Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

At 13 they should manage their own friendships and party invites, you are both still trying to micromanage their friendships/party invites like they are 4!! I think you both need to take a step back, flag waving or not.

It was very nasty to exclude your son based on those reasons. It’s confusing though when you said you and her message all the time. Then was her chance to bring it up with you not liking your political statement of the flags, but she waited until her son’s birthday party to make a point. I bet all the other parents also the reason why your son wasn’t invited as well.

@Snowonground
I do agree with you on this one.
I think flags in general over the last few years have been divisive to many communities.
Hopefully @PeoniesGinandBags will have learnt that from this thread.

I do think it's important to respond to this woman who has excluded her DC because of these flags. She needs to say thanks for her letting her know the reason and she's glad it's not because of the DC falling out. She needs to point out that she shouldn't have excluded her DC because of this difference of opinion and that a solution of dropping off could have been sorted out. Basically they are adults and they need to model good behaviour to their DC.

Any adult would just grin and bear it and invite the friend of their children. How childish is she?

Yes, it's strange to be fine with the mum when messaging but then to punish the son who's done nothing wrong. OP might never have asked why he wasn't invited. Strange way to make a point.

The update , jeez . I can't believe she used your support of Palestine to leave your child out of a birthday party. Seems like there might be more to it . I hope your ds is OK and can remain friends with her ds.

I can’t believe that you messaged the other mum, these are 13 year olds not 7 year olds. You’ve embarrassed yourself and your son by getting so involved.
Your son wasn’t that bothered about not going and maturely has continued his friendship. You have now made it a whole lot worse for him. Well done you.

And maybe take your silly flags down? I would eye roll at someone putting flags up for something that they are not directly involved in.

Now I know reasons behind the rejection have I changed my mind? No. You should have left well alone as you have achieved nothing by interfering. Apart from ensuring you and the other boy’s mum can probably never be friends, which is bound to affect your son’s relationship with his pal.

This is a good opportunity to discuss the complexities of friendships with your son.

I'm glad the mum told you the truth .... you are obviously political as you are flying the flags so you should understand her reaction. I've unfriended people on Facebook for views that offended me before ..politics is very important to some people. It's a shame she took that out on your son though.

Wow that’s quite interesting.
but at least you can explain to her son that

1. it’s not about him 2) parents have different political views 3) some people choose to limit their kids friendship based on political views and although you’d never do it, it’s your friend’s mom choice

good opportunity to talk about that

mom is wrong IMO. She can exclude YOU but to exclude your son is very strange and wrong

my thoughts exactly. if they're happy playing online together, this obviously hasn't affected their relationship too much.

At least you can tell your DS so he knows it isn’t about him! Hopefully you can have a laugh about it.

Im amazed that people don’t think this through when doing their flag waving. If you are ensconced in a community that all strongly agree with the cause I guess it’s one thing but not otherwise. I don’t even put mainstream political party posters up as I run a business and don’t want to antagonise anyone that is not of that affiliation.

Makes me wonder if half of these are real!

How do you know your son didn't decline/lose/forget the invite?

Oh yikes. Why would she punish a child because she does not like you?

Wow I was not expecting that reply! Bringing politics (whichever side) into a child's friendship is not ok.

I would listen to the wisdom of Michelle Obama e.g. 'when they go low we go high'. Keep acting in accordance to your values and don't let someone like that change who you are, so still invite the boy to your son's birthday party in the future etc

Gosh well weird as it is, I hope you tell your son that it was to do with you not him! Obviously you don’t want him to resent you, but it’s more important that he knows it wasn’t at all to do with him and it wasn’t his friend’s choice.

Sounds like you have strong political views. Those views are contentious. And her reply makes it sound like your son also talks about politics, and she is uncomfortable with this. So she’s happy for your sons to be friends, but she’s probably hoping they’ll drift apart now at secondary.

i don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

you’re entitled to have strong political beliefs, she’s entitled to see those as a red flag and walk away. Whether the kids stay friends will depend whether they agree with their parents.

Sorry - she didn’t say your son spoke about them. Presumably it’s her son being around you that’s causing her concern.

You obviously have your opinions, I would assume strong opinions if you put up loads of (small) flags, she obviously strongly disagrees. Unfortunate for the children, but at least you know.

I’m Jewish, I have family in Israel and I support Palestinian liberation (not Hamas). She’s a nutter.

I can't believe flying Palestinian flags is controversial, they are literally going through a genocide. Children are being killed daily, thousands are living with life changing injuries with zero standing hospitals and even more are starving to death. Surely its fair to show support for those poor babies by putting a couple of flags up.

I mean "virtue signalling" helped crush South African apartheid at the end of the day. I think thats what people are actually trying to achieve.

I can't believe anyone can look at Palestinian kids and think, yeah you deserve it. I don't know anyone who supports Palestine and is antisemitic either, I hate that that accusation is used to stifle support for those poor souls. 😔