Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

I will not accept or condone that violence.

instead I will use it to justify
/ excuse mass killing of innocent Palestinians, including women and children.

Well that took a weird turn! I was fully expecting you to post back that the email invite got sent to junk in your inbox or your son lost the invite or something, not that this mum had some kind of vendetta against you. Very odd.

I'm paranoid now because my DD (11) has had a couple of good friends drop her suddenly in the past year or two for no apparent reason and now you have me wondering if it's politically motivated...!

If he hasn't raised it with you, he doesn't want you to make it your business. Deal with your feelings and stay out of it lest you make whatever it is worse.

Completely bananas.

Passing it on to who?

I know this doesn’t sound like good news but it kind of is - for your son just explain that this wasn’t about him at all, and her son still likes him just as much as before, it turned out she just felt strongly about this issue which she is entitled to just as you are entitled to your flags - there is no reason for it to affect his friendships. By asking you may have just helped your son from feeling excluded by his friend.

I am not a fan of political flag waving. But I would never exclude a child based on their parent’s political proclivities. This mother is an idiot for doing this. I would be furious. Her poor kid and her poor OP’s kids. How dare she interfere like this.

If she was that bothered, why didn’t she have a separate discussion with the OP about the flags/conflict? Why use her child’s party to make a point?

Not sure where you go from here. But keep away from the mum. At least your son wasn’t excluded for stuff directly about him, so he should be ok at school.

You really do need to read the full thread!

Ah well you have your answer. Can't say i disagree with her. You say you care about your son, perhaps she doesn't want her son caught up with people who signal their support for terrorist organisations.

@CheeseIsMyIdol But the vast majority voted for Hamas.

@Aluna Isn’t genocide complete obliteration? And the land they have been offered several times has been declined?

Actions have consequences. How in earth does putting flags in your front garden help anything or anyone? It's just middle class virtue signalling, and I suspect the flags were the straw that broke the camels back rather than the cause.

Maybe getting involved in their disagreement by talking to another mum didn’t help. When I was at school, I’d have been mortified if my mum even knew about my fallouts, let alone got involved.

The other mum might not have appreciated being pulled into it, and now the other kids might feel that if your son joins in, you come as part of the package, which isn’t cool. Online they’re safe as you can’t (or don’t know how to) interfere.

How has your son responded to this information, OP?

It's so important that he knows it's a an issue between parents, and nothing to do with him. Shame the other lad didn't explain it was an issue between the mums and they could have both rolled their eyes at the grown ups.

@PeoniesGinandBags

OMG. I just can't believe that.

Does she think you are some kind of political zealot?
Does she really hate the flag thing at the moment?

Even if all the above things are true to her, It's just a really weird reason for excluding your DS.

I would craft a message back, as in fairness, it's quite ballsy that she wrote her reasoning down and let you know. If I thought that about another parent, I certainly wouldn't write it down in a WhatsApp.

Thank her for letting you know the reasoning for not inviting your DS. Tell her you're disappointed that her feelings about your perceived political leanings was the reason for his exclusion and that you wished we could have had a chat about it before taking the decision about not inviting your DS.
Ask her for a coffee chat as you don't want your DS to be excluded ongoing.
Also say something about being able to disagree agreeably is one of the best behaviours we can model to our DC.

I just wonder if this woman is entrenched in a certain political mindset herself, so anything deviating from that she sees as 'bad' or 'threatening'

At 13 your DS may well be affected by your political stance. He may share your views and may have commented in the friendship group too. I do agree with a PP that fair play to stick to her principles. Equally like sport, I think politics should be ignored completely in this case. I think parents do judge other parents when it comes to their DC. You see parents from MC backgrounds not invite the (non) MC kid (even though the DC are friends) so let’s be real here. Parents/people judge. She’s been honest, but I think involving politics at this age is inappropriate.

out of interest. Did you explain this to your DS? If you did, what was his response?

I’m surprised that the OP is surprised frankly. Whether you put 6 Palestinian flags or 6 Israeli flags in your garden, or wear a MAGA cap or anything else with a political affiliation, you are making a statement. There will be consequences when you take a stand (irrespective of your political stance) and it’s naive to think otherwise. Would the OP send her son to hang out with people who had Israeli flags in their garden, I wonder?

Yes, perhaps he didn’t want to hurt your feelings by revealing the truth of it?

Feeling uncomfortable about the flag doesn’t necessarily mean you condone the Israeli response. I wouldn’t have gone as far as this mum in not inviting your son but I would definitely give you a wide berth.

Can’t believe the bonkers advice of asking someone that can’t stand you for a coffee?!

Definitely a case of lest said soonest mended.

I'm surprised that people can have definitive views on such complex matters. The Israel/Palestine issue is so complicated and there is no simple solution. 6 flags is a show of strong feelings. I don't think I would have excluded someone's child for their parents' beliefs but I can understand that if this mother feels strongly in the other direction, she might have felt it was too hard to deal with as well as hosting a party.

I'd have judged you for putting the flags up, it is a political statement but I wouldn't have stopped your son coming to the party.

I agree,

I have never put a flag up anywhere, anyone who does is making a big political statement.

I would find it strange.