And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

I have a neighbour who was texting her next prospective at her husbands wake. I caught her at it in the loo and she confessed that she had had feelings for this bloke for over a year. Her deceased DH hadn't even gone cold.

That didn't work out so she then latched on to a bloke who put flowers on his parents grave every Sunday and she asked him out, got knocked back and started stalking him to the point he changed his habits and put flowers on on random days (to avoid her I imagine).

There's grieving and there's 'grieving' I guess.

Yep! And dad was 72 at the time. I can't believe am about to share this in public, but I can laugh uncomfortably about it now, the day before mum's funeral, dad stood in front of the portrait I'd taken of mum and dad, placed a kiss on mum's face and he said "I do miss your pussy". 😰 Also, that was just a few hours after he made a pass at my Auntie, who left very suddenly and drove 300 miles home, without going to the funeral. My auntie only told us what happened a few months later.

It was strange, it was like when mum died, his behaviour became horrible, right out of an episode of Jerry Springer, I think my mum kept him in check.

@Happyjoe 😳

He's lived here for years.

When I first moved in, I got an unwanted note through my door - my then fiancé read it and took me straight to the local police station. Nothing came of it, of course.

I'm now suspecting that the culprit was the old goat.

Fortunately for me, he seems to have got the message and I've had no interaction for some time. (I avoid him and I went temporarily deaf when he made a comment about how much easier it is for two people to keep warm. Believe me, the comment made when my husband was alive was much less subtle.) I have no idea why the other neighbour was worried for him. She's a better person than I am.

I had something similar to this happen. My very elderly neighbour had just come out of hospital and so I started visiting him once or twice a week. He lives with all the doors unlocked and is insistent that people don’t knock but just walk right into the house. Well, guess what happened? In the middle of the day he was sat in there with no clothes on 🤢 I can’t even describe how mortified I was. I ran out of the room and said, “Get dressed and I’ll come back in.” He was like, oh don’t worry, just come in 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just washing his clothes, but still, it was too uncomfortable for me. I immediately stopped the visits and I know he is very upset with me. I wish I’d never even tried to be nice to him!

Yeah that was very deliberate on his part. He got a sexual thrill out of flashing people.

I dont know why people assume that elderly people are always sweet and innocent. Perverts and predators get old too- they dont all die off at age 60.

You found yourself a creepy stalker 'nice guy'... good luck shaking him off, they do not usually take being told to fuck off hints well and tend to stick to you like bubblegum you sat in.

I think a dog is exactly what he needs! Some sort of soppy Labrador or similar to cuddle and got for walks with whilst he takes his time to get over his bereavement properly.

Yuk but funny.

The word 'cuddles' to men means sex.

My BFF (64, divorced many times) online dates and the widowers are out there very quickly.
She goes for young ones and sadly they are looking for money.

I think the OP is OK if she's been a close protection officer.

And he ate all the cake.

I mean, this alone...

Omg, wasn't a very welcoming note then! What on earth? You guys must have wondered what on earth you'd just moved to.

Am sorry, the comment about keeping warm, he really really doesn't have an off-switch does he? Even after all this time. I hate men that deliberately go out their way to make women uncomfortable and I really think that's behind it.

I'm a bit ruder than you, I have a neighbour who asked me to sleep with him, despite knowing my partner too which I brushed off politely. Not taking a hint, he then commented on my boobs every time I bumped into him. In the end I told him to f..off, that it's not 1970's Britain anymore. He is known as Pervy Paul around here now.

What is wrong with some men?

They really are on a different planet aren’t they? But from a woman’s point of view, why would you want to be sleeping with a man who had very recently lost his long term partner?😫

"The word 'cuddles' to men means sex."

Yep. In fact, it seems that almost any word can be coded to mean sex to men. I learned this recently on the Facebook page of Jenni Young, an academic rhetoritician who came up with the Burned Haystack method of dating for women who want a long-term relationship. Basically, she shows how to watch out for rhetorical patterns in online dating profiles and texts, such as the Test and Apologise: here a guy says something sexual and then immediately apologises. It's a marker of a guy who doesn't respect common norms of behaviour nor women's boundaries. As she says, the test is real, the apology is not, and men who have this pattern are pretty much always problematic.

