And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

His comments about cuddles were weird and inappropriate for a new widower. Red flags right there.

I think PP suggestion of speaking to mutual friends about the situation would be helpful, get their support for yourself, and for him if necessary.

He does sound very persistant - maybe you could tell him again you haven’t got the time or skills to offer help to recently bereaved and suggest a bereavement support group such as Cruse .

Oh God! How awful and uncomfortable for you (and your aunt). I'm cringeing just reading this.

Ugh! 🤮. Some useful info there, though.

My BFF mentioned upthread gives as good as she gets.

Some of the things on men's dating profiles are well known codes she tells me.

Fit= I like to get naked
Romantic= flowers for a f*ck
Masculine= big member
Fun= sex
Good times = ditto
Happy to travel= looking for sex whilst married
Adventurous= pervert

I could go on. It keeps me entertained😊

@CameltoeParkerBowles love the name

If DH leaves me or vice versa, I will never, ever date again. Would be keen on a travelling bloke but not that kind!

Feel bad for him but he isn’t your problem so you did the right thing putting your foot down. My guess is he’s just latched onto your kindness and thought you could provide reprieve from his grief. He’ll find another way, I’m sure. Joining your group was a bit weird though, I have to say.

Quite. I was reading this thinking "Yes, some of them get 'easily attached' to more than one at a time!

I think that a lot of men who have had a good marriage partner up again very quickly as they have had it good and dont quite know how to cope alone. Women are more self sufficient and cope better.

Also if he has been in a long marriage he will not have a clue how things work these days. He is probably in the "men do the wooing" mind set from long ago.

I had a nuisance admirer who "wanted to snap me up before somebody else did".
Urg!
Because of course I was a commodity just sitting waiting to be snapped up by a bloke. (Rather an adult who will engage in a relationship of my choosing at a time of my choosing). I don't think he could actually comprehend that a woman "of a certain age" would prefer to have no man rather than the wrong one. I genuinely believe he thought that women are desperate not to be in the shameful state of singleness and should be grateful for any male interest.
Its a very old fashioned way of looking at male female interactions but its not uncommon in older blokes.

My nuisance turned quite unpleasant when it FINALLY penetrated what seemed to be selective deafness, that I wasn't interested. I don't know if he wasn't hearing or was hearing but choosing to ignore and wear me down. He assumed I was being hard to get, rather than just not interested. I was then told that I wasn't getting any younger and would end up "on the shelf without a man if I went on like this. (oh the horror). I believe the term "old maid " was actually used!

Helping someone in that kind of situation, without knowing them not their late wife, can be quite tricky, particularly if there is an expectation on your part that you can then disengage at any time, and this will not require you to speak clearly about it in advance.

In general, this is not something I would have considered doing. You could have organised or found some social event with others, not at your house, and proposed he joins too if he needs company.
That would have been more sensible in my opinion.

yes, I understand what you were saying. And it’s absolute bollocks.

I think the wives are beloved. They love having a wife, doesn't need to be the same one forever though. When one departs or divorces they slot in a replacement and keep rolling forward.

Meals cooked? Check
Pants washed? - Check
Live admin sorted? - Check

Normal service resumed

Yep.

I mentioned my stepfather above, who was dating within 6 weeks of my mother's funeral, but a worse and clearer example of what you talk about here was my own father. He was a serial cheater who discarded my mother 6 months after she had a near fatal heart attack at the age of 43 (partly from stress because of his cheating). Such a lovely man (not).

My poor mother, to have had the misfortune of partnering up with two such men 😞

Anyway, I still had some contact with my father when the wife of his cousin died of cancer. The cousin, who was also in his 60s, had lost his first wife young to a different cruel disease and had waited a long time to meet his second wife, only to hear the dreadful news 10 years later that she had terminal cancer. After her death and funeral, the cousin told my father how griefstruck he was and my father must have managed (just) to appear sympathetic, because then the poor sad grieving cousin sent Dad another email about how agonising it was, how much he loved and missed his wife, how low and dark he felt. And attached was a rather beautiful poem that cousin had written about his wife for her eulogy.

My father forwarded the email to me, he was all ruffled and irked. He told me, "I'm getting sick of [cousin], he keeps sending me all this nonsense. I told him that there are plenty of fish in the sea and he should go and look for another woman." 😮😬😳😔

Ukefluke
My nuisance turned quite unpleasant when it FINALLY penetrated what seemed to be selective deafness, that I wasn't interested.
I don't know if he wasn't hearing or was hearing but choosing to ignore and wear me down.
He assumed I was being hard to get, rather than just not interested.

They seem to think they're in with a chance with any woman they take a liking to.

