enabled him by having contact with younger children and not saying. So you are part of the web he built. All he is doing is extending that web. And since you all have assisted, he feels he can carry on with it. Why should he change when its all be made so comfortable for him?

They both seem to blame everybody except themselves for the fact they are a pair of absolutely inadequate arseholes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Disgusting

I know this may be a long time away. But what happens if BIL was seriously ill or died? Would he have to limit his children visiting him so they dont meet? Or have 2 funerals? But that wouldn't be his concern as he wouldn't have to deal with it. Id tell him to get a backbone, sit kids down and explain. They're half brothers and sisters they've done nothing wrong HE has, so time he manned up faced up to what he's done And. Bloody sort it out. I take it his partner knows or is it a secret from her as well?