To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

Because it involves a huge amount of cooperation and self-sacrifice. Generally the parents are too angry/ weak/ selfish/bitter to do it. And of course both parents need to be capable of it. One could be a saint but if the other is an arsehole it won’t work.

If I was to do this it was be a simple Sunday to Sunday one week on one week off type of thing. Then you’d have all your stuff Sunday where you needed to be for the whole week.

How would that work if one of the parents had children with someone else? Then THOSE kids would be dragged back and forth

Interesting you can be so definite about that. I certainly don't agree and think it's just as bad for children to have to move in and out and share with people they don't particularly like (parents' new partners).

I agree op. I’d rather step back and have them eow so the dc could have greater stability.

It’s a conversation dh and I have had despite being very happily married. I was a sahm, and it would have been a struggle to get back on my feet if we split up. We thought that it would make more sense for them to stay with dh as the higher earner. Particularly when our autistic dc was so deeply attached to objects and things.

I think how a child feels about this arrangement and their voice is very important when it comes to contact and should be heard regularly. Some parents manage 50/50 very well, others not so well. Add in conflict between the parents/ a parent who chooses to be petty/ has a partner who is resentful of the contact time and it can be a horrible situation for a child. There is then the people who become possessive of their contact time and refuse to let their DC have hobbies/ see friends/ attend birthday parties on "their time".

I believe there was a study done where the children stayed in the family home and the parents moved in and out of it depending on whose turn it was to have contact. The parents hated it and felt unsettled and like they were living out of suitcases - just how some children feel when doing 50/50.

Because you need quite good finances to be able to get an additional property (or two additional properties ideally). You’d be jointly responsible for bills and mortgage on the family home with your ex which keeps you financially entangled which many don’t want. You’d have to either each get a second property (so need enough for eg one house and two flats). Or you share the second property which many would hate, me included. Imagine if your ex was abusive and you knew he was rooting through your private belongings at the joint flat while you’re in the family home. Not everyone has a super happy amicable breakup.
And I bet that even with nesting the kids would find it disruptive because they’d not have the same people there all the time. I don’t think it’s the magic solution everyone makes it out to be.

Totally agree op
My experience as child was similar to yours ,and it messed with my head and caused me awful mental health problems as a teenager and young adult.
I went none contact with them both in the end

Parents shouldn’t be having new children. It’s the worst thing for the existing kids. It breeds resentment. Blended families don’t work.

My brother did 7 day rotations with his ex; the switch happened mid-week and the kids had stuff at both houses. Mum had an affair and left the kids aged 4 and 8, so that was very sad and she moved straight in with her Affair Partner who luckily lived nearby.

My db chose not to make a massive drama about the affair - in fact she was the one screaming abuse at him (because he insisted on 50:50 and she wanted more so he’d have to pay her maintenance; and also because she wanted him to move out of their rented home so she could have it back and just replace my DB with her lover!)

Anyway it very much sounds like you had dreadful parents OP. I’m sorry for you

You are not being unreasonable and you are not oversensitive and you were not an oversensitive child.
Your experience sounds sad to me. You were obviously unhappy and I think that could have been picked up on and prioritised, and wasn't. You have every right to feel disappointed and hurt by your experiences.

My step mum was horrible to me when I initially slept over, so I ended up just seeing DF on Sunday, and that was fine by me. Home was with mum, and that’s where I wanted to be every night.

Definite about what? Nesting just isn’t really an option unless you have an extremely amicable relationship, trust each other implicitly and have oodles of cash. I do have experience of splitting time between parents as a child but the issue was not the two homes, it was the fact that my dad was an abusive twat that made me not want to go to his house. I’m pleased he wasn’t allowed in the former family home where my mum lived. Nesting would have been awful for me and my siblings.

My kids do 50/50, their dad and I live 5 minutes from each other and work hard to make sure the kids are at the centre. Both kids chose this arrangement and can change their minds at any point. They value spending time with both parents, we do birthdays and Christmas together. I know they would really struggle with EOW with whichever parent and we sort practical arrangements so they have what they need wherever they are. It’s not 50/50 per se that is harmful, it’s children not having a say and feeling pulled in all directions.

Not surprised he felt robbed of his dad. EOW isn't much at all.

The best thing all round is for parents not to have children by someone else. Blended families are usually disastrous.

Even if they were previously widowed? I'm talking about older siblings of the child that's doing the 50/50

I think it also makes a difference how near the parents live to each other. I grew up in the country and my parents lived nearly an hour apart with no public transport. Now I live in London and see divorced parents living near each other so the children, especially when older, can just pop in and not have to keep to a schedule. I think children prefer to base themselves at one house.

Definite that moving between houses isn't an issue for children and that parents refuse to nest for practical reasons and not because they like having a stable home. I don't believe either is true.

Sometimes it isn't the right solution, e.g. in your situation with an abusive man. I am saying 50/50 often isn't the right solution either, and most parents wouldn't choose it for themselves.

Then the moralistic vipers do allow you to have another child because you’re not a harlot who dared leave your first husband (and should now be celibate forever) and are instead an innocent victim. Magically, it is apparently okay for the children as well, as long as the other parent is dead. Apparently it’s very damaging to gain a half sibling following divorce but not so much so following the loss of one of your parents.

Playing devil's advocate a bit here, but you could ask what difference that makes. Divorce isn't always someone's fault any more than widowhood is, and if it's not good for the kids then what difference does it make how the parents came to be single?

I will book my kids' therapy now then !
:(

Mine were 13 and 15 when we split. Ex lives 5 mins drive so we would each drop round any forgotten kit.

The arrangement was flexible though eg if he had a family even or I did then we would not be rigid. Same for my birthday / his and Mother's Day / Father's Day.
I personally think we have demonstrated co-operation to the kids and acknowledge each other's feelings too !

Because it involves a huge amount of cooperation and self-sacrifice. Generally the parents are too angry/ weak/ selfish/bitter to do it. And of course both parents need to be capable of it. One could be a saint but if the other is an arsehole it won’t work
Oh yes, it definitely would, I know that. It's just almost all adults seem to expect that level of cooperation and self sacrifice from children but not themselves.

How would that work if one of the parents had children with someone else? Then THOSE kids would be dragged back and forth
Yes, in those circumstances it wouldn't be an option.

Because you need quite good finances to be able to get an additional property (or two additional properties ideally). You’d be jointly responsible for bills and mortgage on the family home with your ex which keeps you financially entangled which many don’t want
But an additional property is needed anyway if a couple split - regardless of what they do with the children. 2 extra properties - yes, you'd have to be rich for that! Financial entanglement is a good point if marriage has ended badly.

Well if the parent with the kids hadn't had another one with the partner they are now divorced from it wouldn't be an issue as the50/50 child would never have even been born...

Parents who are doing 50/50 are being quick to take offence as though their parenting is being criticised but can't you deny OP's feelings about her own childhood experience where it absolutely didn't work for her or her mum. Only her dad seemed to benefit by not having to pay maintence and outsourcing his care of OP to his own mother, when OP would have much preferred to be at home with her own mum.