DD upset with me Who is being unreasonable

[ML5]

DD22 on FaceTime with her BF messages me for toast. DH then presents me with lots of cups/plates from upstairs AFTER I finish kitchen which naturally I was not happy about so started shouting out of frustration. DD then starts shouting about me shouting to DH about making her the toast to and not to bother making her one so we end up arguing ourselves. Am I being unreasonable to think that seeing as I work full time that everyone is responsible for making their own after dinner snacks and not leaving cups/plates upstairs and presenting them to me late at night?

Your DD can get off her arse and get her own toast. Your DH can wash anything that he took upstairs when he brings it back down. Who are these adult babies?

Shouting is rarely productive or helpful so YABU on that point.

I don’t know if your DH does an equal amount of work to you in and out of the home so don’t know if it’s fair that your job is to do the kitchen and his job is to present you with dirty plates and cups late on, but I suspect YANBU on that point.

your DD is far too old to be messaging you for toast (or anything else), she can make her own. I’d be reminding her about respect, manners and the possibility of moving into her own place if she doesn’t want to pull her weight.

I can’t believe she FaceTimes you from upstairs. If you continue to pander then they will all continue to behave that way.

For everyone’s info I told my DD that anything she wants after dinner she has to get herself

And also told my DH as well not to present me with plates from upstairs late at night

She didn’t?

Did your DH use the crockery that was taken upstairs? Or did it come from your DDs room? Your post is unclear. It’s toast! Tell your DD to make it herself, you’re not her private chef.

You know that’s not unreasonable so why ask? Tell your family.

My kids wouldn’t have dared FaceTimed me from upstairs for anything unless they were really poorly. Lazy mare.

But did you not have the conversation along the lines of ‘I’m just about to start clearing up, could you go and gather up the crockery now please’?

it’s all very passive aggressive

She was on FaceTime to her BF but messaged me

It was from his room and DD but I shouldn’t even have to have the need for that conversation

But why are they doing this in the first place? How have they got to the point that they assume it is acceptable?

Why is your DH presenting you with dishes, does he never do dishes??

You are not their maid, you need to stand up for yourself end break this unhealthy dynamic.

Your DD at 22 should not be expecting meals at any time from you. If you want to cook for her then go for it but she should be capable and willing of getting her own meals, any time of day or night.

DH should be doing dishes as well.

That's the problem though, lack of clear communication. How are they meant to know you're not happy doing everything if

1. You keep doing everything and
2. Don't tell them you don't want to.

They are not mind readers.

I'm not defending them because you'd think any reasonable mature adult would know they need to do their fair share, but if you keep doing it all and don't say anything, you're teaching them that it's okay.

I wouldn't have made the toast and I definitely wouldn't have washed up again. Time for a chat about cleaning up their own shit including dh. You're not the cleaning fairy.

I did not make the toast and I have left the dishes in sink

Well that's fine then, just don't shout about it and tell them that the kitchen closes after 9pm or whatever.

After working the last thing I want is to have orders from DD about after dinner snacks and to be presented with dishes that need washing up late at night so being tired and frustrated I shouted

there would have been no shouting in my home. I would have left the dishes on the side overnight and gone and put my feet up to watch telly, leaving the snacks for who ever feels like sorting it out (not me)

You seem to have a lot of problems with your DD and DH and use MN to rant about how they treat you badly.

But it seems to me that you are enabling all this. If a 21+ yo DD uses you to influence DH into letting her BF sleep over, and expects you to make toast to her then
a) she's an entitled CF
b) you should have strong words and tell her she's an adult and behave like one

Have you always pampered her, or is there some other reason she's turned into a princess?

Eh?? Who operates like that? OP doesn’t need to ask her husband to gather crockery. Husband doesn’t need to go around gathering crockery on command. Odd.

DD obviously BU for not getting her own toast and bringing her own crockery back down.

DH obviously BU for handing OP the plates (if indeed he did, rather than just clear them himself given they were in his hands already).

OP NBU for being pissed off about it all, perhaps BU for shouting but that is probably an exaggeration. Perhaps BU for contributing toward the creation of such a family culture.

I am not saying you weren't within your rights to be cross, but as you know shouting solves nothing and makes the situation bigger. Tonight has happened but tomorrow is a new day. Just tell them tomorrow that from that moment the kitchen closes at 8pm every night and if people want anything from that point onwards then they can do it themselves.

Firstly could your DD not have made toast while facetiming? That's what my kids do, phone attached to them chatting away and I think they are chatting to the wall ala Shirley Valentine but there's someone on video call on the phone.

Secondly I am more than happy to see plates and cups being brought downstairs and I don't really care who brings them down or when. If it's after the evening dishwasher cycle they stay in the sink until the next cycle. I have no issue with a few dirty dishes waiting overnight. Whoever empties the machine in the morning fires in whatever happens to have missed the cycle.

Neither need any sort of comment never mind shouting. I think YABU.

This @ML5