Fiancé asking for a prenup

[Aquea]

Fiancé and I have had a relatively short relationship. We’ve only been together for two years. I basically had to make it very clear that I would not be having children without being married. Just for legal protection. Got a bit of push back on that in the early days but I did say that marriage was a non negotiable for me and if that wasn’t for fiance then he and I should part ways.

Anyway, now we are engaged. Fiancé has asked I sign a prenup. Fiancé has his own successful business. We’re not talking a champagne lifestyle but he is comfortable enough and owns several assets. His business is fairly large - employs 35 people. But the margins are small and the overheads are massive.

I don’t have an issue in some regards as I’m certainly not marrying for the sake of money alone. I plan to carry on working FT.

But the actual concept is extremely cynical and unromantic. It’s really made me feel shit. Like I can’t be trusted. I’m kind of sick of indirectly having to convince fiancé that I am good person to marry.

We plan to have children.

it just feels like it’s one thing after another. Ie having to explain my reasoning for wanting to get married and now a prenup. The path to being engaged just seems already so negotiated.

It all sounds rather forced and cynical but if you are sure about wanting to be with this man you need to agree to his terms. I can understand why he is worried, if it is his life's work - he doesn't want to lose it. Why not turn it in your favour? Like negotiate good terms and protection for yourself if you have kids, cant work, etc. He can protect his business post divorce, you can protect you being cared for. Also, put in any clause with regards to him paying you post divorce in case you career takes nose dive etc. Play him at his game.

So it's ok for you to want to be married but not for him to also protect himself lol....either way what a farce of a relationship why bother

OP working full time might not be easy after DC, especially if her DP wishes to work long hours, travel and so on.

The conversation - indeed prenup terms if they’re getting one! - about working hours and travel after DC is important, as well as the one about wealth sharing.

OP and / or DCs’ health or additional needs could arise.

@Aquea have the prenup say that you will not go after his business if you separate (fair enough), but should you have children then he needs to pay all your full pension contributions whilst on maternity.

Op will be on maternity leave at least a few times, who is going to
cover that?

It’s undeniable that having babies is exhausting whilst having to work full time with multiple children. Who is paying for the nanny? Nursery? Who is getting up every single might? Taking days off for illness etc?

Is he going to do 50/50 childcare whilst running his business full time? Or does he expect op to do that for free? Who is going to clean the house, do the food shop, pay the bills, mow the lawn, care for young babies? Is he going to do all of that as well?

Op’s career will take a hit, as will her pension unless she returns immediately to work and refuses to ever get up with her babies so will her career. It’s brutal and exhausting.

Why on earth would anyone agree to these conditions?

Having dc with a man that refuses to support his wife in any way is brutally hard. Many a career lies in tatters as a result. I wish some would stop cherry picking the reality of 21st century motherhood.

Op is giving away her freedom, her youth, her earning capacity, her security and future on a man that is not willing to have her back in any way leaving her very exposed for years if not decades to come.

God forbid she has a child with disabilities or needs she will be totally screwed.

Dont do it op.

He wouldn’t ask you to if he truly loved and cared about you.

This is an absurdly reductive post. Asking someone to sign a prenup to protect the assets he has built up before the marriage in no way equates to him expecting her to be like an indentured servant in the marriage. The assumption that the two things are connected is absolute nonsense and only someone looking to profit from a marriage would make that assumption.

She would be protected in that scenario. What if she has an affair and he still has to give her half his business?

She wouldn’t ask for no pre-nup if she truly loved and cared about him.

If he does truly care and is reasonable he will agree to pre nup terms that balance his and OP’s interests. I fear he won’t. So his agreement to marriage was meaningless - and included a huge lie of omission since he only brought up the pre nup later

Agreed. So many people not realising that the agreement works both ways and protects both partners.

If he does truly care and is reasonable he will agree to pre nup terms that balance his and OP’s interests. I fear he won’t.

Given he has suggested OP her own lawyer to draft the agreement, why would you assume that?

So his agreement to marriage was meaningless - and included a huge lie of omission since he only brought up the pre nup later

It’s not a lie of omission. They have just got engaged, they’re not getting married tomorrow. Couples are allowed to bring things up.

