Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

I don’t blame her. You brought this on yourself and caused your son to be excluded.

You’re probably one of the unpatriotic weirdos who calls anyone flying the UK or English flag racist (despite it being flown at football matches and all the royal households).

Unless you are over there YOU don’t have a clue.

I don't agree with your flags but I disagree with the other woman even more!! Her son has no say in who gets invited to a party because a friends mother has a few flags is beyond ridiculous. Your poor lad, make sure you reassure him and definitely INVITE the friend to everything!!!! Take the moral high ground 😆

Unless they are pushing their politics on my child then why is it an issue? Your children are going to be around a lot of different people with a lot of different views, you can’t keep them away from everyone you disagree with. What is that teaching your own children?
This was a birthday party not a Palestinian protest.

Unless your in Ireland I guess it's a bit weird to have the flags. ( only because its a standard sight)

It's good she has told you outright. Thus is why I never discuss politics, gender or any topic that inflames with anyone I'm not extremely close to.

I think what she did was really uncalled for. She's created an issue with her sons's friend because his mother supports Palestine. Such a shame.

I'm not a supporter and actually had a Palestinian flag removed from our main town square, but I know I wouldn't do what she did. It seems she didn't have the courage to tell you up front, did she.

Kids’ friends should be kids’ friends. Not vetted by the parents.

Unless friends (or their parents) are encouraging kids into criminality or risky situations, parents should accept who their friends are. And kids shouldn’t be judged on their parents.

And if there is a boundary, it’s more respectful to politely explain it, up front, than leave a kid wondering what’s wrong with them.

As long as your son’s still playing with his friend, his friend sounds OK. Just has a controlling mother. They’ll probably laugh about it when they’re older.

I mean this nicely, but he’s not 5, he’s a teenager. There may be lots of new dynamics that you are not aware of and maybe he hasn’t told you. Unless there is bullying or distress etc going on, teenagers need to be allowed to navigate their own relationships. It won’t be the last time that this happens to him in his life. Very few teenagers will want their mum wading in to ask why he wasn’t invited to the party; he might be embarrassed.
I know that you love him to bits and I know the pain of worrying about our children, but you are making this a far bigger deal for him that it needs to be. Step back a bit.

Divide, rule and conquer the last 10 years since Brexit has been miserable. They want us divided and hateful. Together we'll be stronger and happier and on the same level as them. They don't want our children mixing with theirs in the same universities.

No! Invite him to all things. Round for tea, the dog’s birthday party. I would be the pettiest Betty now. I would be inviting him to everything to p1ss her off!

Agree, this should be the boundary.

IMHO same with other values, like religion or diet. It’s fine for kids to be with families of their friends who’re religious (or, say, eat meat), talk about it in their home and even invite them to events at their place of worship - or a meat barbecue.

But if they start trying to persuade, or encourage, them to be religious/eat meat, that’s the line.

We respect your values, and you respect ours.

Me too - good for her.

I guess that's her call but it's very tough when your views impact on your children's friendships. Life is politics and increasingly people are unable to accept that people have different lives. It's not your views even impacting it, it's the other mother as presumably you wouldn't be stopping your son's friendship over her views.

My daughter has a good friend who often repeats her mum's political views, some of which are very, very at odds with mine but... that's her right. My daughter can decide for herself if those positions are something she wants in her life. I would never refuse to invite one of her friends to her birthday because I couldn't tolerate different views.

Flag waving of any kind is dividing communities everywhere. Whilst that mother is bonkers for not inviting OPs son to a birthday party because she doesn’t agree with the flags that OP is choosing to fly, OP is naive for not expecting a reaction to her flags.

I respect her being honest with you.

I wouldn’t exclude a child because of how I feel about their parents, but if I had, I’m sure I’d have made up a silly excuse about numbers or something.

But if you're flying flags then your audience is "everyone" and amongst "everyone" is bound to be someone who disagrees with you.

And you are?

Continue to stand for your principles OP, however part of doing this is that there is always an opposing opinion and therfore consequences socially.
I’ve learnt this over the years - I have strong feminist views which some people (male and female struggle with) and I was also the safeguarding officer for a local sports club and pretty stringent on the rules. You would not believe the fallout from some of the decisions I’ve made around inappropriate behaviours from coaches and parents. I think they are batshit crazy as I do this woman, however I am aware they think the same of me!
To express a view you need a bit of Teflon coating, I would explain it to your son from your perspective and move on - she’s not your team and that probably means your children will not end up close friends in the long run.

It was a front lawn not a Palestinian protest, but OP made her front lawn a Palestinian protest, and some people don't like Palestinian protests!

Cannot get over the baby girl starving to death because her mum couldn't get the special formula she needed to survive, or the doctor who lost her husband (also a doctor) and all but one of her children (the youngest a six month old) after her house was bombed. Hamas are evil, they don't care about anyone but themselves, but feeling sad for the lives lost does not mean you support Hamas. What they did on the 7th October was an atrocity.

Yes I’m not surprised many people prefer not to be reminded me of the genocide. An inconvenient truth.

Keep burying your head in the sand.

We live in very divisive times. It is sad the way that ideological posturing has become so entrenched we cannot actually connect with one another as human beings. I think OP that if you have Palestinian flags in your garden you are making a strong statement about your feelings on the Middle East (and I agree that what is happening in Palestine is appalling) - but also gesturing towards wider ideological dogmatism that I can understand is off putting in the context of casual friendships with parents of your kid’s friends. I personally would not exclude a child for these reasons - but also if you engage in overt political activism and flag waving you do have to accept that not everybody will agree and it will to an extent cause division.

You can accept the reality that what is happening is a genocide without planting flags in your front garden. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I would rephrase that as "Unless friends (or their parents) are encouraging kids into criminality or risky situations, or have beliefs that you regard as dangerous and cult like parents should accept who their friends are."

It is not unreasonable to detest pro-palestinian protests, not least as it goes hand in hand with a "hard left" world view supported by greens and many lib dems and labour, and includes the bigotry of EDI, anti-Israel / anti-semitism and gender ideology.

Equally it is not unreasonable to look at what Israel has done to Gaza and think that the mass destruction and death is utterly reprehensible and to have no sympathy with them.

When issues are incredibly complex it is very hard to be 100% clear that one side are the goodies and the other the baddies (though I would not that I'm not sure Israel has done anything quite like 7th Oct, and that 7th Oct was quite spectacularly evil).

Unless you are sure everyone agrees with you you cannot expect no consequences to sharing political views.

Why can’t she put a flag? They are tiny anyway.