DD upset with me Who is being unreasonable

[ML5]

DD22 on FaceTime with her BF messages me for toast. DH then presents me with lots of cups/plates from upstairs AFTER I finish kitchen which naturally I was not happy about so started shouting out of frustration. DD then starts shouting about me shouting to DH about making her the toast to and not to bother making her one so we end up arguing ourselves. Am I being unreasonable to think that seeing as I work full time that everyone is responsible for making their own after dinner snacks and not leaving cups/plates upstairs and presenting them to me late at night?

This is so needlessly aggressive. Your DD asked if you could bring her up some toast because she was on the phone…you can just say no. She didn’t “order” you to do anything. She made a request you can refuse.

Your husband brought plates down…don’t wash them. Just say, oh I’ve just finished up so you’ll need to do those ones. He didn’t “present you” with them. Really no need for anyone to do any shouting. You sound like you are martyring yourself needlessly.

At 22 she is calling you for toast!?

All of this “he should have brought them down to be done with the next load of washing up” is absolute nonsense.

He should have brought them down, washed them, and put them away. Who walks in to a clean kitchen and dumps yesterday’s pots in it for “later.”

If I’ve just hoovered and my partner gets crumbs on the floor, clean them up.

Weaponised incompetence. Make your own toast and wash the pots you’ve found yourself. Or better yet, move them when you’re done with them so they don’t need finding.

I’m in my late 20s and living with my mother (suits us both). I never ask her to do things for me. Cook all my own food, do my washing etc couldn’t imagine texting her to make me toast! The most I might do is ask her to throw something in the air fryer when I’m on my way home from work so it’s ready when I get in but wouldn’t ever ask her to make me food if I was in the house

I think this depends on your household organisation.

If the washing up had been done for the day, I would not expect someone to do more washing up for the sake of a couple of plates (and it would be wasteful of water etc) and it would be fine to leave them on the side for next time. If there's a huge pile, then, yes do them now.

But then the system in our house is to add to the pile and they get done after dinner (and it's not just one person's job).

Perhaps, I couldn’t possibly leave 10pm discovered plates there until after dinner tomorrow - they’d wind me up all day 😂.

This.

YANBU but there is no context. How did you get to this stage. Have you usually made the toast, has she side to started expecting you to do it or is this a long running battle?

get a dishwasher

No need for all this drama.

Honestly your family sound like Jim and Denise from the Royle family and the way they treated Barbara.
They sound horrendous. I feel for you.

If I his had happened in my house, I would gladly have made the toast and washed up because this would be a very unusual scenario. And would mean someone was really busy or ill!
Change those expectations op.

Funny how the assumption is that every home has a dishwasher These are really high class problems!

YABU for having previously indulged such an entitled DD.

YANBU for trying to educate her and your slob of a DH now. Better late than never.

Lol at your “lack of communication” and “shouting” bring unreasonable. Is everyone on this thread who thinks you are being unreasonable a robot? Shouting is a perfectly normal response when you’re at the end of your tether. And shouting does work, sometimes. In the moment.

Dirty dishes in people’s rooms does my head in. Crack on and shout. Bang plates unnecessarily, too, if that makes you feel better. bonus points for a few “ffs” under your breath. Crack on.

Just to update came in from work said hello but DD said nothing back however she seems to be talking to me a bit now. Maybe she’s feeling bad who knows?

Or she wants you to make her something to eat.

i agree, but also, I would have told them (calmly) to wash up their own plates. Just because people "present" you with stuff, doesn't mean you have to jump up and do work they can easily do themselves. I wouldn't have left them in the sink either, I would have just told your husband to get on with it and made it abundantly clear that you expect not to see those dishes in the morning lest he wants them thrown in the trash.

It might create some grumblings, but it will let people know where you stand. The important part is to remain calm and show people what's what. They will learn soon enough.

What sort of set up have you created here? Why is your adult daughter messaging you her catering demands? Is it the norm for this sort of thing to happen? If it is, its your doing. If it isn't, I'd happily ignore her.

As for your husband, how does that work? Why are you the go to person for dishes? Is he not aware of how washing up liquid and a sponge work?

Yabu to start shouting.
Why did you react that way? Just tell DD make her own toast and DH that he can put the dishes in the sink.

Moving forward, you need a rota so the DD and DH are doing their fair share of diswashing, cooking, cleaning around the house as it appears you all work FT.

It seems to be an unpopular opinion but imo there are very few situations where shouting should be resorted to that quickly. You need to regulate your emotions better and set expectations if you have them. Did she know you had finished the dishes or did she only know you were cleaning up, so bringing dishes is therefore helpful?

She’s treating you like a human does NOT mean she feels bad for being a spoilt childish brat op. Lift your standards!!

Yes, shouting is a normal response when you are at the end of your tether.
That doesn't make it reasonable behaviour.

And shouting does not work long term. Well, only if everyone is so scared of you that they do what you want so as not to be shouted at.

However, this is not an "end of your tether" situation. OP had 2 requests to do things from members of her family and she immediately went to shouting, rather than some more measured method of communication.

Get DD to post here so that the court of MN can consider her version

So tell DD where the bread is.

Tell DH to wash his dishes.

There's got to be more to this. Are you preparing food each night and doing all the dishes? You need to spread the load between the 3 adults in the house.

She needs to get off her arse and make her own toast and hubby needs to wash the damn pots he brought down grr . As for the shouting isn’t productive comments sometimes it just makes you feel better and gets your point across better , we all need a shout now n again n those who say they never do it ever are imo liars

Exactly 👍 👏👏👏👏👏