Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

I would write it down for him, bedtime and getting up routine. Then I would give a copy to my mum and dad and say this is what I'm trying to get him into the habit of doing, could you supervise to make sure he does everything and help him with his hair.

You would expect regular contact with the other parent to be the same as what is at home, and if the 'dad' neglected them in this way the mother sure as shit wouldn't be coming on to mumsnet to ask if they should say something to them?! That's the part I'm finding really odd.

A 7 year old with a routine should really know that they wear pajamas to bed and get into them themselves, wear fresh clothes in the morning, that's not blaming the child, it's questioning why them staying in the same clothes for 3 days has happened.

It sounds to me like the 7 year old has his own room there and is choosing to spend all his time in there on screens, and basically not being made to do anything he doesn't want to do by the grandparents.. probably loving every minute in fairness.

Why OP wouldn't just ask the grandparents about it though is thoroughly weird! Are they asking him to do stuff and he's saying no, or are they just leaving him in there to rot for three days.. I'd be finding out as a priority!

Agree. Going to bed in the same clothes is very concerning - it makes you wonder if the child is putting themselves to bed, as surely any adult putting a child to bed would say 'right where are your pj's, can you get changed.' Sounds like the grandparents are being completely neglectful and yes , OP needs to just ask!

Completely agree. It’s not great for your skin to shower etc every day either, particularly if you suffer from eczema (which my eldest does so I’m not particularly militant about showers!).

edited to add I’d be more annoyed about the screens… And I’m assuming he has at least cleaned teeth!

Ignore the mean replies. My eldest is 8 and happily plops into bed wearing his clothes and probably would happily go a week without showering left to his own devices!! Probably the same re changing his clothes etc 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m sure some of the kids of these posters are writing PhDs at 8… 🙄

The original question to this thread wasn’t “do you think this ok?”. The original question posed to MN was “AIBU to be worried?”.

To be able to answer the question, we need to know what was communicated in the first place. YABU to be worried if nothing was communicated in the first place and you still have the opportunity to set expectations. YANBU to be worried if they are going against your wishes and the routine that has been previously communicated.

How is he doing at school, @alorinkaya?

I think perhaps braid/cornrow his hair or do some twists if he's going to be there for multiple days and they won't do his hair. Are they white and don't know how to do his hair?
I'd be shocked if he was wearing the exact same clothes.
Could you visit together and take clothes, undies etc with you and put them next to his bed or in a bag in his room where he sleeps at your mums?
Otherwise if you had to do a block of nights I'd be going to sleep at your mums too, so he's not completely left alone?
I assume he doesn't have a phone but maybe you could do a checklist with him ie 1. Brush teeth, 2. Get dressed etc for day and night time. Left by bedside table. Maybe visual prompts

Being left on the game the whole weekend is really sad.. what would happen if he didn't bring his screens? I suppose its not the worst if it's not frequent.

I would be looking for new roles perhaps non clinical or community based if that's a thing in midwifery. Or what about health visiting roles? I know when I went into community nursing it was much better as I could drop in at home sometimes.

This is crazy, it is totally neglectful to leave a 7 year old on unlimited screens (do they even check it is suitable?), unwashed and unchanged.

What about pajamas? Does he even change to sleep?

Of course 7 year olds can do a lot themselves, but I refuse to believe that all those who seem to be minimising this would be that hands off with their own at home.

I mean, this is just neglect on every level. Talking to the grandparents is the bare minimum you should doing. Frankly they shouldn’t be allowed to look after him full stop.

If you can’t get alternative childcare you need to choose a different career. It’s crap and I’m sorry but it’s completely unacceptable to allow a 7 year old unsupervised and unlimited access to screens (I’m assuming he’s on the internet and able to watch whatever he wants). There is so much information about how damaging this is for children and this is a regular occurrence by the sounds of it.

The allowing him to wear and sleep in the same clothes and underwear for three days straight, while presumably on screens until he falls asleep every night would see me hitting the roof.