*Just wanting to be friends is seen as a challenge.
*Consistently turning them down is you playing hard to get. Why would anyone pretend not to be interested in someone they fancy? Makes no sense.
*Or as a PP said, you're hiding your true feelings for them. Again, why? What's the point of that?
*A cup of tea, a quick chat in the post office queue or like PP, lending a step ladder, all must mean you want to shag them.
*Sadly, being allowed to stay for eight hours also means you're going to get laid. You can now turn up unannounced with unwanted coffee, even though your neighbour works nights.

It boils down to the same thing. They don't or won't hear it when a woman says no. They convince themselves that everything you're doing and saying means the opposite. Clinging to any scrap (real or imagined) of hope that one day you'll accidently shag them and they'll be proved right.

Men rarely want female friends, they view it as the necessary grunt work needed to pave the way to sex.

It boils down to the same thing. They don't or won't hear it when a woman says no. They convince themselves that everything you're doing and saying means the opposite. Clinging to any scrap (real or imagined) of hope that one day you'll accidently shag them and they'll be proved right.
Men rarely want female friends, they view it as the necessary grunt work needed to pave the way to sex

Exactly this. I've made it clear before to men I didnt want to date them right from the very start and I got: "wow!- you certainly think a lot of yourself dont you?"
Then, on other occasions when I havent spelt it out clearly I get the "why did you lead me on? I thought you were interested!"

You cannot win. If you tell them upfront you are either arrogant in their eyes or they dont believe you and think it's some kind of challenge. If you dont spell it out like they are aged 5, they get angry that you have somehow "lead them on". Its infuriating.

It's hard to believe but there's so many examples of it. I'm not sure who said it but a PP said it's almost as of they treat them as appliances. When one 'breaks', they order a replacement.

Plenty of fish in the sea. I don't even know what to say to that really. I said this the other day but I think some of these people were grown in a lab.

Online dating many years ago, a bloke sent me a message. I wasn't keen so just sent a generic thanks but no thanks reply. He paid no attention and kept sending messages. He seemed to be on the site whenever I was somehow.

He kept pestering me and I ignored or repeated 'no thanks'. He became unpleasant and told me that I had no business turning people down. I should be giving everyone a chance and was in no position to be picky as I was on the site as well. I wasn't a hooker turning down clients. Just a woman who didn't fancy him.

I sent one last message and told him that becoming aggressive with me had not increased his chances of success and nor would it with any other woman. He fucked off after that but he was one of many hideously entitled men who treated OLD like it was a knocking shop even back then.

I can't imagine what it's like now. Back in the day the main red flags on a profile were generally, golf, cycling, attended the 'University of Life' and a 'selfie' meant you were a sad twat with no friends who could take some half decent photos of you.😂

Similar experiences here I'm afraid. I took in a parcel for my older (seemingly lonely) male neighbour. My DH took it round to him. The next day, the second my DH had left for work he was on my doorstep telling me he had hoped it was me who would have brought the parcel round to him, that we could have had a glass of wine together and then did this revolting wink. A few weeks later, I caught him trying to look into our bedroom window. It made me feel so sick.

Another time I was on a work night out and as I wasnt drinking, I was the designated driver. I had offered to give a few colleagues a lift home. I had dropped everyone off except one male work colleague whom I didnt know at all well and had barely spoken to the entire night. He tried to kiss me as he was getting out of the car. Not a peck on cheek mind- avec tongue. It was gross.

So, I never do favours or kindnesses for men any more because it's always fucking misinterpreted. I dont care if anyone thinks I am hard or cold, so be it. Is it a sad state of affairs?- yes, but frankly, men only have themselves to blame for it. Next time they want a favour - they can ask another man.

😂 This post made me LOL! Probably because it's not only funny, but it's all true!

He kept pestering me and I ignored or repeated 'no thanks'. He became unpleasant and told me that I had no business turning people down. I should be giving everyone a chance and was in no position to be picky as I was on the site as well. I wasn't a hooker turning down clients. Just a woman who didn't fancy him

Urgh what a total dickhead, also a hypocrite, I highly doubt he would "give every woman a chance" if it was someone he didnt find attractive!

OMG, that the hell is wrong with some men?! 😕 Your post here ^ and many others on this thread are chilling to read. SO many entitled men who think they are owed something from a woman. And in the vast majority of cases, they (the women) have never shown the slightest hint of interest. Sorry you have had to put up with this crap!

Conclusion: Do not be 'nice' to men you don't know. Especially not in a situation where you can't get away.

Waitresses, baristas, nurses etc etc whose actual job it is to be pleasant, kind, helpful, caring, bla bla bla, will all get men deciding to read that as an 'invitation'. Even misreading fear (fawning as a fear reaction) as flirting.

The mental 'I WANT TO GET LAID' noise bulldozes what women actually think, feel, want, say. Because women are not considered entirely ... people.

And it's shocking how fast men can move on from breakups and bereavement. My godmother's widower married her friend on the first anniversary of her death, then wondered bemusedly why his daughters declined the invitation.

@JFDIYOLO

Amen to that! ^

Absolutely. ^