Marriage is a contract between 2 people. You wanted to treat it as a contract - you would only have children if you were married for financial reasons, he’s treating it as a contract - he will only get married if he can protect his assets.
Take the romantic notions out of it!

I hope you’re right @nomas. Mainly the fact that he lied by omission when he proposed (or said yes to OP).

You want to protect yourself by getting married
He wants to protect his business with a pre nup
I'm not fully sure of the legalities in the UK but I can't see how you think it's any different from what you're asking of him
I'm not sure you're compatible tbh

There is misinformation on this thread. A judge WILL be heavily guided by and largely uphold the terms of a pre-nUP IF both parties recieved independent advice and he/she considers the pre-nup broadly fair.

If OP’s partner intends to ring fence his assets and OP intends to take a cut in earnings to raise kids then the judge would not consider that fair.

OP don’t get married. It’s not recommended for women anyway, it doesn’t make us happier. Focus on your earnings, your career.

if you have children you don’t need ‘protection’ as long as you don’t compromise your earnings. So he has to do 50 percent of everything.

I don’t think it’s a lie. Until you’re married, the terms of marriage are always up for negotiation.

More women need to do this.

I guess that you now know roughly what it felt like for him to be told that you wanted to be married for legal protection.

Given that's seems to be your primary goal in marriage, it seems sensible for him to consider his side of the legal contract of marriage, and look for similar legal protection.

It honestly doesn't sound like either of you are keen to marry because you actually want to be together forever. I think there's a reason that you are envious of how the prospect of marriage has been for your friends. You need to look at whether your marriage would be anything more than a legal contract. I'm not hearing anything from you that sounds like either of you are excited about this. Do you actually want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Fair enough. He also has his worries as you did with the out of marriage children.

It’s a difficult one OP - I agree not romantic, but I think becoming more common as people marry older and are more likely to have assets / inherit large sums of money.

What are the terms of it exactly? As really in law anything built after the point you get married is split anyway.

Issue here is not the prenup, the issues is that you have misgivings you you feel that on a certain level he’s acting as if he’s been coerced to marriage and that he hasn’t spontaneously or joyously talking about your future and marriage. He only talking about marriage because you’ve given him an ultimatum.

I don’t think the prenup unreasonable. If you had posted that you were a business owner who built up a business individually and two year relationship considering marriage everyone would advise you get solicitor ,everyone

All the irrelevant waffle about youth ,beauty ,spontaneity ,body destroyed is catastrophic nonsense. He’s not stolen your youth, has not stolen your opportunity. you’re the driver of your own own life you make your own opportunity and if that includes marrying a man that you’ve got misgivings about then fair enough. So,all the catastrophic posts about he’ll steal your youth , destroy your body it could be said about him. He could say that he will have the burden of the primary wage owner, and the business owner having to support a family , also and that that will take a toll on health eg stress on his cardiac function ,increases suicide risk as a man with a business.

Catastrophic prediction As a result of marriage , all of this is hyperbole. Not sure why it’s being over laboured as an agenda.

He’s not want to marry you. You know that. But he will marry to seal the deal and have a family

Frankly, you’re mismatched. I’d walk away

Wouldn’t bother me one bit. Obviously would be reading the details (IE how are future children considered etc) but I am completely financially independent (we 50:50 everything). My wife’s family are a lot more financially well off than mine, but I wouldn’t dream of anything coming my way and wouldn’t want to try & take anything even in a divorce. I also probably wouldn’t have continued a relationship with someone who had different values to me though, if I wanted marriage and children I definitely wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t.

How old are you? Is this all happening because you’re against the clock?

So it’s ok for you to protect your interests but not for him? It may not be romantic but it’s sensible-he’s looking after his future children’s interests. I think you need to get over yourself but it may be worth you going to counselling to help navigate your feelings on this so resentment doesn’t fester

Life with this man will be an uphill battle

You deserve more

Please leave him

How is he going to do 50/50 everything if he is working every hour building his business? How does that work in reality?

I can’t follow your post with the number of typos and inconsistencies.

I’ll consolidate it for you: op has way too much to lose to agree to this transactional marriage with no financial security provision at all, there we go: nice and simple.