They sound like absolutely shit grandparents. Do they begrudge doing childcare? Because the only reason I can think of that they’re so terrible is that they don’t want to do it. Beyond the obvious crap effort of him being on his tablet all weekend, they’re not ensuring the absolute basics like washing and changing clothes. Is he getting meals? I would be looking for alternative childcare. If you’re absolutely desperate and are happy that he is actually safe (because they seem to be practically neglecting him all weekend) then I would just ask them straight up to ensure he washes and brushes teeth twice a day, changes at least undies every day and wears pyjamas every night. These are absolute non negotiables. Give them a ticket for an activity or some money and ask them to take him somewhere. A weekend without leaving the house every once in a while is ok but every weekend is just rubbish.

Great. He is ahead for his age.

Where does he have access to screens, at that age he shouldn’t be left on his own with screens, so where are GPs when he is constantly on screens? What does he non-screen wise at home? Does he not have any school work to do, reading etc. Does he do any clubs at the weekend, could GPs facilitate these?

It sounds like theyre not actually looking after him! This would really concern me. I personally wouldnt use them as childcare.

It’s very basic care they are not giving.. I don’t think you can trust them to look after him if they have to be told! My 7 year old needs a nudge to go to bed/bush teeth/put on pyjamas etc and cannot brush her very curly hair. It’s got nothing to do with SEN! Lots of kids would sit and use a screen all day and night if given a chance. What time does he go to bed?

I can’t imagine why anyone would be knowingly in charge of a child and not sort out his clothes and hygiene. Are they feeding him properly?

That’s good …

But does suggest he might be playing you and his grandparents against each other. If he’s doing well at school he definitely knows what he should be doing (admittedly under supervision) at weekends.

I’m assuming his grandparents don’t live in the same locality as you? So pp idea of you sleeping at their house or visiting at weekends while he’s there wouldn’t be practical?

Only you know why they appear to be neglecting him. Talk to them, then make a decision if things cannot be improved.

Sounds neglectful to be honest. If this is happening regularly I wouldn't leave them with the grandparents.

This is an odd post.

• Yes, of course you should raise it with them. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just have a conversation. Your son is sleeping in his clothes and then wearing them multiple days. Why wouldn’t you raise it with them.
• At 7, he should be getting ready for bed, cleaning his teeth and so on. He should do these things by himself.
• Not being white is irrelevant to the above. I’m Black, with 4C hair. Most Black boys know how comb their own hair by the age of 7. Unless you’re keeping it long or styling it elaborately, he should be able to do this himself.

No you of course would not BU for raising with him that they haven’t encouraged him to wash and change. Insist his bag of clothes go into his bedroom with him, wherever he is sleeping, so he has free access to his own pyjamas and fresh things and ask they encourage him into the shower.

Can I ask if your parents are white? Only to highlight if they are perhaps ignorant (or pleading so) to his daily hair needs and how important it is to maintain this. If, for example, you yourself have the same hair then they have no excuse. Either way, absolutely raise this.

They have asked to have him. They want this. If they want to do this they have to take on the level of responsibility involved which includes keeping him clean and cared for.

The unlimited hours of screens are a far bigger issue imo. Do they even know what he is looking at?

Sorry to be blunt but your parents sound neglectful and I would not be using them for childcare anymore. Sitting on screens all the time with no interaction is awful and would concern me a lot more than the not washing/changing (which is also rubbish). I would not be afraid to fall out with grandparents over this. If his life for the whole week was constant screens, being ignored and not being physically cared for them social services would be involved.

It sounds like it's all too much for them. He's dirty and being left in front of a screen the whole time, that's not ok if that's how all of is hours being looked after by someone else are shaped. Childcare while working is so difficult, I really know, but that doesn't sound sustainable at all

@alorinkaya
I don't understand why that's offensive from that poster?
I also can't think of any other reason for a 7 year old (apart from say pyjamas not being available due to poverty or something like that).

You are extremely fortunate OP
Please talk to your parents