To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

I do 50/50. We have done for many years. I came from a dysfunctional family and spent ages 10-16 in the care system though, so this probably colours my perspective. In an ideal world it would be a joint family unit, but it isn’t an ideal world.

Sounds like better coordination between your parents would have helped.

I'm biased because I have a 50:50 arrangement with ds. It's not ideal but we live very close to each other which mostly handles the not having stuff issues. Shared calender deals with most schedule issues, anything else is discussed. And we make sure to never make him feel guilty if he wants to be at one place or the other for whatever reason. Ex and I are both welcome in each others houses, stay for dinner, check out whatever he wants us to see.

Who knows what the future holds but works OK atm.

How much bloody " extra" stuff did you need? A book or a top is not ghat big a deal Surely you had stuff at your dads

Is it the kids that have said it works well or the parents? Kids get used to stuff. Works well is an adult perspective. Kids don't tend to complain, they trust adults to know best so go along with it, usually without complaint.

Trust me it sucks. Not knowing where home truly is and all the backing and forthing contributes to low self esteem and anxiety. And yes I agree with a pp that says suggests the only way it really works well is if the parents live close enough so that the kids only have to sleep over with the other parent when they choose to.

This!!

Completely agree OP, kids need a primary ‘base’ which they can call home, not be dragged backwards & forwards between two houses, never feeling 100% welcome in either. Constantly forgetting things they need etc. I can’t imagine the harm it’s doing

It’s about putting kids first. You discus the ground rules before hand. And you don’t need to move a new partner in to ‘move on’. Getting a new partner is almost never in the child’s best interests.

Agree OP. I hated being dragged from pillar to post as a kid. It would have helped if my parents weren't all twats who hated each other (stepparents included) - my dad and stepdad had a fight in a carpark on one of the access days. But 50/50 just seems like a way for men to duck out of paying childcare costs while the mum is still doing everything, in reality.

Men seem to mainly seek 50/50 so they don't have to send any money to mum. Trash.

Of course you are not being unreasonable but you are now reliant on 2 possibilities -

option 1 your never split up (yay)

Option 2 if you do split up you are hoping he isn't one of the majority of terrible fathers who value coins in their bank over their own kids lunch/clothes/comfort.
Fingers crossed for you but agreeing something with your partner now won't make a jot of difference in the future. He can say "yes of course" to anything you ask while he still likes you. Its when he doesnt like you/cant control you/ has to pay money that the real problems will arise.

I taught my kids growing up if they want kids to have them solo. Sharing sucks and if your are going to be forced to share humans that only YOU pay for it especially sucks.
Fingers crossed for you 🤞🏼

Where do you get the idea that children appreciate not 100%welcome in either home?

You just have to look at any thread about nesting. All the adults are horrified at the idea of moving in and out and sharing a house, but think it's just fine for children to do it.

The problem seems to have been the 2/2/3 arrangement which does not seem to be in anyone’s best interests. It’s too much moving. My DSC do 7 days on 7 days off so it’s enough to get properly settled and they have two of everything so no need to ferry stuff between houses. Even EOW is a disruption - it’s impossible to avoid unless you say no overnights with the non resident parent which is unfair to everyone.

This is called nesting and is by far in the best interest for the kids. But most parents are too selfish to make it work.

Because usually the mother has carried those babies for 9 months! HTH

OP, you are not wrong.
It is an awful way to be reared.
Your father was a mean abusive prick and you should think long and hard about any involvement with him.
I can well imagine it was tough on your mother doing her best.

My daughters parents are 50/50 for the past 6 years.

They are both devoted parents and love their children dearly.
They do a week on a week off and live 5 minutes walking distance from each other for their childrens convenience.

However, they absolutely hate the moving from house to house.
Straight up hate it.

Even with generous loving parents.
It is very hard.
She has told my daughter that she probably could choose one house but she knows her lovely father would be devastated.

She is considering moving away from university and this is a factor in her decision apparently.

No I completely agree with you in theory - I’m just wondering how successful this is for people long term. I agree new partners are often problematic for children yet many people go onto get one. I just feel like if you were able to make that sort of arrangement work, how come you couldn’t make your marriage work? As it requires a lot of the same skills

Well i was mum in that situation and I certainly didn't end up doing " everything" in reality

Sorry to be that weird person quoting my own post but I'm really thinking a lot about this situation now and, as someone who has neither a partner nor children, I haven't given it that much thought before.

Why don't more people do it like this? With the children staying in the family home and the parents moving between two houses? It seems like by far the best choice for the children but it's a really unusual arrangement (I think).

What’s clear is that chaos, conflict and being unsettled is very bad for children. Those things can occur in intact and divorced families. But the main issue is that much of the time, adults are incapable of putting children first. It’s possible to do but often hard. It means choosing your child’s other parent incredibly carefully; going to therapy and working through problems; compromising your career plans; living in the next street from the ex-spouse you hate.

I don’t blame people for failing to prioritise the needs of their children because we’re all human and we all fail, but we should acknowledge that it happens.

Really really hard. It is a compromise all round. Can’t think of a way it works well for the children. But what’s the alternative?
MANY people stay in subpar relationships just to avoid this for their kids. Not sure anyone wins whichever way you go. But I do think we currently live in a world where we expect everything to be ideal / best possible circumstance. People have always had to compromise and suffered it’s just life. Your parents probably did what they could with the options they had.

Omg I’m this child and I’m exactly the same as you. I hate staying anywhere other than my house. I always think people say things like this works for our family….. what I hear is this works for the parents.

^does it mean she gets to call the shots for the next 18 years due to being pregnant for 9 months

No it’s stuff like the fact that as an adult you are responsible for bills and will have deliveries and things and require a fixed address for that. As children you don’t have those issues. Also when you have split from someone you don’t want to then effectively share a home and have your private belongings there when they stay. It’s not that living at two houses is so much the issue. Some rich people have a weekend residence, lots of people do Monday to Friday and commute back at weekends, some couples split their living over two houses. It’s not universally seen as a horrible way of living. It’s the fact that you’re still house sharing with your ex that makes so many say no.

I think what’s happened is the premise that the child has the right to a relationship with both parents, which has been given primacy when determining what is in their best interest. Hopefully recent changes may mean that the child’s interests are considered more holistically and the stability of a main home is given more weight.
50/50 can be in a child’s best interests, but if dads in particular believe this then they should be parenting this way within the marriage/LTR and not only advocating for it post-separation. If more of them took the hits to their careers and long term earning potential that mothers do, and take on not only the physical care but also mental load, the argument would be much stronger.

Yes, as a child of divorced parents and a single mother myself, I totally agree. It’s not one size fits all and perhaps there are circumstances (perhaps where both parents live very close by) where this works well. But if the priority is the welfare of the child, I can see how this situation would work out very badly indeed for some.