Fiancé asking for a prenup

[Aquea]

Fiancé and I have had a relatively short relationship. We’ve only been together for two years. I basically had to make it very clear that I would not be having children without being married. Just for legal protection. Got a bit of push back on that in the early days but I did say that marriage was a non negotiable for me and if that wasn’t for fiance then he and I should part ways.

Anyway, now we are engaged. Fiancé has asked I sign a prenup. Fiancé has his own successful business. We’re not talking a champagne lifestyle but he is comfortable enough and owns several assets. His business is fairly large - employs 35 people. But the margins are small and the overheads are massive.

I don’t have an issue in some regards as I’m certainly not marrying for the sake of money alone. I plan to carry on working FT.

But the actual concept is extremely cynical and unromantic. It’s really made me feel shit. Like I can’t be trusted. I’m kind of sick of indirectly having to convince fiancé that I am good person to marry.

We plan to have children.

it just feels like it’s one thing after another. Ie having to explain my reasoning for wanting to get married and now a prenup. The path to being engaged just seems already so negotiated.

Great. Because she didn’t have children it was easy peasy, lucky her.

I don’t think any of you are unreasonable in your wants (you the marriage, him the prenup) - I think the actual problem here is that you know you had to force his hand into proposing.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Elektra has repeatedly explained how pre-nups work.

Very reasonable of him. I’m sure if you were the one with a business you wouldn’t want him to walk away with half of it in the event of a divorce? You’re taking this way too personally. Marriage is a legal/financial contract, you said so yourself! So why shouldn’t he ensure the terms of that contract are favourable?

Assuming your husband is never going to be pregnant any time soon and take rhe hit with his career he felt comfortable to make that decision because his life remains unaffected.

No he isn't; he's asking her to give up the rights and protections that marriage confers.

Do you have any idea how a pre-nup works?

Especially one that will be drafted by a lawyer of OP’s choice? Therefore she can draft the terms?

I think it’s fine that he wants to protect his business.

I’d assume that marital assets would be divided between you equally so that you/ any kids are in fact protected in the future and don’t end up like your friend- so again this could work in your favour.

The other stuff I think only you can work out.

You’re really missing the point. 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50% of children are not disabled. A prenup can contain whatever terms the couple agree. If she doesn’t like his terms and they can’t agree, she doesn’t have to sign it or marry him. And that inability to agree on what’s fair would be a really good indication of what would be likely to happen in the marriage anyway, with or without the prenup.

We all know how they work! Can you outline what happens if op has a severely disabled child that requires 247 care and how that works, because I have never seem a pre nup cover these eventualities and how they share the responsibility and costs.

Because the judge would split the assets accordingly in that scenario!

Pre-nups are complementary, not standalone!

Your question proves you don’t know how they work.

You have literally no idea how wealthy he is 🤦🏻‍♀️

As someone about to lose all the money my grandparents gifted me because I didn’t want to upset anyone by mentioning a prenup because ex said he wouldn’t come after my money, I wish I’d asked him to sign a prenup.

No, it was far from easy. It was emotionally devastating. But the legal and financial process was straightforward.

It’s very sensible of him to protect the business he has built long before you were in the picture. It’s not romantic but it’s a fact of life thst people do split up. You’ve done the same by insisting on marriage. You are not in a romantic film yiu are in real life. This is real life. You have a choice:

make sure the pre-nup
has provision for you based in length of time married and children maintenance

walk away

you know deep
down you would have done the same.

How many prenups have you “seen”?

Sorry to hear this. This is why I say more women need to protect their assets.

I hope karma gets him.

💐

Just make sure the prenup protects you as much as him. It sounds distinctly possible that his business won't make it whilst in future years you could have a good solid career.

If it’s hard now, it’s only going to get harder, especially after children.
I’d bail.

fiancé basically says he wants to make sure his business is protected in the event of a divorce.

Forgive me if this has already been mentioned as I’ve only skimmed the thread past the first page. But I think it’s particularly problematic when you’re talking about protecting a business in this context. Because that’s not a static asset that you can basically forget about (eg in the event of divorce, my aunt’s inheritance stays with me). It’s an ongoing project, ongoing throughout the marriage. And the OP will be supporting him in that if they’re a family unit - if he’s late home from work and she’s looking after the kids, then she’s supporting him with his business. And I can see the potential for that to leave a very nasty taste in the long term (especially if it’s leaving a bitter taste already). OP - if your guy is telling you that this isn’t right, then that’s the best indication you’ll get. I’d reconsider this relationship. Even just ask for some time out to get your thoughts in order and see how you want to go forward.