Anyway, so women post profiles/texts that they get during OLD on the BH page, and the OP and the rest of us try to figure out what feels off and which rhetorical pattern is there. And yes, "cuddles" is a giant red flag, it ALWAYS means sex. So does any mention of "passion". And "connection". And apparently "eating tacos". And there was one bloke who put up a profile where he's talking about liking chemistry sets as a kid and then he segues into some apparently inoffensive stuff. And I and about 10% of the posters thought, "Hmm, weird, but not too bad", until the other 90% of women translated it. "Chemistry" means sex, and the other stuff meant that he wants BDSM, and a reference to a mop (apparently for clearing up chemistry experiment messes) is a reference to "wet-ass pussy". 😬🤢

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I am LOLOL.

Also, the old classic- looking for "friendship and fun". Friendship = fck buddy and Fun = sex.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I met my partner using the Burned Haystacks method- god, there was a lot of burning of profiles before I got there. Cuddles is definitely a euphemism for sex. If someone says they miss cuddles and companionship, they mean they'd like to be in a relationship having sex.

I don't blame the OP, though, because it seemed as if the guy wanted friends as well, but of course he didn't, and now she's probably hiding in her house hoping he doesn't call around- although I think the OP handled it just fine when he did.

Burned Haystacks is compulsory reading for anyone trying to date over 40, but the OP wasn't trying to date and it all still applies- men code for sex is 'cuddles' 'snuggles' being 'open-minded' (that means doing more than missionary) etc, once you know the code you can't unknow it.

Luckily I found someone nice from BHDM but the Op shouldn't have to be on her guard against this shit constantly by being a friendly neighbour.

I'm sorry you have had this in your life @Happyjoe How shit some men are.

Honestly, once DH has gone, I won't bother with men ever again. I tend to avoid dealing with them in general life as it is.

Reading this thread has opened my eyes somewhat. In spite of the experience I outlined above, I hadn't realised that men habitually translate ordinary friendliness as something else.

Jesus, that's awful! 🥺💐

I know, there is more too, but I believe folk will think am lying!

Was just astonished that he thought all this was acceptable, he knew right from wrong. Tbh, the whole thing, plus the new (horrible) fiancé just made me take a back seat in his life, same with my brothers and he died 3 years after mum. All a bit sad.

Apologies OP for hijacking the thread.

@Happyjoe that all sounds horrific. I'm sorry you experienced that. 💐

Sounds like my exh partner. We were not even divorced before she snapped him up (poor unsuspecting mare). I think he is number 5 or 6 🤔 she must be desperate! Took me a few years before even considering "dating" then decided that many men my age just wanted a housekeeper which I wasn't interested in becoming again! Met my current dp quite by accident, told him at outset wasn't interested in a "relationship". But we are happily travelling together and enjoying life. I think the fact that I didnt need a man in my life was what attracted him, as he was wanted (eventually) not needed and loves that I am self sufficient and capable but appreciate his help when offered. Something im afraid my exh lady won't get from him but after so many marriages I think her radar is faulty 🤔🤣

OP? Some truth in there? You might get interested then??

I had similar with a recently-bereaved man. I was single, unsure about attraction really but he seemed nice and he was grieving, so I wanted to be friendly. She had died suddenly only the month before, I didn't think he would be so keen to move on but he clearly was, and I felt uncomfortable

Bollocks. The sad reality - men go after anyone, sometimes anything with a hole in

Good luck OP. I had this issue not too long ago. Thought I’d be friendly, but when I tried to shut things down, he kept randomly appearing at the same places I was. Then I started getting messages: “I think you’re trying to hide your true feelings from me”.
WTF? Not sure how he interpreted me ignoring him as hiding my true feelings, but I guess that was easier to believe than the simple fact I wasn’t remotely interested in the fucker