DD upset with me Who is being unreasonable

[ML5]

DD22 on FaceTime with her BF messages me for toast. DH then presents me with lots of cups/plates from upstairs AFTER I finish kitchen which naturally I was not happy about so started shouting out of frustration. DD then starts shouting about me shouting to DH about making her the toast to and not to bother making her one so we end up arguing ourselves. Am I being unreasonable to think that seeing as I work full time that everyone is responsible for making their own after dinner snacks and not leaving cups/plates upstairs and presenting them to me late at night?

My 12 year old once tried using their newly acquired phone to ask me to bring them a bag of crisps and a drink that they were entirely capable of getting themselves and I told them if they dared try summoning me again like some sort of deliveroo driver I’d take the phone off them. How has she got to adulthood thinking it’s normal to get mummy to make her basic snacks? Is she disabled?

Sod telling her she’s responsible for after dinner food, she should be responsible for her own food entirely unless you’ve agreed she can join in the family meal - in which case she should be cooking it sometimes.

Well good for you if that works for you however it does not work for me and I am not anyone’s personal assistant to be taken advantage of I am working full time and after kitchen is done to have plates bought downstairs and be messaged to make after dinner snacks is not on (and may I add both DH and DD work from home)

Why was he presenting them to you and not dealing with them himself?

Who doesn’t operate like that? I see clearing up, coking etc as something you do together. So if I’m loading the dishwasher I may ask DH to check if there’s anything in the living room and DS to check upstairs.

Or if I’m cooking I’ll ask DH to fetch things from the fridge and DS to set the table

Rather than do ‘my’ work in isolation while simmering about how hard done by I am

YABU to have shouted.

DD was U to ask you to make her a snack and especially to text! Awful.

DH was U if he expected you to wash the dishes he’d brought in or just dumped them.

Is there a pattern of you doing way more domestic work than them?

Do you stop other people accessing the kitchen? I can’t understand why two adults are coming to you about kitchen stuff. If DH has sensibly brought down the pots from upstairs, he can put them in the kitchen ready for the next set of washing up.
If DD wants toast, she can make toast.

I think this is going wrong because you are engaging with it. What they do about toast and dishes doesn’t need to involve you. Just get on with what you would normally do and ignore them.

Sometimes people get upset and frustrated about other people’s behaviour when they can just choose to ignore it.

Op, it sounds like you need some ways to say no without losing it. If your dd messages you something pathetic like that, you reply one of a list of replies- try ‘oh my god are you ok do you need an ambulance??? Did your legs fall off TELL ME!!’
or ‘oh hey! How are you? We should catch up!! Let me know when you’ve made a snack and cleaned the kitchen and we can talk!!’

or, I can see you’re FaceTiming <bf> I get you don’t want to hang up and you can’t possibly come downstairs while on FaceTime, so I’ll come up and chat to him while you make your toast so he’s not lonely! Just give me 5 as I’m exhausted after work but then I’ll be up to chat to him x’

This is Mumsnet where no one ever shouts but I'd have done the same.

However, you do need to be addressing why they feel they can treat you like this.

Bringing down plates, fine. Presenting them to you - not fine. I don't understand why he didn't just deal with them.

That your daughter would even send this message also says a lot.

You need a proper conversation about why this is unacceptable with both of them.

People are being slight dicks here OP. If I've tided the kitchen for the night, the last thing I want is a sudden appearance of a shit load of dirty stuff from upstairs making the fucking kitchen look shitty again. Just bring them down in fucking time right?

But you sound like you need to lose your shit more. WTF with your daughter? No, and laugh at her every single time. Making her fucking toast? Is she 3? Fuck off with that. And they both need a bollocking and reminding until they learn about the plates upstairs.

Why was your husband 'presenting' them to you rather than just sorting them out? Why not just say 'I've just finished clearing up., you'll have to wash and put away yourself'. Why not just ignore your daughters cheeky message?

@ML5 So you finish up in the kitchen? Why on your own? Why are you still accepting they do nothing. They do their own washing up surely? Or get a dishwasher!

Unless there is an essential fact such as DD or DH are disabled, I would tell them to effectively off with their unreasonable demands.

You are not the maid, you will not be serving toast on demand ever again and if DD doesn’t like it she can move out and hire someone else to do it. And DH needs to step up and share household chores 50/50 or you’ll be taking a long walk with your suitcase in hand.

It's entirely reasonable for you to tell DD to make her own toast and to tell DH to wash his own plates/leave them in a tidy pile by the sink.

The shouting is not ok and has meant that is now the focus of the discussion rather than the unreasonable behaviour that led to it.

In our household this would have gone
DD: (messages) Can you make me some toast Mum? I'm on FaceTime with BF.
Me: If you want toast you can make it yourself. You can even make it while on FT. I'm sure BF can cope.

DH: Here's some dirty plates
Me: That's nice; the sink is that way

Or actually it wouldn't have gone like that in our household, because DD and DH already know what my answer would be, so wouldn't have bothered to ask.

When you are all calm, perhaps explain why you were annoyed and apologise for shouting, and suggest that DH and DD need to revise their future behaviour?

Well, they're taking the piss and I'm not surprised that you're annoyed, but you don't need to engage and shouting isn't the answer.

For dd - you could have simply messaged back to said something along the lines of "I don't provide a waitress service but feel free to help yourself - you know where the toaster is".

For dh - you just say "oh, I'm already done in the kitchen, so you'll need to wash those yourself"

There is no need for confrontation, you just need to be calmly assertive. The problem is that you have somehow internalised the idea that you need to act like everyone's servant and so you're finding it hard to say no. But you don't have to run around after grown adults, just remind them nicely that you're not the maid and they can do stuff for themselves.

Yes I know that. It was clear from your post.

She shouldn’t have to tell him , he’s a grown man. I take it you made him wash the extra stuff @ML5?

Hiw did you enforce that boundary?

Why is the household expectation that YOU wash the dishes, regardless of who ate off of them?

Surely, the only reasonable situation here would be for your DD to come downstairs, shove some bread in the toaster and wash her own dishes while it browns?

I can’t think of why anyone would expect anything else; she’s 22, not 2!

I was a pretty lazy and pampered child, teenager and young adult and even if wouldnt have expected my mum to make toast for me or other snacks from about the age of 10.

I agree with this 👆

What is unreasonable really is letting things build until you snap

and then you feel guilty at snapping and you are so used to being a mug that it’s easy to fall back into the old routine

until you snap again

it makes sense to have a dinner and clear up rota rather than everyone doing thier own thing though

put some rules in place and take advice on here about how to go forward

practise the sillly laugh if you like “tinkly laugh of course I won’t make your toast !”

Channel my mother.... "What did your last slave die of?" and repeat. Throw in "You know where the kitchen is" and "Do I look like I have Welcome stamped on my forehead, I am not your doormat!"

She can bring her own dishes down and make her own toast.

You all sound quite childish. But if I had been messaging my mother at ANY age (far less 22) to make/bring me toast, I'd have been told to pick a windae. Tell them both to wash their own damn dishes.

Isn't it about time for your daughter to move out if she treats you like the hired help? She might start to appreciate you more once she's living in some dingy flatshare and paying through the nose for none of the niceties of home.

If she's too lazy to bring dirty dishes down, then tell her she's not allowed to eat in her room. Does she work and pay board? She sounds like a moody spoilt teenager rather than a woman in her 20s. As much as it's good to help out your kids by letting them live at home as adults, you don't want them taking the piss in this way. I would have a conversation about treating you and the house with respect otherwise she will have to move out.