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good.

It's all very well to say that you want to work fulltime. Lots of women do. But the reality is often different. Suppose you have two young children. How exactly will they be cared for while you work fulltime and commute? Your children wont see much of either of you. Presumably your husband works long hours and the needs of his job have to come first. So is your husband really going to make it possible for you to work fulltime, by taking a full share of the childcare responsibility? Can he really do that? Can he take random days off work if a child is ill? Can he take your children to childcare or collect them reliably? Can you afford a fulltime nanny and backup childcare? Is that what you both want? What happens when they start school and the school days before 3pm?

Yes there are nurseries and after-school clubs and childminders but someone has to arrange all that and most childcare has fixed hours. And if your child going to nursery who is going to talk to the nursery staff, what if there's a problem? Who is going to manage your child's social life when they get invited to parties and round to play? What about all the extra stuff like open days and parents' evenings and school plays?

I know a lot of women manage to work fulltime. But they don't have easy time of it. And with your husband's income you probably wont have to. You could be in the position of your husband not wanting/able to step in, you feeling exhausted and wanting to go part-time or take time out so that you can be there for the children... and you knowing that if you don't work fulltime and anything goes wrong in your marriage you're financially screwed. Many women take that hit. I don't see why you should, though. You don't want to have to beg him to support you to care properly for the children and him seeing this as him doing you a favour and you taking advantage. And the number of men who still think that if a woman "wants" to work then childcare all comes out of her wages is shocking.

As for the pre-nup - before you sign anything ask your husband to explain what he has asked for the pre-nup to say, in plain English. Then take it to a solicitor of your own and see if the pre-nup really means exactly that, and if there are any wrinkles.

Give your husband (and the solicitor) a few what-ifs:

• what if you get divorced after two years?
• what if you get divorced after twenty years?
• what if you can't have children and instead you have a high-flying career that earns you millions?
• what if you have a child with a disability that means you can't earn?
• what if you have children and can't or don't want to work fulltime (see above)?
• what if you get a health condition that means you can't earn?
• what if you have children and have to take a fulltime but more flexible job that is lower paid?

If he is a good man then your husband should want to make sure that you are both protected in the case of divorce. And that your contribution to the marriage is recognised.

But anyway, something is "off" about this marriage. The pre-nup may only be a trigger and not the main problem but you wouldn't be feeling sick if all was well.

Good for him.
He is protecting the business that he built without any help from you and he is protecting the 35 people who work for him. He has a duty to them.

As with most pre nups there will be future caveats drawn into it - with regards to children, who pays for what, and what happens if the marriage breaks down.
Ensure you have discusssions about what happens financially during pregnancy/maternity/ if you have a disabled child and have to give up your career.
Protect your own interests but don’t blame him for protecting his and for looking after his employees,

I would leave, because although the prenup would not be legal in the UK, this would show how little he would appreciate the investment you would be making in having his children.

the only way he can continue to grow his business uninterrupted would be because of you providing childcare and housekeeping services (even if you are employed too). Yet in his mind you should have no stake in that growth. Ever.

This is not a man to have children with.

Make sure the prenup protects your interests as much as his. You really don't need to view it as a negative.
If discussions around the prenup lead you to realise that you want more protection from marriage than he is prepared to offer, that does not mean that either of you are "wrong" - just that you have different ideas of what a marriage means. Best to know that now before committing.

So stop fearing it - it's just communication and you need to be able to do that.

I think he's sensible. Around 50% of marriages fail. 50%. I wouldn't bank my business and the livelihood of all those people on a 50:50. People, for the most part, get married because they love the other person and want a life together but with those statistics it would be reckless not to protect his assets, his livelihood and the livelihoods of his employees. Morally, you shouldn't get 1/2 of his business. However, I'd make sure it's fair. You should get 1/2 of what is built during the marriage and it should provide for you and the children in event of divorce. If its not fair it won't be worth the paper it's written on anyways.